Friday, December 04, 2009
top gear live
Well slap my ass and call me Gloria.
And they say dreams don’t come true in this bitch of a world. Wrong.
I got the most delightful email yesterday. Well, no that’s not true. I got two delightful emails yesterday.
The first: my expertise on where one can buy a dildo without actually going into Adult World; (the Internet should come up with a few possibilities)
The second: Subject line: Top Gear Live.
Immediately break out into a randy sweat as I realise it’s penned by someone who is directly integrated and responsible for bringing Top Gear World Tour out to South Africa in February 2010.
I quote: We have seen that you are a huge fan of Richard Hammond and we would love to get you involved with the show..
Basically, and I’m going to write this before I pass out from excitement of an intense horny nature: I am going to meet Richard Hammond. In Cape Town. On his Top Gear World Tour.
Holy everything that’s holy, do you realise what this means? This means,
1) I get to give Richard my fan letters by my own hand. Our fingers might even touch.
2) I get the chance for him to fall in love with me [sidenote: In a very professional, well-behaved non-stalky manner, for that I have given my word].
3) I get to prove that he IS my height and not 3 feet 7. I will prove this with a photograph.
4) Jesus, please may I not cry or bubble from the mouth or do anything retarded.
Alors, I am meeting ze love of my lyfe, ze beautiful Reeshar Ammonde. Swines are but propelling through the air, en masse, and are hanging levitated, above my head.
This has got to be the most exciting day for my ovaries since I last watched Richard on the Liza (Liza Minelli. Telly.) I have had to be extremely disciplined in not telling random strangers in the supermarket, ‘Hey sorry can I just stretch past to get that milk…I’m meeting Richard Hammond.’
Or mouthing off to strangers at red lights, ‘Me. ME. I. Am. Meeting. Richard. Hammond.’
Or to clients, ‘Is that right? Great, have the document to me by the end of the day. I’m meeting Richard Hammond. Kthksbye.’
Holy Crap people, I’M MEETING RICHARD HAMMOND.
Oh Em Gee, he’s my….. dreamboat.
Ooh, I’ll give him a copy of my book. And write him secret messages inside.
And guess what? I get to share a bit of the love too. Picture this:
You win a double ticket to watch Top Gear Live for their World Tour. When they come – in all their glory – to Cape Town and Johannesburg.
You can win! You need to email me though. (email@example.com). And it needs to be quick. The competition aint gonna last forever.
And you need to answer the following questions, (God this is fun:)
1) Name one slogan Hammond sprayed on his car when they were travelling through the Deep South on their American tour.
2) Which television station views Top Gear?
3) What car does Jeremy Clarkson modify to take to The British Academy Awards and who did he chauffeur?
4) What are Richard Hammond’s children called.
5) Who do YOU think the Stig is?
Email me with your answers and YOU just could be meeting James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond at GrandWest Cape Town or the Coca Cola Dome, Joburg.
This is not a joke. This is my serious face.
Oh and I’m seeing The Killers tonight! Jenny was my mate!