Thursday, February 18, 2010

queen of farts

So in between not remembering what it’s like to sleep, and not remembering how it last felt not being strung out, I went after a work event yesterday for my third bridesmaid dress fitting.

The lady is very sweet, and rather religious judging from the crucifixes dotted about her doiley home, although the shuffling kind of reminds me of my old school housemistress.

Except about 1000% less draconian than her.

Either way, she’s sweet, pedantic and relatively harmless, chatters on. Each dressfitting takes a couple of hours, hectic, but our dresses are looking beautiful, and each design has come out well. We all pretty much designed our own dresses with the help of Ant, who’s been amazing in that the colours are awesome and she’s given us some freedom with our dresses.
And this lady has done a great job.

And yet, she did it again.

She bloody farted.

Seriously. The first time, because we change and pin in this rather hot room, there was suddenly this horrifically tangible and highly odiferous baff odour about us. Like a freight train. No noise, just pure lethal smell.
She carries on clucking away, while sticking pins on our straps and shuffling along, when it hits you like a frigging meat cleaver.

And it lingers. While she carries on like nothing happened. You almost wonder who did it, because she acts like nothing’s wrong, but it can only be her.

The second time – last night – I asked the other bridesmaid, ‘Dude. Is…..she farting? Seriously.’ The other bridesmaid duly confirmed, while holding her nose.

It’s insane. It’s actually freaking hilarious. If it weren’t for the honage. Minus that.


MamaMeeA said...

Unfortunately, farting is just one of those things that comes with ageing.
I knew a couple of old ladies who used to go walking together and one of them told me at some point that it was great for the two of them to walk together because they could fart away without feeling bad! (And besides, the one was too deaf to hear the other's farts anyway!)

Rémy, The Quill said...

That is a prime example of the "silent but violent" tactic employed by the meanest and slickest of farters. The amateurs make those squeeky ones that sound like a finger being scraped on a clean wet tile...and the rude one make those that sound like thunder...But the assassins, those are the ones that have been trained in Nazi death camps. All you see is a gas mask, a hole in the chimney...and the nose-wrenching, personality-crippling smell of yes...a fart!

Peas on Toast said...

Mama - Bless them for at least going outside for a brisk little stroll! The room we're packed into is about 5 x5 metres and hot as hell. So you end up close to passing out...

Remy - ut the assassins, those are the ones that have been trained in Nazi death camps.
hahahaha. Toilet humour still amuses the, er, crap out of me!

Rémy, The Quill said...

Peas on Toast: Toilet humour is the shit. Digging the blog by the way. You had me at goodbye!

The Silent Me said...

It reminds me of the bastard in my office that will on certain nights eat a dead body with a side of cabbage, and then the next day do hit and run farts, just walks past your desk and drops one that takes the enamel off your teeth. I still wake up screaming from the last time it happened...............

Peas on Toast said...

Remy - thanks china ;)

Silent Me - and drops one that takes the enamel off your teeth.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! hilarious!

Charmskool said...

The technical term for those farts is "SBD" - stands for silent but deadly. Bete's late dad introduced me to them and their correct appellation when I was an impressionable 22 year old - I am still traumatized! I hope I never end up deaf and doin' them and not knowing that it's happening and nauseating my grandchildren and my 70 year old toyboy (I have plans for my old age you know)

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - Farts, like by-product, really are one of the heinous things on Earth.

Methane gas, I'm telling ya, is contributing to global warming. A sub-study should be done on that alone.

The Blonde Blogshell said...

OMG. I'm on the floor. That is quite a wicked trick to act as if nothing happened. Maybe her farts over the year have singed the senses in her nostrils so she can't smell anything.
I would not be able to stop laughing....crikey!!

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - I'm telling ya, this fart was a force to be reckoned with. She should be an actor not a dressmaker - because hell, we were going blue from holding our breaths while she just carried on talking.... ;)

cat said...

Oh my word! Heavens - I am smell sensitive and may just puke on said bridesmaid dress.

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