Friday, August 07, 2009

what? WHAT?


Went to a very cool gallery exhibition last night.
Where they served cocktails and had an exposé of couches that were finished off in patent leather and cost a small fortune, but were aesthetically nice to look at anyway.

Had a Brit girl with us, and of course, I enquired about whether she’d ever seen Richard Hammond in real life. As you do.

Brit: Yeah. He’s fucking tiny man.

Peas: Yeah yeah yeah don’t care.

Brit: You really really like him, like you really think he’s amazing?

Peas: He’s the most beautiful British man that ever was.

Brit: Oh come on.

Peas: What is wrong with you people? It’s as clear as fucking day, the stance, the hair, the teeth, the face, why doesn’t anyone see this?

Brit: He was on a poll for “Britain’s Weirdest Crushes”. Up there with people who think Gordon Ramsey is hot.

Peas: Dude. Dude. Do you think Colin Farrell is hot?

Brit: Yes.

Peas: Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?

Brit: Yes.

Peas: So then, with such impeccable taste, how can you not see what I see? How can you not see Richard Hammond in the same light? God, the frustration.

Brit: He’s all yours. No competition whatsoever from me.

Peas: You’re all blind. All completely and utterly blind. I'm so horny for that man, and it's getting more feverish as the days pass.

Bought two hats yesterday. Couldn’t wait for the weekend. A red beret and a black fancy thing.

My colleague said, as I burst into the office sporting the beret, slightly cocked, on the side of my head, like I was about to storm the Bastille and then afterwards, light a Gauloise and eat an artichoke, that I looked like a domestic worker who frequented the Church of Zion.

“It’s French. Beret is French.

‘In this country,’ he said, openly ridiculing my hat, ‘your hat doesn’t look French.’
“Well you wear Caterpillars.”
‘So?’
“So. Why are we having this conversation even?”

Ant said my black hat, that I wore to the gallery, looked odd on my head.

Fuck it. You just can’t win. You just can’t fucken win.

God it’s hard being eccentric sometimes.

Well. I’m wearing the fucking domestic worker beret to the Hillary event today, and I’m gonna blow those democrats out of the water.

Not to mention in my meetings beforehand. One person - just one person - must look at my hat funny, and I will turn into a mime for the rest of the time we collaborate around that table.

Hat Tolerance is not a lot to ask.

In other news, 3RM needs public recognition for admitting that Air Supply does what it’s meant to do:

To: peasontoast@gmail.com
From: 3rm@iliveinsecunda.com
Subject: tear jerker

Listening to some random playlist while surfing the web working and have just been assaulted by Air Supply’s Making Love Out Of Nothing At All. There were a few seconds there where I thought I might burst into tears at my desk.

Thank you. Finally, someone gets it.

31 comments:

The Levi Store said...

Richard whom? :)

The Levi Store said...

Sorry gals... :)

Peas on Toast said...

HAMMOND. HAMMOND. HAMMOND. HAMMOND.

The Levi Store said...

HAMMOND? HAMMOND? WHICH HAMMOND? :)

Peas on Toast said...

ARRRGH.

Nevermind. ;)

DelBoy said...

In your poll "How Do You Turn From A Loser To A Winner?" I think you should add "Marry Richard Hammond".

But seriously, the guy is about 3ft tall. If he didn't speak properly and drive fast, he'd be in the circus with clown make-up and jumping around with all the other midgets!

;-)

DelBoy said...

And why do your smileys not have noses!??!

Peas on Toast said...

DelBoy - really though? REALLY REALLY THOUGH? Is he really that small?

Look, when we're horizontal, does it matter anyway? ;)

I'd add it to the Loser/Winner Poll, but there is a slight obstacle in the way:
1) He has a wife
2) He has kids
3) He lives in England

Bugger. But I really believe I have fallen in lvoe with him.
It's serious. Be still my pining heart.

Peas on Toast said...

PS: Noses slow me down ;)

iamdebbiedeb said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GlJbyMrytA

<3

Peas on Toast said...

ATTENTION: On Richard Hammond's height:
Richard Hammond's height is 5 ft 7 in (170 cm)

UK TV Presenter from Top Gear and Braniac. Said in the Mirror, "I'll have you know I'm not actually that short. I'm 5ft 7ins, which is a fairly normal height. It's just that I have to stand next to giant Jeremy, who's about 8ft tall."


