Friday, December 04, 2009

top gear live

Well slap my ass and call me Gloria.

And they say dreams don’t come true in this bitch of a world. Wrong.
I got the most delightful email yesterday. Well, no that’s not true. I got two delightful emails yesterday.

The first: my expertise on where one can buy a dildo without actually going into Adult World; (the Internet should come up with a few possibilities)

The second: Subject line: Top Gear Live.

Immediately break out into a randy sweat as I realise it’s penned by someone who is directly integrated and responsible for bringing Top Gear World Tour out to South Africa in February 2010.
I quote: We have seen that you are a huge fan of Richard Hammond and we would love to get you involved with the show..

Basically, and I’m going to write this before I pass out from excitement of an intense horny nature: I am going to meet Richard Hammond. In Cape Town. On his Top Gear World Tour.

Holy everything that’s holy, do you realise what this means? This means,
1) I get to give Richard my fan letters by my own hand. Our fingers might even touch.
2) I get the chance for him to fall in love with me [sidenote: In a very professional, well-behaved non-stalky manner, for that I have given my word].
3) I get to prove that he IS my height and not 3 feet 7. I will prove this with a photograph.
4) Jesus, please may I not cry or bubble from the mouth or do anything retarded.

Alors, I am meeting ze love of my lyfe, ze beautiful Reeshar Ammonde. Swines are but propelling through the air, en masse, and are hanging levitated, above my head.

This has got to be the most exciting day for my ovaries since I last watched Richard on the Liza (Liza Minelli. Telly.) I have had to be extremely disciplined in not telling random strangers in the supermarket, ‘Hey sorry can I just stretch past to get that milk…I’m meeting Richard Hammond.’

Or mouthing off to strangers at red lights, ‘Me. ME. I. Am. Meeting. Richard. Hammond.’

Or to clients, ‘Is that right? Great, have the document to me by the end of the day. I’m meeting Richard Hammond. Kthksbye.’


Oh Em Gee, he’s my….. dreamboat.

Ooh, I’ll give him a copy of my book. And write him secret messages inside.

And guess what? I get to share a bit of the love too. Picture this:

You win a double ticket to watch Top Gear Live for their World Tour. When they come – in all their glory – to Cape Town and Johannesburg.

You can win! You need to email me though. ( And it needs to be quick. The competition aint gonna last forever.
And you need to answer the following questions, (God this is fun:)

1) Name one slogan Hammond sprayed on his car when they were travelling through the Deep South on their American tour.

2) Which television station views Top Gear?

3) What car does Jeremy Clarkson modify to take to The British Academy Awards and who did he chauffeur?

4) What are Richard Hammond’s children called.

5) Who do YOU think the Stig is?

Email me with your answers and YOU just could be meeting James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond at GrandWest Cape Town or the Coca Cola Dome, Joburg.

This is not a joke. This is my serious face.

Oh and I’m seeing The Killers tonight! Jenny was my mate!


Monkigirl said...

"So... Mr Clarkson... You like cars then?"

"well yes... yes I do"

"wow that's nice, what's your favourite?"

Also going to see The Killers tonight, are you in cattle class or golden shower?

Peas on Toast said...

Monki - it may take him a whole next novel to decsribe his favourite! :)
I'm going - sooo excited! I tried to get an, er, golden shower, but no luck. So am moshing in the pleb puit tonight with the rest of the common world. Velly velly excited! And you?

harold said...

the stig is obviously Mr Spock. no one else can travel that fast. fact.

Peas on Toast said...

harold - maybe it's Evil Kanievel?

Monkigirl said...

He must get asked that A LOT though, all 3 of them in fact.

We're also slumming it with the common folk. Maybe we'll mosh into each other ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Monki - totally. He probably says something like 'The 2009 model Opel Corsa now' ;)

See you in the mosh pit baby!

Monkigirl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monkigirl said...

Tsk tsk Peas, that's Vauxhall Corsa to you ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

You're too right!

Revolving Credit said...

Oooh...I sooo gonna have to get a picture of this and stick it on the interwebs. Maybe if you wear one of those Stig helmets, he won't spot you drooling.

You gonna have to tell me which day you're going to the Cape Town show.

You should definitely wear leather...for that new car smell!

Thedailyspew said...

Congratulations POT, am sure it will be fantastic!!! Surely you can give us a few of your pick up lines you have created to do with cars, and Mr Hammond? There must be plenty

Billy said...

Am Killing it tonight too. Are we human, will we be tommorow?

harold said...

Evel Knievel....mmmmm maybe but no. it is clear from watching the Stig in slow motion that you see subtle differences in their respective gaits. it becomes fairly obvious that the Stig is indeed alien (or Spocky if you must) when you FFW top gear on your DVD player at x128 speed: you immediately see the Stig pop out of the screen in 3D like one of that huisgenoot 3D posters of the 90’s. almost the same as eating that mushroom and ‘reading’ pink floyd album covers…

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - tee hee :) Leather like a dominatrix eh? I think I can arrange that! :)

I'll be posting pics ALL of Tinternet don't you worry! :)

Spew - I asked Dove for some spading advice last night. I have no idea where to even START. I'm going to write a list and ask for your help!

Billy - perhaps not, but we WILL be dancin! Enjoy it, I can't wait!

Harold - oooh now that is some serious integral research I see there. The Stig on FFW? i MEAN i HAVEN'T EVEN DONE THAT TO hAMMOND YET :)

Billy said...

you getting mail if you dont mind....Santa be returning....

harold said...

dont. Hammond shrinks at that speed. had to use the disability view magnifying feature on the TV to observe this phenomenon. It

Anyway, I would rather think you’d like him to go a slooooower…

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - email away guy! :)

harold - hahahahahahahahahaha!
You're absolutely right. I want to take a photo of him, freeze him in time, enlarge the photo and make a cardboard cut out of the dude for my bedroom :)

Ewan said...
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DelBoy said...

So, if I win will you fly me from Melbourne?