Thursday, July 23, 2009

songs of the common man


Quick, I need help.

(Yes yes, I need help, but this is more of the short term variety):

Which, out of these songs, would you sing if you had to sing, say, to a crowd, karaoke-fashion?
Please take into account entertainment value, possible shock value, wobbling about in heels value, and to the smallest degree, pitch, tone and high note value.

1) Usher’s Love In This Club (Sidenote: Total hit in Berlin. Just ask The Dove, who was hiding behind a giant boot filled with beer, while I sashayed about shaking my pelvis. The entire dance floor at The Hoff Bar, kind of evacuated. And the DJ completely disappeared. I’d like to think it’s because they wanted to make room for my exclusive performance.)

2) Rihanna’s Umbrella (Sidenote: Yes, the most annoying song on the planet, only seconded by Scatman Fucking John’s solo album, but everyone knows the words. Also a hit in Amsterdam with a bunch of Man-U shirt wearing Scousers at some pub in the redlight district.)

3) Roxette’s Sleeping In My Car. (Sidenote: My cornerstone at The Colony Arms. Back in the day when I’d venture over there every Saturday evening, drink 8000 cane and cream sodas, and then amongst the foray of disgustingness, and under the tasteful mood lighting of dinginess.com, would belt out this bad boy, often whilst dry humping the bathroom wall for maximum effect.

4) Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean. Not my personal favourite MJ, but as far as upbeat tributes are concerned, it’s a winner. We Are The World might evoke mass suicide.

So. I have a huge Mushy Peas event happening in honour of my book this evening. This ties into it, can you believe it. God help me.

It’s going to be wicket though. Except that I usually get all tongue-tied and ridiculously nervous. Especially in front of a 100+ crowd.

(TV and radio is a synch; live crowds are just scary.)

And may Clicks down the road stock enough Biral to knock out a fleet of obese airforce marines. Or not, because that won’t work for me either.

I’m terrified but I’m also terribly excited for tonight’s kick-off.

In other news, last night my pilates instructor was talking about her beach ball like it was a human being.

How delightfully odd.

I’ve heard people talk about their cat like it was their boyfriend, but this was a rather eccentric surprise:

Instructor: Yeah, I’m kind of upset. I’ve lost my ball.

Peas: There are lots here though.

Instructor: Yes but he was seriously special. He sometimes looked oval too. I miss him. I really want him to come back to me.

Peas: Why not just….buy another ball?

Instructor: I can’t just replace him like that, Peas. He was my favourite. And now I think [gasp] someone stole him from me. Right under my nose.

Peas: Again. I’m sure you can get another one just like…him?

Instructor: No! And the moment I replace him, watch, just like all the other bloody lot, he’ll come rolling back into my life. They always do.Watch. The moment I find another one.

[pause]

Although… ah. I’ve just remembered. I left him at the other studio. Where he’s not so big and the other balls are also oval so he doesn’t feel left out or, you know, big.

Peas: Ok then...

Instructor: Yeah he’ll be happier. I just want him to be happy. I’ll just have to move on and try to forget about him.

Peas: Yes that’s probably a good idea.

Instructor: Ssh. We mustn’t actually talk about him too loudly, because the other balls will get offended. Then act all offy and aloof and stuff.

Peas: Yes. Because…he’s clearly moved on. But look on the bright side, there are plenty of balls in the sea.


Oh dear. Now all I can think of is a big ballocky nutsack. Interesting.

27 comments:

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

You have a one track mind, ending your post about the nut sack! You should stick to the music today and focus! How about those big aunties that sing "Its Raining Men!"
Have a great Pois Day!

Monkigirl said...

Two things:

Kareoke, why not sing Weird Al Yankovich's (sp?) version of Achy Breaky Heart? Highlarious!

Secondly, is that pic from visualparadox? I love their stuff!

I'm fetching my Give Peas a Chance shirt this avie!

estellevisagie said...

I know it's not on your list, but Barbie Girl by Aqua is a real beaut for karaoke. Very easy to sing, and the lyrics are hysterical, for a bit of shock value.

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

Na, the girls are talking kak. "Raining Men" :)
Or if you really want to provoke a shit storm sing "I Kissed A Girl" , look into their eyes and sing like you mean it! Or maybe you do? :0

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - shit I'm nervous, now I'm REALLY nervous.

