Wednesday, September 02, 2009

ant's birthday

Ant’s birthday dinner last night – happy birthday my little pumpkin seed! – God I love you – and we drank a lot of vino rosso.

And also simultaneously realised her tripod stand for her camera extends three times the height we used in Mozambique. Without knowing the tripod could do that. Until now. Christ we feel dumb.

For her birthday I bought her some pink fuck-me-like-I’m-single heels (she’s a taken women, but give the girl a chance), a I Love Cock Cup (because she does and should), and a colander. She has three already. Personal joke.

I needed to see my Italian mate very badly though, above and beyond the fact it was her birthday.

Peas: Dude, I have something in common with your dog.

Ant: She’s a bitch?

Peas: Yeah. That, and her name is Roma.

Ant: So?

Peas: So…like….I’m going there. In 3 weeks.

Ant: What the fuck.

Peas: Yeah, with someone.

Ant: [gasp] You’re having a far-flung fling!

Peas: I’m going site seeing. Like I did ten years ago. Strictly speaking.

Ant: You little minx, site seeing? Is that what you kids call it these days? Rome?

Peas: Yes. So here’s the vibe. You know I took Italian at varsity? I can get by right. But I need a crash course. Forgotten lots, and frankly between the French and the Portuguese and the Spanish, it’s hard to tell what’s what anymore. I’m so confused.

Ant: OK what do you need to know.

Peas: OK. So what is, ‘I want to eat mozzarella cheese off your chest?’

Ant: Voglio mangere mozzarella formaggio del a su borso?

Peas: Cool. What is ‘Take me against the wall of the Sistine Chapel?’

Ant: Dude.

Peas: Fuck it, I’m Catholic, I’m allowed. Besides this is all just for fun, it’s not like I’d actually say that.

Ant: ‘La muro de la Sistina…’ [something or other I can’t remember which is FINE, because being a LADY, I’d never say that. OBVIOUSLY]

Peas: What is….

Ant: Genitalia? Male genitalia? Catzo for cock and peno for penis.

Peas: For the love of Monte Cristo. I was going to ask how I’d order wine at a restaurant.

Ant: Oh. Voglio una vino rosso, per favore.

Peas: Cool. Thanks. Grazie.

Ant: You’re having a far flung fling.

Peas: God, I start Advanced French at the Alliance next week. Fuck. My poor little brain is going to be so bewildered.

Ant: Francia? Merdo.

Peas: What is ‘That car is beautiful, and so is your face.’

Ant: La macchina es bella, e dunque ti faccia.’

Peas: And, …. ‘I am…soft and fragrant.’

Ant: Are you fucking serious? ‘Sono soffice e fragrante.’

Peas: And what about…..‘That tomato is awesome.’

Ant: ‘La pomodoro es bellissimo.’

Peas: Is this artichoke salad? You made artichoke salad?


Anonymous said...

Peas, this is a total classic! It had me laughing, really laughing... But iv a quiesion to ask you... is that ok? you may answer here..

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - hahah laugh all you want, my job is done :)

Anonymous said...

Yes, but may I ask the question..? I seriously need to know..

DelBoy said...

I think your Italian friend is a fake! That's the worst Italian I've ever seen in my life... unless it's like a Gauteng dialect or something!

getaway said...

Im soooooo excited for your trip (for you, of course)!!!!!

You have to give full updates hey, about... the site seeing - right.

Happy B-day Ant! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - what question dear?

Delboy - I blame myself completely. Ant's Italian is flawless, my brain after wine is not. So this is me trying to remember/quote what she said - and you're right, worst Italian ever! :)

getaway - totally! I'll let you know what the Colosseum looks like this time of year, I promise :) teehee

Anonymous said...

You took the bait..

The question is politely asked..

"are you perhaps hard of hearing or blind?"

You see, iv told you before.. All this need for Italian is a waste of time..

1. Speak International.

2. Wear the heeled Fuck Me pumps.

No need for the dictionary! :)

DelBoy said...

Fair enough. Then your Red Wine is the worst in the world! ;-)

You know, I lived in Italy for 4 years and Levi Store is right. No need for a dictionary with those Italian "boys". Heels and a short dress will do it. Especially with your tan(gerine)!

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - You are probably right I'm sure - but I love being able to speak a local language - at least a little so that they can understand me.
Hey and Itye sounds so cool as well!

DelBoy - Wow dude, where did you live? Hhaha I'm not particualrly out to impress any Italian boys per se. ;)

Crisis, from what I remember you just have to walk out onto the street as a living breathing woman and that does the trick right there.

DelBoy said...

I lived near Venice in Padua.

Too true. As long as you breathe and talk with an accent, you're a target.

Anonymous said...

Dem boys enjoy all fruit.. especially some guava, a sweet little tangerine, strawberry.. and on special dates.. a fruit cocktail.. :)

Anonymous said...

Peas.. Do you ever do, and take up an online challenge? Because I have a stunner challenge for you..

1. Google Images "American Girl in Italy" Ruth Orkin

2. Post this image on Thurs or Fri, and write a post about it..

Its sure to be fun for you and your readers.. im not sure you could handle it though.. :)

Peas on Toast said...

DelBoy - om my god, that's heavenly dude! How did you ever come back??

When my mate and I were backpacking through Italy, 'getting-hit-on' bought on a whole new meaning. They have no issues, for instance, with sticking their hand up your skirt while you're climbing a flight of stairs.

Peas on Toast said...

Levi - is Ruth Orkin the Italian version of Jenna Jameson?

Anonymous said...

no, not at all,, "American Girl In Italy" is prob the most famous image ever taken..
Take a look and see!

Peas on Toast said...

Ok will do! :)

Nessers said...

oohhhh I am so jealous - I want a far flung fling too - where can I get one????

Peas on Toast said...

haha hey nessers :)

Well they say the Internet is a good place to start - although mine's not from those parts.


moss said...

LMFAO!You're a chick! You certainly won't need to use any combination of italian syllables! But if you have to talk always make sure to do it very loudly and always say "Mi Scuzi" twice before every question... Please forgive me if my spelling is wrong!Enjoy your trip Peas! I'm sure it will be awesome!:-)

DelBoy said...

Italy may be great for a holiday, but it's not all pizza, red wine and sunshine. Tax is silly, my job sucked and as for the politics...

Australia is heaps better!! Especially Melbourne which is full of Greek and Italian immigrants spreading their own piece of European culture through restaurants, food and wine!