Thursday, August 06, 2009

grand design


Finally. It happened.

(Didn’t get laid, but have this funny twitching down in the loin area, feeding directly from the synapses in the brain area, that says, ‘Peas, you will get laid soon. And you will get laid well.’)

But I did cry.

Check it out, am still a raving hormonal bird. Not a machiavellian fembot. Wonderful.

It happened without any foreplanning, or any Whitney, or any horrifying images of mass swine death on the telly.

Was sitting there, and got onto the phone to my mum, mainly to inform her of how much I’ve managed to save in my fixed deposit account, because she usually hassles me endlessly about things like this, and finally, I had some news for her that might make her finally believe that I am a responsible young adult and stop the incessant nagging for at least 5 minutes.

She does this a lot.

Instead:

Peas: Mum…my bank account is working. Gulp, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Oh Goddddd waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………..

Mum: Peas I can’t hear you, stop crying, what is it.

Peas: [Gasp] waaaaaadontknowwhy [gasp] waaaaaaaaa [gasp] Ican’tstopwaaaaaaaa [gulp] I’m crying, but LOOK I’M CRYING. [Gasp] waaaaaaaaa….I need to man up, god, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……

Mum: Should I call you back in 5 minutes, because I actually can’t hear you. You’re hysterical.

Peas: Iwaaaaaaahatewintersomuch waaaaaa I [gasp] actually [gasp] have hot tears [gasp] running down my cheeks. Oooh I’m so sad, I’m so very very sad.

Then we chatted about why I am really sad, and it definitely has root causes that go beyond the Augustine climate, which I shant bore you with.

I felt so incredibly tired and floaty after my wail. My eyes were puffier than Puffy MacPufferson’s cheese puffs, and my sinuses had issues. But definite relief. Wow.

I think, to celebrate, I’ll go to art exhibition opening tonight with some friends.

Drink some wine, talk design, and humour the arty folk with proclamations of ‘Ooh, look at that sturdy texture. And the symmetry. Just look at the fucken symmetry.’
Then launch into a rhetoric about the Bauhaus design programme; just the kind of philanthropic bullshit that gets these people off.

It’s at these things one gets the opportunity to:
1) Get out of the house, put a face on, and show the public my dangley earrings.
2) Walk up to an abstract cube and swoon, ‘Is that a dog? Oh….now I see.’ Then skulk away.
3) Check out gay men. It’s a start. I don’t reALLY bother to check out anyone these days. Maybe Starting with men who have aversions to other men won’t be so intimidating.
4) Be in a well-lit area.
5) Drink wine in a cultured venue. Although truth be told, we’ll probably head over to the pub afterwards.

Oh, I’m meeting Hillary Clinton on Friday. (I know?!)

For those of you who may not know, and live under the Earth’s crust in a watertight bunker, she’s the US Secretary Of State. And is married to The Kinky Cigar Dog, otherwise known as Bill.

Richard Hammond wrote her name on his car when travelling through the Deep South Bible Belt in the States, to provoke some kind of republican reaction.
And immediately almost got lynched by a clutch of mullet-wielding hicks.

After that amazingly heroic act by the man who makes my ovaries jangle with excitement, I wrote him a letter suggesting we should get married and make beautiful sweet babies love together.

Maybe it never arrived, or his wife got threatened and tore it up into millions of pieces in a fit of rage. Bitch.

Anyway, back to Hillary.
Exclusive women’s luncheon or some such. My colleague was invited, and can’t go, so I’m next on the list. Sloppy seconds.com over here doesn’t care, its Hillary for God’s sake.

13 comments:

Monkigirl said...

If it helps at all, my father in-law announced this morning that winter is over.com (save for a few cold snaps).

I wanna go to a swanky arty farty thing too! :-(

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

Fuck:-) When im good im good.. And when im bad im good.. Told you i detected hormones by long distance party trick a day or two ago! Now its public..

Please ask Hilary if it was a Montechristo?

Peas on Toast said...

Monki - yay for your father-in-law!
I must say I felt helluva warmer this morning as well - could it be? Could it be that the worst is finally ovah??

Levi - hahaha is that one of the illegal Cuban guys?

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

Its a good 8 inch Cubana. :) You are spot on.. :)

Mickey G said...

Peas your fascination with Richard Hammond fascinates me. I just don't see it, but as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and at least you don't have a thing for Clarkson because that would be a crying matter.

Onto you meeting Hilary, ask her if her hubby would have been so courageous to go into Korea and save reporters if any of those reporters were male?

Use it, dont use it.

Peas on Toast said...

Mickey - haha, I was thinking about asking that - 'So Hills - can I call you Hills? How did Bill really cope with his jailtime...did they knit him a poncho?'

;)

Richard Hammond is just so frightfully British, but also frightfully good looking for a Brit. I mean, have you SEEN his teeth? ;)

Nessers said...

OMG I cried last night too - felt all sorry for myself cos I was not getting any - drank way too much wine and then howled down the phone to a friend in the UK for an hour - he was very sweet and told me all the right things at that point in time and I feel lots better today - I even have a date with a real live hottie tonight so who knows I may just get some action after all :-) - stunning on the Hillary thing BTW

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - wow, sounds very similar to my night - I'm glad somewhere in a parallel universe someone else had a good howl. (Of course, not the point that youre feeling sad though :()

A date! Nice work Nessers! And extra good work on the hottie aspect - hope you have fun tonight ;) xx

tucj7 said...

Peas, it's Joe. But somehow I can't call myself Joe anymore :-( Long time! Been reading in Google Reader, so comments been limited...

I would like to offer to help you... you know, with that twitching... You keen?

Peas on Toast said...

tuj - Joe Joe?
As in Brit Joe, or another Joe?

The Levi Store, "My Secret Diary" said...

hey.. maybe its G I Joe come to protect Hilary... How about that.. Im sure you could get a date.. and then the other gal above and you will both be sorted.. :-)

Kate said...

peas u going to the goethe instituut thingie? not sure aboutr it looks a little depro? :)

tucj7 said...

It's joe joe... The one and only!