Tuesday, September 22, 2009

waxing not-lyrical

So that was the single most painful thing I’ve done in, like, 10 years.

So. The arduous task of grooming up.

You have to man up.

I’ve always used painless methods of hair removal. There I just said it. I use grooming mechanisms that don’t inflict pain the size of America.

Low pain threshold. Some people can give childbirth, some people get waxed, and these crazy fucks don’t feel anything more than a few twitches.

Now there’s the other side to the coin of unprecented poen pain, and that’s being Poen Shy.

Discussed this at length with my girl mates this weekend and they say – quite frankly in hindsight – that I should go professional. Although my mates who did wax themselves were poen shy. And frankly, I have to agree.

Opening your legs to some woman who puts hot wax there and yanks away. Even without the pain that’s a pretty raw picture. Freaks. Me. Into. Waxing. Submission.
So I thought, ‘it surely can’t be as painful as the time I did it in 2002?’

Ant said it would be just fine.

One forgets the pain. One is stupid.

So I went home, cut the strips up, put the wax into the microwave, and et cetera, did the vibe – and when yanking it off promptly punched myself in the nose.

Waxing has got to me thee most overrated activity on Earth, only succeeded by waiting for lost luggage. And that's not painful.

My follicles were on fire and my nose received a beating. This is what chicks happily do? What’s wrong with hair removal cream or laser?

Crisis. It’s bloody insane I tell you, insane. And men who voluntarily go for back, sack and cracks must be on full-time drugs something chronic.

Ant phoned me to see if I was still alive halfway through, and to be honest, barely.

Barely being the half operative word.

Half. Because I can’t face finishing the job.

What the fuck am I going to do?

Resort to the methods that don’t make me want to scream out, ‘Holy. Mother. Of Crap. Fucckkkkkkk. The Pain!’ maybe.


Flarkit said...

Maybe there's *seriously* HOT eyetalian stallion who goes wild at the notion of a one-sided you-know-what?

Maybe not

Vimbai said...

I feel your pain hun, having joined this hair removal cult a month back and geez, the pain...no-one warns you about the pain!

I feel sorry for the beauty therapists, only gynae's should really have to see va-jay-jay's on a frequent basis...its just not right!

All Hail said...

Peas, if you can possibly give into going to see a professional then rather do that. They are trained to take the wax off strategically.

Lucky for me my best friend is a qualified beautician (even though she's got bored with it and is now studying Biokenetics full time) so I'll be heading to hers on Thursday before Spring Break.

You met her on Saturday...Should I make an appointment? ha ha

Nessers said...

I on occassion (usually when I am broke) hot wax myself there but most of the time I do the full monty so to speak with a lady who has been waxing me for years and I can HONESTLY say that having her do it is far less painfull (not to mention neater) than when I do it myself - just go to a pro and stop being such a boy - we are female we can do this hehehe

Revolving Credit said...

Kinda reminded me of this post

Peas on Toast said...

Flarkit - shitters, the whole thing is lopsided and tufty - NOT A GOOD LOOK!!!!

Vimbai - that's exactly how I see it - poor buggers have to see people's poen's day-in-day-out kinda like the gynae - I just feel bad for them! Why make it worse?

All Hail - I met her? Wow ok, so she waxes vajayjays. Probelm is I'm leaving in just over 24 hours. I am screwed for time. SHIT!!! But perhaps in the future when I man-up, I will consult your mate ;)

Nessers - I heard it's less painful professionally, because they know what they're doing. But I'm going to ask for a general anesthetic anyway.

Rev - oooh she quite literally feels my pain! What a hoot - except that I am cringing for her and hoding my poen because I can literally feel the follicle fires from here!

Anonymous said...

Trust me...go professional.

The embarrassment is nothing compared to the pain of doing it yourself.

Nothing, I tell you.

Go Peas go! We're rooting for you

Peas on Toast said...

Jade - ...and open my legs and my....vibe...to a complete stranger lady??

I need a tranquiliser.

noodle said...

You gotta go professional if its been a while… more than a month and those roots won't budge. You don't physically have the leverage to rip those mo-fo's out. Plus the shop bought wax has shit grip compared to the professional shizzle.

A professional is exactly that, professional. They aren't particularly interesting in your hoo-ha, and they are quicker than you could ever be. Trust me.

That said, only go to someone who you've been referred to - there are some waxing buskers out there!

Secret said...

Im one to opt for the non painful hair removal cream/razor when I dont have time to wait for hair to dissolve option - maybs not always the best ideas with a roazor, I once cut myself..er..down there. I laughed for about a half an hour before I deocded to stop myself from bleeding to death.

Anyhow, I have the same shyness problem, i cant imagine sitting on a bed while some woman who I dont know (or even worse, do know) yanks fuzzies out. The gynae is tough enough as it is.

I went for an eyebrow wax on friday. Shitters, that was painful. I cried real tears.

All Hail said...


She could totally do it this afternoon or evening. I love how I'm just offering her services. ha!
The ladies a Perfect 10 in Bedfordview and Matis in Bedfordview are amazing too.

Yeah, you met her...Dark brown hair, she had a Barbie 21st back in the day? I just thought since you were freaked out by a COMPLETE stranger that may be a lil better! ;)

Thinking of that I think you may need to have a 'Barbie & Ken' 30th ;)

MamaMeeA said...

Yep. Professional is definitely better than any of the alternatives. It lasts longer, looks better, is far quicker and less painful and, considering that these ladies do this for a living, nothing to feel the least bit shy about.

mEeLa said...

LOL! we've all been there - pro is best but I try and stick with anonymous people. It feels kinda weird if someone you'd greet in the supermarket has her own relationship with your vajayjay...

Try taking 3 ibuprofen based painkillers (muscle relaxers) and have a hot bath to open your pores half an hour before you go, and get someone to drive you - it still hurts, but in a less einafok way.

Good luck - hope the guy is worth it ;)

Nessers said...

I agree with Secret - Eyebrow hurts WAY more than va jay jay

Peas on Toast said...

noodle - You don't physically have the leverage to rip those mo-fo's out. hahaha. Sorry, but my nose is bruised from said leverage....attractive! ;)

Secret - that's exactly my method...until now. God knows why I changed it! I also had my eyebrows waxed this week, and I cried tears. But it's NOT SO BAD - simply because it's not the vajayjay, I'm not sure about my eyebrows and it's only a small amount of hair - let's be honest!

All Hail - thanks sweetheart :) I'm pondering, except that I have French for two hours tonight. Before I go to Italy. What a win. Not ;) I am stuck for time!!

Mama - still shit scared! eek!

MeEla - I took two Myprodols - I'm trying to imagine the pain without it/? GOOD GOD...

Nessers - not even possible!!

The Nocturnal said...

I would go with the painless option also.