Tuesday, November 24, 2009

elevated involuntarily

OK, so got stuck in the Nairobi office lift today. There were about 10 power outages during our presentations – apparently not unheard of in this part of Africa.

Anyway, panic stations. Fuck me.

Cruising vertically into space to the seventh floor, staring at the numbers, as one does in a lift, making small talk with two other dudes and bang…stops.

And lights go out, so in the dark. For extra fun.

Now please understand – I’ve never experienced the contorting panic that is a lift, suspended, mid-air by one measly little cable, stopping and no one hearing you frantically push the alarm bell.

Come to think of it, I’ve avoided ever being stuck in a dodgy lift. Even in res at varsity, (I lived in a tampon. Seriously.) Where the lift was dodgier than Shabir Shaik, and mainly because someone had vomited in it the night before.

I had to sit down on the floor like a complete poen and take deep breaths because I felt all dizzy and claustrophobic. I just thought of someone cutting the cable and we’d go flying like lead balloons down a mineshaft – resulting as a gooey paste at the bottom.

I read in the You magazine when I was 10 (first mistake), that people who tried to fuck with lifts – as in horror stories of people climbing out between floors, or running into a lift when the doors were closing, got their legs snapped off.

There were graphic pictures too, and from that day onwards - back in the dark ages of 1990 - I knew I'd never advertedly piss an elevator off.

Lifts are dangerous little capsules that want to eat us alive ok.

And I was stuck in one yesterday for an excruciating 15 minutes.

Didn’t think I was the claustrophobic type, but let me tell ya – you are when it’s 40 degrees in there and the dude is asking you if you’ve ever been in a cave.

‘A cave? That’s totally different. A cave isn’t hanging by a cord ok. It’s in the wild. Caves don’t move.’

No one heard, bothered? about the alarm button I was pressing incessantly, while pushing beads and wondering how I never considered actually dying in Kenya.

The other dudes were nonchalant – oh I see, you do this everyday.

Anyway. So at 29, I experienced my first ‘fuck me I’m stuck in a lift’ experience.
This week, I got:
1) Headbutted by a giraffe called Laura
2) Got stuck in a lift dangling from the 6th floor
3) Ate a curry so hot, I thought my intestinal system would catch alight
4) Went to Kenya
5) Touched baby elephants

Not bad going, innit?

And at sparrow’s, I fly back home. I won’t forget the amazing smiles and sincere hospitality of the Kenyans. They truly are lovely people.


po said...

Poor PEas! That has never happened to me. I hope to keep it that way.

Haha the Tampon Towers, oh yes, Thos guys were high!

Thedailyspew said...

Not bad going at all peas - hope the flight home was less eventful

Schums said...

I thought Daisy was the one who headbutted you? :)

Kenya is awesome, I love it.

Peas on Toast said...

po - it's soooo not cool, I tell ya. I was on the 9th floor of that bad boy...the good old days eh. :)

Spew - heya! Luckily the flight was pretty darn normal - apart from the fact Randall Abrahams was on it...wonder if he's starting Idols in Kenya?

Schums - You're right it was Daisy! Laura was the other one! Well spotted...

Vimbai said...

It's not acceptable to be stuck in lift...unless there's a tall, dark and handsome something or the other to keep you *ahem* occupied.

And as a former resident of the illustrious Tampon Towers (8th floor resident in the hizzay!) eish yah, those lifts *smh*

Peas on Toast said...

Ooh Vimbai you too? China, you were also of the upper echelons of the tampon society I see! The male version of the lifts were pretty darn revolting - even more so - at the best of times eh? ;)


did you know... that modern elevators do actually come with emergency rescue devices and that they can also be retrofitted with them? These ERD's do not necessarily take passengers to ground floor but to the next available floor and open the door, when there is a power failure. ERD's are the elevator's own back-up battery. Now you know ;)

People still make love in elevators - gross but true. Footage exists. Hotels which thought their staff or patrons were stealing from them, installed hidden cameras (through the ceiling lighting using twisted pairs on the car roof), only to discover a lot of goings on in the cars! Fact!


I'm sorry you were stuck in for so long... such a horrible experience. I've been stuck many times :)

DelBoy said...

Are we talking about the Tampon Towers in Cape Town? Been there... not a pretty place...

Peas on Toast said...

Underfoot - thanks dude, and yip I have to say I've been guilty of a lift shag before myself :) Back in the days when I didn't care if I was caught :)

Elevators do have their own back-up systems, but what happens when THAT goes down?

DelBoy - the very same, the res buildings in Rondies :)