Wednesday, July 15, 2009

yardsticks


So what others are doing with their lives on an average day.
One needs a measurement - a yardstick - of where exactly one is. Is it normal to be hibernating? Is it normal to be eccentric? What is normal?
……………………

Mum: I’m just warming up some soup. One of the Germans is trying to start the Corolla, and Isidingo is ….ooh wait! Peas you need to watch Redneck Antics on 101. Now, before you miss any, quick!

Peas: Oh dear, imagine missing that.

…………………………………………………

A mate: I’m just working like a cunt and doing lots of house stuff.

Peas: That doesn’t sound familiar at all.

……………………………………………..

Poen in Kenya: And Swahili lingo for ‘bye’, informal, is ‘visi.’

Peas: I just threw Milo in my shoe.

…………………………………..

Ant: I went to this awesome Bastille Day dinner last night, where David Bullard spoke and we ate foie gras and tore baguettes open.

Peas: Do one. Seriously just do one.
…………………………

Mate: Joining a club about bat paraphernalia isn’t going to solve anything. Even if you do get a free fridge magnet.

Peas: Get bent.

………………………………………

E2: So funny story. My dad was in the tube with his mate, two doddering old tourists. And they spot a dude who looks EXACTLY like John Cleese sitting diagonally opposite them.

So amongst themselves they’re whispering to each other 'Oh my! Do you think that’s John Cleese?' It MUST be, no. No, do you think it is?'

All the while John is reading a newspaper, minding his own business.
Next thing, out of nowhere, he stands up, shoves the paper under his arm, marches up to the doddering men and screams - no SCREAMS, nose-on-nose:

YES. I'M FUCKING JOHN CLEESE!

Straight into their astonished little faces.

And then stalks off doors closing behind him. They didn’t speak for like 5 minutes.

Peas: That sounds like something my father would do. He and John Cleese are practically cut from the same cloth.

…………………………
A Brit friend: So funny story. We went down to the pub and all that, and one of my mates is particularly wobbly when he’s drunk.
So he fell off the toilet. And while doing so, completely pulled it off the floor.

It wasn’t screwed down properly.

Peas: Holy suffering fuck. That just made my day.

Friend: We were downstairs, heard a loud bang and an "OH NO, OH NO, BOLLOCKS," and I said to the chaps, 'it sounds like Tony has fallen off the bog.'

And he actually had.

*Sigh.* Why couldn’t I have been there?

10 comments:

Nessers said...

I have been that pissed that I lay down on the floor in the loo to "recover for a few minutes" only to have people banging on the door as my date sent them to look for me I had been away that long heheh but never ever have I fallen off the loo hehehe - that is classic

tyrone said...

I know someone who went to the loo and when seeing the door closed behind him, thought he had locked himself in and climbed out the window... He must have fallen a good 2m to the ground only to get lost in the bushes outside the venue. We found him 45 min later going around in circles.

I've fallen asleep with my head in the loo. My gf at the time (bless her soul) left me there for a few hours. When she woke me up to take me to bed, I got pissed off with her for interrupting my sleep and marched off to the couch! Clown!

:)

Peas! Have you tried Schwarbing?

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - oh don't worry mate, I've done that plenty times myself.

Sometimes for HOURS. ;)

Tyrone - nice! That's pretty hysterical - was your head actually IN the shitter?
Toilets and drunk people. Like two lost freinds in the night :)

What's schwarbing?

tyrone said...

I'm led to believe it was half in and half out. I'd be lying if I claimed to have the slightest memory of it.

Schwarbing = Nifty little German eatery in Randburg. Amaaaaaaaazing Eisbein. Amaaaaaazing schnitzel. Amaaaaaaazing goulash. Amaaaaaaazing Gluwein.

Oh and they serve the odd bottle of red wine and tequila.

Secret said...

Ive fallen asleep lying on a toilet seat - thats because I was chundering the vast amounts of alcohol I had drank back up. Then I passed out again on the floor next to the toilet.
Luckily for me, my drunk housemate had enough sense to go and pee in the garden because he told me that if he walked into the bathroom he prolly would have pee'd on me.

Is the John Cleese story true? Coz its kak funny,

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - buddy, I love you. Schwarbing sounds EXACTLY up my street, and now I don't even have to join the bloody bat society!

Thank you thank you thank you ;)

Secret - its true as the sun, baby. How hysterical hey?
Yip, I have been there - bowing to the porcelain chalice in a fit of vomitation. I hate it - which is why I would rather jump off a balcony than chunder when I'm pissed.

tyrone said...

pleasure! and they say the way to a MAN'S heart is through his stomach!

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - see you at the eisbein stand big guy! :)

tyrone said...

Ha ha!

Did I mention their eisbeins are BIG?

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - I aint one to be fussy about my eisbeins, but if they're big, then I sure aint complaining :)