Monday, April 04, 2011


Unsurprisingly, the Dove didn't fall for my 'I'm moving to Guam' bullshit, and the colleague didn't want to adopt a kangaroo my on behalf either.

This really didn't matter. I had a hearty whale of a time creating the aforementioned bullshit especially for their prospective inboxes.

So I went through Staines this weekend.

Staines is known for two things.

1) being the fictional home of Ali G;
2) being the biggest shithole west of London.

So you can imagine how keen I was to spend 3 hours waiting for the next train down to Bournemouth to join my boyfriend over the weekend.

This is Staines, the pop culture version:

This is Staines, the real version:

In all seriousness, I thought, "I'll wander around and find an Ali G memorial."

Jumped onto the train, fresh out of southwest London, and got off, wearing a red polka dot summer dress (this is important) and double-breasted blazer (even more important), and navy neckerchief (probably the most important thing in this entire story), to this:

The only thing around was a highway and five tyre shops.

I walked down the street in search of something, anything, and was accosted verbally by a group of 12 year olds in lumo shell suits and waterfall mullets.

Something about my blazer and neckerchief didn't quite fit into the local scene. Must try better next time.

I was pretty much convinced after 5 minutes of walking that this, was on the scale of Shit-as-Scunthorpe on a wet day, when I turned a corner to find this:

What could that be, in this hiatus of hell? Why, a blerrie Saffa winkel.

And even better still, it sold fuckloads of wine.

To set the context right: I haven't seen a bottle of Diemersfontein since I stepped foot on this island 10 months ago. That's a long time to be thirsty for, sistah.

And hark! In the middle of Staines, El Sheethole Del Mundo, was a dude called Ross who sold gallons of the stuff.

I bought three bottles. I found Diemersfontein in Staines.

And threw in a bottle of Mrs Balls for good measure.

Howzat hey.


po said...

Cool story, man. Staines sounds like many places I have been lucky to visit in the UK. Stevenage. Dover gave me the creeps. Even Portsmouth town centre was a bit weird. Margate. Rhyll. I could go on. I will give Staines a miss :)

Flarkit said...

Booyaka! Yo! Dass woh ahm tawkin bout innit lov?
Iz you gon be visting Staines inna future for yer Diemers fix then?

Vannessa said...

When I tried to click on your Staines link the filter we have set up at work returned this message: This Websense category is filtered: Tasteless.
Lol, say no more!!

Peas on Toast said...

po = ah man, Stevenage! Po I saw that on a map[ once and wondered what that was about...a bit like Staines you say?!

Flarkit - m8, dat langwij your usin right there, is well funni, aaaight.

Vannessa - haha! seriously?! You have a firewall that describes the content!? I want one!! :)

Spear The Almighty said...

Awesome. I once found an old R 5 note (the one with van Riebeeck on it) at a money exchange in Sharjah Shoukh. I paid R 10 to buy it. :)

Peas on Toast said...

No ways Spear, how random! Love it :)