Monday, September 07, 2009

pissy passenger


So not the greatest of weekends in the history of weekends. My grandfather is pretty frail and I sincerely hope I’ll get to see him again.

Went on Dad’s motorbike along the peninsula, allocated various family members time slots, and had a full-on all-consuming two days involving family politics, family maintenance, a stroll with mum down Long Street, walking my dog on the beach, and keeping a very stoic face.

Then, after feeling utterly drained and emotional, I got onto the plane.
Now this is my vibe on a plane:

1) I don’t talk to people
2) I don’t talk to people
3) I don’t talk to people unless they’re my mates, or it’s Richard Hammond.

Especially on those long overnighters. When you were young and naïve, and flying was still a novelty. And you feel bad going to sleep, because once they start talking they don’t stop.

So I have a ritual, even on these short flights: Whack iPod into ears before the air hostess even welcomes me on board, never make eye contact. I’ve learnt.

So imagine how ecstatic I was to find two very drunk and rambunctious men sitting next to me. Obnoxious and loud, creating attention around them, generally annoying in open spaces, nevermind in tightly fucking enclosed ones.

The one next to me proceeded to mix his beer with his wine, and by the time we landed – after about 10 years – I was almost jumping over the seats to get the hell out of that plane.

‘I told the hostess to put the prettiest girl on the plane right next to me, and check it out! She arrived!’ He screams, as I’m shoving my suitcases into the overheads. [Why aren’t you Richard Hammond?]

I cringe, fuck. How am I going to deal with this for two hours?

‘Dave! Look, she’s arrived.’

iPod is firmly in the ears already. ‘Dave’ looks at me and says ‘Good luck, looks like you’re sitting next to my mate Gary.’

Fuck this for a ball of shit. Wouldn’t even be game if someone gave me twelve ecstasy tablets and a tequila to wash them down with. Not today; not this century.

Peas: So it’s your unlucky day. I don’t talk to people on aeroplanes. [Wave my iPod about].

Dave: She’s not going to talk to you dude, check it out!

Peas: Yeah don’t take it personally, but I kind of zone out. Starting from this very second…and that’s now.

Gary: [Slapping my thigh] Haha you’re funny! [the booze is my being blown into my face and it sure does smell], can I ask you just one question and then I’ll shut up?

Peas: [Shifting from the thigh slapping, now all but nestled in the window in a foetal position, he’s still talking he’s still talking, and now he’s spraying semi-regurgitated peanuts all over my lap.]

‘Yeah fine.’


Gary: Can we both listen to your iPod.

Peas: No. [Pretending now to be asleep, eyes closed, face turned towards window, desperately trying to escape into an erotic daydream of Rome.]

Gary: What’s your favourite band?

Peas: Air Supply and Whitney Houston.

Gary: What’s your name.

Peas: ……………………………………………………….Peas. [Why God why?]

Excruciating 2 hours go by, and land at Lanseria.

Gary: Let the ADD girl out, but wait, look she just smsed me. [Bearing in mind, he’s yelling when he talks, so it’s getting blind]

…………..she says she’ll come for scotch with me.
Can I carry your suitcase, you’ll get messy.

Peas: I’LL get messy?

Gary: You seem very tense. What do you do?

Peas: That’s because I am very tense.

Gary: [Grabs my suitcase]

Peas: No dude, no, it’s ok. NO.

And so it went, and as I stepped onto the runway I ran all the way to my car and powered out of there like a machine.

That economy class neighbourly nightmare aside, I’m glad I went down there, I had to. I am thoroughly drained now, slightly catatonic and endlessly just reaching into the back of my head for images of Rome as the perfect escape.

14 comments:

The Levi Store said...

Richard whom? I bet you were so tense you would have kept your pod to yourself even with the pale pink pom present. :)

We all have our challenges, and it sounds as if you paddled your own canoe reaaly well.. Even with Jake and the Fat Man!

Thumbs up!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Levi. Am thoroughly drained :(

No if the pale pink pom was present, he'd have my UNDIVIDED attention. ;)

getaway said...

Yup, double thumbs up on the paddling of boats peas - hugs

Levi - how can you not know Hammy?? AND you call yourself a friend
(shocked face) LOL

Secret said...

Ya know, I flew to Durban once to visit my then boyfriend who was working up there for a few months, and this guy I met in the terminal started chatting to me and telling me about his chick in London - I wasnt all that interested, so eventually, after telling him that im going to visit my boyfriend, he tries to do a cupid manouvre with myself and this other oke who was on our flight. I ignored them mostly, but I ended up sitting next to the guy who I was being set up with. He was such a breker. Its a pity the plane windows didnt open.
AND to top it off, the boyf and I had a MOERSE argument that weekend. haha

Sorry to hear about your grandpops x

Peas on Toast said...

getaway - yeah the last time I saw Hammy (on a dude's computer on the way down to CT on Friday - lots of craning of necks etc), he was looking quite tanned. Perhaps spent some time cruising the Costa Del Sol. Sigh... :(

Peas on Toast said...

Secret - oy vey NIGHTMARE! From where were you flying? (ie: how long was the trip??)

Why do people think that perfect strangers would want to hear their life stories, bombarded into their faces at close range?

getaway said...

yeah like - "do you want some croutons with that spittle?"

Hammy takes on a different sort of hot - seasonally!!

Peas on Toast said...

haha. Well this dude was spittling all sorts of peanut detritus onto my lap last night. Was raaaaaaather disgusting!

Revolving Credit said...

You'll get to Italy and meet the same guy..he'll be called Guido, not Gary, he'll spit flakes of pistachio, not peanut, smell more of strong cologne than beer( and wine..WTF)...but for all intents and purposes the same guy.

Next time tell him you're a divorce lawyer or a TV license inspector..either way it should put him off.

The Levi Store said...

Getaway!!! I do enjoy a little "hamster" at times.. :) , however im not particularly partial to any other kinda Hammy!
ps.. Where is your blog? it went missing? Would so like to visit you in bloggy land? Or you can visit The Store.. I enjoy gals that have lots to say!

Peas.. good to be friends, even if only online.. must admit that if i had your mobile number i would have supported you all through the weekend... something like a new Dr Phil online/text. How is that for a new business idea? :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rwev - WAHAHAHAHAHAH! GUIDO THE SPITTING PISATCCHIO MAN! WAHAHAHAHAHAH

Seriously - that just made my day!

Levi - thanks dude. Bloggyland is where I hide see ;)

The Levi Store said...

Im good with that.. But still a good business idea?
I mean for 2.50 per text you could join and register and have your own online Dr Phil! Imagine all the Dr Phils sitting in my call centre providing text support for the nation..
We need it.. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks dude, but I have a trusty Dr Phil already. :)
Thanks for the offer though!

Secret said...

Oi, sorry its taken like all day - forgot that I commented until now.
I was fluing from Cape Town, so it was only a 2 hour flight - still, it only took 10 minutes before I wanted to rip my eyes out and block my ears with them.