chairgate

Why so glum Peas? Am glad you asked.

I've been fighting with Holland.

Those Dutch bastards.

My beautiful Louis the Vth chairs were due to arrive today. From eBay. From Holland.

The dude from whom I bought the chairs, decided to send it via the cheaper cargo option and now the fucking chairs are sitting in Scotland.

I think. It's hard to tell. Since he can't speak English, and I can't speak Dutch. Or Afrikaans.

"Kyk. Ek will jou...moer. Ek soek my fokken meubels. Waar is my meubels, fokker? Het jy die stools afge..los?"

He sent a forty foot truck to the cul-de-sac on which my house stands. The driver told me he could drop my chairs on the side of another wide road, but it would be impossible for him to carry said chairs to my door.

Peas: How is this my problem?

Driver: Look, I am not permitted to carry the chairs from the road to your door.

Peas: So how does this solve the problem? I paid for fucking door to door shipping over here.

Driver: I dunno. Gonna have to turn around I'm afraid.

Last heard, my chairs are sitting in some depot in Shitkicker, Surrey.

And there they sit, because he's not answering his phone and the gay queen at the shipping company refuses to pay for the chairs to be delivered in a normal van.

"He can't touch the boxes, I'm afraid. Insurance and all. So even if he were to drop them off in a street, you'd have to carry them to your front door yourself."

So I've just pissed 600 pounds down the drain, because some FUCKER in Holland didn't get my chairs delivered properly and they're sitting in a depot I can't get to.

Only one thing left to do. I called my friend in Amsterdam. Who pretended he was the Dutch Mafia and said something along the lines of, "I know where you live and I will shamsh your kneecapsh if you don't get her chairsh delivered." In Dutch.

Now that he thinks he's sold two chairs to a woman who has connections in the underworld, hopefully he'll fucking pull his finger out and deliver my chairs.

I wait. And seethe.