Friday, November 05, 2010

let's synergise then decentralise

Work currently takes up 3/4 of my life at the moment.

All work and no play makes Peas a very dull girl.

Granted, the work I'm doing does keep me on my toes. Doing PR for a company as large as mine is interesting as fuck. But it's definitely one of the more...chaotic jobs I've had.

Am aching for the weekend.

The Brit and I are going raving. Seriously. At a club called Fabric, in north London.
Whistles, white gloves and ho pink, thank you very much.

I'm also meeting up with my mates this weekend - it feels like years since I've seen my London crew.

So in light of being lambasted by work and meetings; was thinking about these such pan-continental boardroom scenarios, in that whichever country you're in, it really is the same bullshit.

The showdown of corporate speak, with industry buzzwords peppering sentences, like We need to leverage all the key roleplayers in order to take advantage of the low-hanging fruit.

When people say to me, in all seriousness, "low hanging fruit," I immediately think of testicles.

Which made me wonder.

What if instead of lying and saying The key best-practice we need to delayer in order to leverage and disperse an enterprise-wide solution would be cross-functional decentralisation, how about saying EXACTLY what you mean in meetings instead?

Person: We need to align. Is everyone on the same page?

You: Last night I squeezed anti-dandruff shampoo up my nought. I liked the way it felt. I am going to do it again tonight.

Person: There has been push back with the transparency of our spokespeople.

You: I'd really like to fuck you.

Person: The decentralisation is a value-add. It's a win-win for all our partners and stakeholders..

You: I know.....let's all just dance. [Push button on CD player under the table]. Come on everybody, let's dance.

Person: We need to think out of the box to get all of our ducks in a row. Has everyone got that down as an action item?

You: No. My action item is to get Richard Hammond's naked crack onto my face.

Person: Face-to-face high-level meetings to touch base will de-silo our attempts for a helicopter view of the organisation.

You: OK Dennis. Can I call you Dennis?

Person: My name is John.

You: So let me get this right Dennis. You've only said that because it makes you sound like you know what you're talking about and you want your manager, sitting aft of you, to think you're contributing to this meeting.

Person: The basic functionality of our briefings include crisis management and deployment.

You: Jesus. Someone either give me an ecstasy tablet or put my chair above a trapdoor so that I get swallowed up whole. Your tweed jacket is insane.

Person: It's all about synergy. Being proactive about synergy.

You: What the fuck does that even mean? I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm only talking because I like the sound of my own voice.

One of three things could happen if you open your mouth and blast forth.
1) You get fired.
2) You get high fived and then you get fired.
3) You get a warning, and then 'managed out.'*

* fired.

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