Monday, August 23, 2010

body maths

1 x honeymoon period
As about 4 days ago, very very much in love with London.
It feels like it's all coming together and that the city might even be warming to me. Or maybe I'm just toughening up.

1 x manflu
My poor Brit caught my manflu.

Peas: You've just been on a wild and crazy stag do in Edinburgh. So you didn't catch it from me.

Brit: I did catch it from you. It's just come out of incubation.

Peas: You can't blame me for this. At least not entirely.

Brit: And why not?

Peas: Because...that sucks.

1 x British experience in Brighton
We ate fish and chips, as one does, on the cloudy, windswept and pebbled shores of Brighton. When asked what we want to drink with our fish and chips, everyone unanimously chimed, 'Tea.'

Peas: Tea? With fish?

Team: Yes. Why?

Peas: Erm...I know you all love your tea, but with your savoury meal? Don't get me wrong, tea with a scone, sure. With fish drizzled in vinegar?

Team: What else would we drink with our meal?

Peas:....a beer? Glass of water? ...a Coke?

Team: No. Tea.

Peas: Right. Well best I drink tea then...with my cod.

And henceforth cradled a milky cup of tea in a polystyrene cup, and realised that those who chide the English for bland food, in in this case, 100% correct. (Zing it up with a coke, come on).

4 x shoes
After meeting mates out for a long liquid lunch over the weekend, I shopped when I was drunk. And came home with a bagful of shoes. None, luckily, the cash equivalent of Elton John's Riviera pad, or aquamarine suede. (As I've done before.)

But 4 pairs of shoes nevertheless. Post-purchase guilt has firmly set in, and next time I will refrain from getting off the tube at Kensington High Street after cocktails. Maybe.

45 x herbal tablets
My aunt took me to a Dr Hong over the weekend. To 'balance out my hormones and re-coordinate my body. Pounds later and a dude holding my pulse and telling me it was 'weak' (I'm frail?), this is what happened:

Doctor: ching chong ya ya haha honk kond dong nihaw.

Translator: He's worried about your body not being balanced.

Peas:...and he got that how?

Doctor: [concerned and shouting] Nihaw yak! Jyutping jutpin mah!

Translator: You have digestive problems.

Peas: Well sometimes after a large night on the piss, I get a bit bloa...

Doctor: Yak! Shaojiang Deng Xiaoping!

Translator: Your body is hanging onto toxins and throwing your whole body out of balance. Do you experience PMS?

Peas: I will snap your head off with a scythe.

Translator: Here. Two weeks herbs for only 70 pound.

Peas: What the FUCK.

Translator: Next time, you acupuncture.

Peas: Awesome.

1 x eyebrow waxing

Was looking a little woolley. She plucked me to buggery. My eye area looks a bit bald, mate.

1 x Brit
Love my little Anglo-Saxon.

No comments: