Wednesday, April 21, 2010

medical screen 2: the dentist, so help me god


On a whole bunch of novacane and cannot currently feel my face.

Including my nose, which is very odd.

Dentistry went spectacularly shit, as envisioned.

Hence the heart palpitations beforehand and severe lack of sleep. My FEET were even sweating man.

Didn’t envisage the semi – that’s half – root canal I’d have to get for my furthermost back molar. Good God.

Thought maybe worst case scenario, a couple of fillings. Oh no, not on this clock.

Turns out a previous dentist who covered a cavity there a few years ago didn’t do such a hot job and the thing’s been eating away at itself ever since.

Dude.

Drilled filling out with a measurable ka-thonk noise, and continued to drill, feeling much like tarmac being hit with a power drill.

After that and a number of injections, fixed other small holes and then cleaned my teeth.

Now see? THAT’S why I don’t go to the dentist to undergo torture of a steel drill nature.

After the fluoride treatment, I spat on my hair by mistake.

Dental treatments are never dignified.

Also, when they drill, microscopic pieces of tooth end up as a fine spray all over your face.
And then there’s the fucking suction tube.


Dentist: Just to be sure, I’m going to take x-rays of your mouth.

Peas: Right.

[pause]

Peas: Question?

Dentist: Yes?

Peas: Will I get cancer from the exposure of these potentially lethal gamma rays?

Dentist: That’s why you’re wearing a lead vest over your salivary bib.

Peas: Fuck the salivary bib. X-Rays give me cancer, you can’t deny it.

Dentist: No, it’s very targeted to one area.

Peas: It’s targeted onto my head. Where my brain sits. Be straight with me woman, will this x-ray fuck with my brain?

Dentist: No really, you’ll be fine.

Peas: I know I’m a little highly strung but seriousl…

Dentist: I’m just leaving the room to switch the button on your x-ray.

Peas: IF IT’S SO SAFE WHY ARE YOU LEAVING THE ROOM?! HEY! ……………………HEY!.......................COME BACK!

Dentist: [weeeep zoop noise] Done.

Peas: Fuck.

……………….

After two hours of dental tooth surgery, novacane, injections, drilling.

Peas: Wa. Ah yuh finuh.

Dentist: I’m done. That was hard work.

Peas: I cah fee ma fay.

Dentist: You’re not meant to feel your face. It’ll wear off in 3 hours.

[pause ] suction noises erupt from salivary contraption.

Peas: I WAH SOOOO BRAY!!

Dentist: Yes you were so brave. Well done.

[pause]

Good luck in England. The dental system there is up to shit. They push you through too quickly for quality work. On that, you may need to get the rest of that root canal done if it gives you any problems.

Peas: Wha?

Dentist: We only did half today. It’s a 50/50.

Peas: WHA? FA FUH SAYS.

Dentist. Yes, indeed. Next please.

……………………..

This volcano. The Ash Crisis.

Do me a favour and cork the fucker. Cork it like this dentist corked my molar for crissakes.

Paris on Friday isn’t looking like it’s going to happen.

10 comments:

kyknoord said...

Ja, it's terrible when your face wears off. That's why I look the way I do.

Peas on Toast said...

kyk - It's really weird when you can't feel your nose. I'm telling ya.

Anique said...

I have the same problem and have been avoiding going, can I ask how much this set you back (I have to pay cash)? You can email me if private LOL

Peas on Toast said...

Anique - let's put it this way:
I'm on executive medical aid, where pretty much everything is covered 100%. EXCEPT dental, where 60% is covered. Apparently this is normal.

The whole ordeal cost R3000. I'll get 60% of that back...

Anique said...

Ah thanks and that is just for half the work? EISH

Ja I have a problem where some smarty pants dentist (when I was a teen) told me I could protect my perfect teeth with some sealant which has in turn caused problems for 2 of my teeth. Idiot, I should be able to sue him

cassey said...

:( This is not helping me and my avoid the dentist tendancies. I have to have an extraction, have put it off for 2 years now...I think it might be another year before I go there.

Hope your face is feeling like it should.

Peas on Toast said...

Anique - oh my god?! What the hell did he think coating you with Woodoc and/or sealant? Hectic dude, how do you get it off your dentures??

cassey - I know how you feel anxiety-wise, and sorry you have to have this extraction! But seriously, I'd go now. Just because I reckon the longer you leave it the worse it'll get. If I knew I had to have this root canal thing, I would've gone months ago. Seriously.

Anique said...

Dentures? FARK, hilare :D :D :D Not yet ...

cassey said...

Peas, well I do have to wait now, as we changed medical aid. It was an unintentional bonus of changing that I have to wait :0

The Python said...

Not keen on dentists myself, especially SA dentists who keep telling you about

1.all the property they are buying back home
2. what a wonderful team the Boks are, even when I am wearing my French supporters shirt.

Any you cannot contribute sarcastic comments because you mouth is full of fingers, probes, drills and a sucker thing.