medical screen 2: the dentist, so help me god

On a whole bunch of novacane and cannot currently feel my face.

Including my nose, which is very odd.

Dentistry went spectacularly shit, as envisioned.

Hence the heart palpitations beforehand and severe lack of sleep. My FEET were even sweating man.

Didn’t envisage the semi – that’s half – root canal I’d have to get for my furthermost back molar. Good God.

Thought maybe worst case scenario, a couple of fillings. Oh no, not on this clock.

Turns out a previous dentist who covered a cavity there a few years ago didn’t do such a hot job and the thing’s been eating away at itself ever since.

Dude.

Drilled filling out with a measurable ka-thonk noise, and continued to drill, feeling much like tarmac being hit with a power drill.

After that and a number of injections, fixed other small holes and then cleaned my teeth.

Now see? THAT’S why I don’t go to the dentist to undergo torture of a steel drill nature.

After the fluoride treatment, I spat on my hair by mistake.

Dental treatments are never dignified.

Also, when they drill, microscopic pieces of tooth end up as a fine spray all over your face.
And then there’s the fucking suction tube.


Dentist: Just to be sure, I’m going to take x-rays of your mouth.

Peas: Right.

[pause]

Peas: Question?

Dentist: Yes?

Peas: Will I get cancer from the exposure of these potentially lethal gamma rays?

Dentist: That’s why you’re wearing a lead vest over your salivary bib.

Peas: Fuck the salivary bib. X-Rays give me cancer, you can’t deny it.

Dentist: No, it’s very targeted to one area.

Peas: It’s targeted onto my head. Where my brain sits. Be straight with me woman, will this x-ray fuck with my brain?

Dentist: No really, you’ll be fine.

Peas: I know I’m a little highly strung but seriousl…

Dentist: I’m just leaving the room to switch the button on your x-ray.

Peas: IF IT’S SO SAFE WHY ARE YOU LEAVING THE ROOM?! HEY! ……………………HEY!.......................COME BACK!

Dentist: [weeeep zoop noise] Done.

Peas: Fuck.

……………….

After two hours of dental tooth surgery, novacane, injections, drilling.

Peas: Wa. Ah yuh finuh.

Dentist: I’m done. That was hard work.

Peas: I cah fee ma fay.

Dentist: You’re not meant to feel your face. It’ll wear off in 3 hours.

[pause ] suction noises erupt from salivary contraption.

Peas: I WAH SOOOO BRAY!!

Dentist: Yes you were so brave. Well done.

[pause]

Good luck in England. The dental system there is up to shit. They push you through too quickly for quality work. On that, you may need to get the rest of that root canal done if it gives you any problems.

Peas: Wha?

Dentist: We only did half today. It’s a 50/50.

Peas: WHA? FA FUH SAYS.

Dentist. Yes, indeed. Next please.

……………………..

This volcano. The Ash Crisis.

Do me a favour and cork the fucker. Cork it like this dentist corked my molar for crissakes.

Paris on Friday isn’t looking like it’s going to happen.