Tuesday, January 04, 2011

essex & guinea pig packs


Well happy new year, Internet.

I have been off work for the past week, which in essence, should've been filled with parties all night long every night of the week, but instead was fraught with migraines.

I don't usually get migraines, and if I do it's once every two years.

It starts with the blurry vision, slurred speech, and I know if I don't swallow some fuck off hectic painkillers, the pain is going to annihilate me.

I had three this past week, starting on Christmas Day (with the Brit holding back my hair as I yacked into a bucket), and ending with a cataclysmic one yesterday, where my entire neck went stiff.

It's been wicked.

I think it's my body shutting down after a crazy year involving 1 x emigration, 1 x new job, 1 x new course, 1 x new house, 1 x new everything.

Albeit, I've had the Brit and Wayne & Dwayne to tide me over. Look at them. Fuck me they're cute.

So Dwayne looks like a squirrel. I'm convinced he's half squirrel, and the postman squirrelman was visiting.
Him and Wayne are inseparable. Best of mates, if not noisy little farkers when they're fighting over carrot wheels together.

Getting a Dwayne for Wayne was the best thing we did.

Then there was Essex.

Which is where, evidently, we were for new year.

It is still a part of Britain I never wished to see; it really is everything that people say it is.

We went because friends of ours have a holiday place there. So we thought, 'group of us, big house party.' So off we went to Clacton-on-Sea. This dreary little coastal town, typical British seaside resort that has seen better days and is now filled with juvenile delinquents and retired people.

We went to a club to see the new year in, and like clockwork, saw two fights. With coppers and blood on the scene. I also had a traumatic experience in the female bogs.
One woman pushing her hand under my stall insisting I hand her my bog roll. ("I don't have any! I am drip drying, now leave me alone!")

She went on and on. The women in there were fighting and calling each other cunts, one was yacking, and they were all wearing 6000 litres of makeup, white stilettos and dresses that your Dad would call, conservatively, 'a belt.'

It was interesting. And all the rumours about Essex are true.

8 comments:

Charmskool said...

Yuck Essex sounds gross! However, Wayne and Dwayne are GORGEOUS!!!! Poor thing - migraines are the pits. I used to get gazillions of them but now I only get one or two a year. I always think I'm having a stroke or an aneurism when I get them because they are so terrible. I discovered that an anti-inflammatory injection from the doc works to reduce them to a mild throb. Try it.

The Chantal said...

Awwwwwwwww Wayne n Dwayne are so cute man! what exactly are they lol? (I can only guess guinea pigs but not sure)

Happy new year, thankfully I think 2011 will be a much calmer year for you. I can just imagine those Essex ppl from the shows on BBC etc, scary! lol lucky you got out the toilet alive - what a way to go if....

The Chantal said...

ya n then I saw the topic n felt like a dumb-asssssssssssssssssssss, so ignore my Q. Guinea pigs duh :P

The Chantal said...

and by topic I meant title lol :/

Secret said...

Britain, on a whole, is sounding less and less attractive...

Happy New Year Peas!

cassey said...

Happy new year to you too :0

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - aren't they just ridiculously PEACHY?
And yes tis true - Essex is...quite a wonderment to behold.
Sorry to hear you've also had migraine issues - they floor me. Can't stand them.

Chan - I tell you what, I thought I'd never get out of that toilet. Clock had just struck twelve and thought I'd be a pumpkin in Essex for the rest of my days...
And yip, cute little guineas eh? :)

Secret - ha! I assure you it's just Essex. The rest is really very pretty!

cassey - happy happy new year my dear!

Secret said...

I'm sure it is quite pretty, but between Essex, Chav's, bar fights and some other things my sister has been telling me (which I fail to remember right now due to having only 4 hours of sleep - Cape Town heat will do that to you :P), it doesn't sound nearly as magical as I thought it might be. Nevertheless, I will see for myself sometime. :)