THAT'S MY HEIGHT INFIDELS. I'm also 5 ft 7, which means he's PERFECT!!! (For me. And only me.)

Peas on Toast said...

debbie - oh classic, I love it - thanks for the infomercial link - hahah

iamdebbiedeb said...

waa haha watch the AHA take on me one. double classic.

going to the big Tokyo for 9 days tom... jaloooors?

Peas on Toast said...

Debbie - oh my GOD I am VERY jealous!
Fuck! It's one place I have to get to before I die. HAVE TO!

Enjoy it and please give a rundown when you're back? One of ym friends is there at the moment and says he's sleeping in a capsule, like afull-on capsule bed, and his toilet in the hotel massages his ass.

Amazing.

totally cooked said...

LOVED Tokyo - ex had a serious facination with the toilets because you can also set then up to do random things automatically - I was terrified of surprises.

Husband shares your hat thing - wears a hat that says gangster on pension to me but he still lives his passion.

Please, ask Hill how Bill LIVED thru the Cigar thing - was there no where to hide the body?

Peas on Toast said...

totally cooked - you know I'd go to Tokyo just for those toilets. I know the Swiss make them good and clean, but they have nothing on those Japanese johns.

Long live your husband's hat - does he wear it to board meetings? ;)

My mates gave me a list of questions to ask Hill last night - but none of them would allow me ever to enter America again without a serious red flag being raised. So I'm thinking of going along the bland lines of PC 'So what's it like being a democrat?' to be safe :)

Jo said...

Peas, In Joburg for the weekend. Hopefully I will bump into a girls wearing a red beret! Dont wear the black one, I will be on the lookout for the girl in the red beret!

Peas on Toast said...

Jo - you got it sistah.

I'll be in this bad boy alllllll day :)
And possibly alllll night.

Jo said...

Peas, its Mistah! Been reading your blog for ages, didnt realize its only meant for sistah's.

Peas on Toast said...

Oh I do apologise Jo - my bad!

No definitely not just for sistahs, bro :)

Secret said...

OOOOHHH, Im 5'6"...I could also fit under Hammond chin quite comfortably.

The Beret is NOT a domestic werker hat - well mine isnt, its wolly, not furry - like the ones they wear. AND. I rock it. Its stylish on me - as it is on you.
All you have to do it wear a look that says "I will release my inner rottweiler if you even so much as look at my HAT with a look that indicates you might THINK it belongs on the head of a domestic worker"...foaming at the mouth and everything.

Thanks for todays installment, I lolled quote a bit. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Secret - now THAT'S the spirit! That's the winning attitude I'm looking for - yes, we rock the beret you and I like we rock the foam party. Thanks very much! :)
Mine's also wooley :)

Nessers said...

According to Wikipedia Richard Hammond's nickname is HAMSTER - and we all know that Hamsters are not hot they are cute and fluffy and used as snacks for snakes - that is all I am going to say on the matter hheheh

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - Yes, am aware of the Hamster, and I love it! Hamsters are soooo cute! I can't comment on the snake food element because I'll cry, but I've had 11 hamsters in my life and they're adorable.

Revolving Credit said...

So, you're gonna blow some democrats tonite??
That's such a Clinton thing innit??

Charmskool said...

I'm 5'3" and love, love, love the Hamster - even if he is married and all that ... I need someone other than Bjorn Borg (have you seen how gorgeous that man is these days - whew has he aged well or what?)to perve over. Also as for the beret - you go girl! I wouldn't wear one myself but only because I look really awful in hats but my little Bete is a hat fiend and has lots of them and wears them without a moments' insecurity, so you just wear what you like and screw the philistines who see church lady beret where French chic should be.

Fluffy Pink Thing said...

I'm with you, Peas! Richard Hammond is HOT! And I like berets. Wear that thing with pride, girl!

Say hi to Hilary for me... :)

Mrs Poly said...

Levi store, we have just established what my tastes are like.. and Richard Hammond is yum yum yum.
Agree with you on that one Peas on toast

The Levi Store said...

Mrs Poly! WTF, we have coffee in the week and now you turn on me an support Peas! Ok! Lets play! Peas is so cute, Hi Peas! Peas, I googled the fellow ang guess what? I look just like him, only taller!
:)

Boomkind said...

I still have my beret from my army days, doesn't look very french to me but perhaps it's because mine is black?

biteme said...

Def leppard- when love and hate collide..now thats crying on command!!