Monki - Who is wierd Al Yankovich - he sounds like a pearler!
It is indeed visualparadox - I haven't seen any more of their stuff, must be honest, I must check it out!

Estelle - shit, I wonder if they will give me a voice synthesizer for that - I'm super super husky ;)

Monkigirl said...

You don't know Weird Al? There's a gap in your education young Peas.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%22Weird_Al%22_Yankovic

Peas on Toast said...

Monki - I digress I really don't! I haven't LIVED!

;)

Monkigirl said...

I'll see if I can send you a sample.

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

Dont be nervous Pois, its all good. Are you nervous of the fact that you have this function thang? Or is it that my crysal ball is a little too accurate? :) Create a storm, burn their brains, invade their headspace, spoil them for life! :)

PS. iv booked the flight on 13 Feb. Got the chocs. Now all I need are the vital stats, and then im off to La Perla....

Peas on Toast said...

Monki girl - cool, I'm on Youtube now doing a little search :)

Levis - ooh La Perla/ Very nice :0 Enjoy it! Yeah I just get nervous stepping out from behind my computer - where its safe - and publically speaking inf ront of a crowd. But that's why God invented tranquilisers.

:)

DelBoy said...

Good luck for your book thing! I'll see if I can pick up a copy Downunder somethime.

PS: "Tequila" - Not only a fantastic drink for calming the nerves, but also a great karaoke song. Only one word to remember!

Peas on Toast said...

DelBoy - ahaha thanks my dear :)

I think Kalahari delivers to Oz, I know they deliver to the UK, but would have to check the Oz postal service if you'd like to read it :)
xx

Revolving Credit said...

Wobbly heel, but how short is the skirt? Kinda instrumental in the song choice?

Get a blonde wig and do the Roxette...and you could dry hump the mic stand??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I'm thinking of hauling out the burqa actually.

And pretend I have a cold sore. ;)

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

Miss Pois, someone taught me a technique, (iv been taught lots!), but this one im referring to involves selecting a jerk at the back of the room, focus on him, imagine him in his boxers, have a laugh inside, and just start the speech. Less intimidating! Would like some of your whit at The Levi Store! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Well, if you want to shake some ass to distract the audience, I'm kinda thinking Low by Flo Rida.

totally cooked said...

Everybody Hurts by R.E.M

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

those lyrics are beyond classic - there can be hand actions and all. almost like pilates but not

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - yip, that's a classic plan. Or imagine everyone naked and wrestling in a vat of lube. ;)

Rev - wow, niiice. And slightly different.

What about 'Smelly Cat' by Phoebe. I'm seriosuly considering it.

totally cooked - won't that evoke mass suicide? Or can I just dive off the stage for effect? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

What if you substitute Everybody Hurts with Everybody Farts


..Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody farts sometimes..

..Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on..

..Well, everybody farts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody farts sometimes
And everybody farts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody farts. You are not alone
..

Thedailyspew said...

How about a good bit of Bon Jovi living on a prayer?

Would avoid MJ, seems to be the only thing on the raido these days and in the clubs.

Not sure how you managed to wangle 100+people to your carry okie thing, good luck there mate rather you than me, by the time I have the balls to sing, I murder the song. Not sure if the colony still have MR Jones on the playlist

totally cooked said...

mass suicide - wailing - sont en trane - the works - couls be very interactive - a way to truly connect with your audience or you could just do Smelly Cat - I like that idea. would pay good money to see that one

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - aces baby, aces!

I have my song ;)

Daily Spew - I'm pretty darn certain its still on their playslit. Methinks is hasn't changed in years. Timewarp.com :)

Totally cooked - hahah, like a funeral you mean? ;)

totally cooked said...

ah you going with Vanilla Ice then?

Thedailyspew said...

are you going to share your song or the youtube link of the performance?

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

Trust your thang went well Miss Pois! ;)

cosmomemoirs said...

I would have personally gone for Roxette...anyone can sing Roxette and she personally Rox.

DelBoy said...

Well I won't be ordering it on Kalahari! They want to charge me more for the delivery than for the bloody book itself!! I'll have to wait till I visit SA again or somebody heads over this way on a holiday.