Friday, March 04, 2011

tory vs labour


So. I'm trying to Tory-fy myself.

Before you bark, 'How do you do, Maggie Thatcher!' hear me out.

I don't know enough about British politics to really choose a side. All I can really comment on is how each side - Labour and Conservative/Tory - view skilled migrant workers.

Loosely, Tories are meant to hate me. Why? I live in Britain, am working in a 'high-skilled' job, and am not British. They don't like me. I find this annoying.

I pay taxes, I work hard. I cannot claim any benefits. I am contributing to the [frankly, shoddy] economy. In fact, one of the projects I'm doing is about helping small British businesses make more money.

You have to be born into Torydom.

The Labour government, on the other hand, doesn't mind me. Although, they have been blamed for helping fuck up the economy here and feeding the youth delinquency with too many child benefits. They also 'opened up the gates to immigration.' However I've always liked socialism, and the fact that it gives poorer people opportunities.

You don't need to be a certain breed to be Labour. You're simply pro-working class, and pro-migration.

So, as I see it, or least understand it, I'm pro-Labour. To me, I believe I've chosen a lesser of two evils.

But back to Toryfying myself.

I figure if, in certain business situations, it may benefit me to be Tory. For example, doing business with the Telegraph, aka Torygraph, it may benefit me to, say, pretend I'm a posh trustafarian from Hertfordshire.

So. It's a work in progress, but I plan to beat the 'Pro-Only-British' conservatives at their own game, by doing the following in the appropriate situation:

1) Wearing my family crest signet ring on my little finger
2) Drinking gin Bombay Sapphire
3) Saying 'lavatory' not 'shitter'
4) Referring to places only by their old colonial names like Bombay, Rhodesia, Lourenco Marques, 'The Congo,' Bechuanaland.
5) Saying 'uz' instead of 'us.'

But above all, and most importantly, I'll double-barrel my surname.

Peas On Toast-Fairfax.

I thought it had a nice Tory ring to it, so I've added Fairfax to the end of my name. In dire circumstances, I will change my first name to Hortensia, and my postcode to SW1.

Watch out Conservatives, I'm a Labour supporter undercover.

The bad news is my etiquette training has thus far been reported as such:

(Welsh colleague tweeting): My Saffa colleague Peas On Toast: "I'm on a mission to be more classy" [2 mins later] "Dude, pass me some of that leftover pork fat on your plate" #classfail

Frankly, I think I'm making progress.

2 comments:

churchaholic said...

Point 3] Loo not lavatory.

Peter said...

I'm pretty sure it was under the labour government that your initial application for a Work Permit/HSMV would have been denied.

Especially under the auspices of John Reid or Jacqui "Flip-Flop" Smith.

This was more a case of shutting the stable door after all the immigration horses had come bolting in though.

Nowadays both parties seem to stand for pretty much the same thing with their leanings just being either side of the middle.

I reckon Simon Cowell could do an X-Factor political style and get more people to vote.