Thursday, June 02, 2011


What goes through a smoker's mind when they're ex-smokers.

Just in case you don't understand.

Oh's 6pm! I can go home now....FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE ON MY NEW BALCONY...Oh wait, I can't do that. Is there any point of being excited about going home at all? There's paint and cupboard detritus everywhere. Luckily I can...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE ON THE FLOOR SURROUNDED BY CUPBOARD CRAP AND NOT CARING...oh wait I don't smoke.

Oh my GOD. How will I get through this phone call without throttling the person with my Fuck You vibes on the other end? Oh man, it ends in just minutes! Then I can go downst...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE OUTSIDE IN THE SUN WHERE ALL MY WORRIES WILL DISAPPEAR WITH THE FIRST PUFF...Oh wait, I can't do that anymore. I want to cry because I feel so depressed that there's nothing to look forward to.

Oh yay! I'm going to the pub with my mates tonight. I'm gonna drink 8000 cocktails and then jump my boyfriend....FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN A PUB, SURROUNDED BY HAPPY, LAUGHING PEOPLE, SMOKE IN ONE HAND, COSMO IN THE OTHER... Crap in a bag. How will I possibly enjoy myself without a cigarette? Going to the pub will suck! I can't let my hair down and just relax! I have to be on guard to watch that I don't smoke! How is that ANY fun? It's not. I'm not going.

OK so here I am. At the pub. It's not that bad. I have a drink, I'm coping, I'm even half enjoying myself...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE WHEN THE FUCKBAG NEXT TO ME LIGHTS UP... Oh Jesus Christ, why is HE allowed to smoke? He looks fine, look how fucking happy he is. How smug. He doesn't care, and surely if it's OK that he smokes, then I can? I can't handle this, I'm going home.

OK so I'm still here. How I've survived a whole evening drinking and not smoking, I dunno. It's been excruciating. FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE ONCE I GET HOME. LIKE A TREAT AFTER A LONG TRAIN JOURNEY IN A NON-SMOKING TRAIN. Oh wait, when I get home I have NO treat to look forward to. Maybe a cup of tea. Who the fuck wants tea when you can have a smoke?

Oooh I can't wait to go to [insert awesome destination here]!... FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN [INSERT DESTINATION]...Oh wait. I can't. Fuck it, why even bother to go?

I can survive this, I am strong. I know how smoking works, I know what it does... FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN THE SNOW/OUTSIDE IN THE FREEZING wasn't THAT cold was it?

Had a huge fight with my boyfriend/mother/mate/boss. There is steam emitting from my ears, I need a cigarette, I need one right now or I will surely die. The vein pulsating in my head will explode if I don't smoke...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE AND CALMING DOWN INSTANTLY. SMOKING ENCOURAGES PEACE AND UNITY! THE UNITED NATIONS SHOULD HAND THIS SHIT OUT IN THE MIDDLE EAST!...I can't smoke. Oh my God. What will I do with this rage that burns inside me? I will need to break something. And it will be expensive and dramatic. Like the vase in the Panache ad back home.

Oh cruel world, what will I do? I'd better do something. Because I'm going to chew my lips off. I need oral gratification. I'd better head to the fridge, I mean craving nicotine kind of feels like I'm just hungry ALL. DAY. LONG. An endless pit of hunger feels so awesome when it's 24 hours a day. I'll just eat everything I see in sight.

I'm so bored. It would really be less boring if I had something to do with my fingers and my lips. At the same time....FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE AND LOOKING LIKE AUDREY HEPBURN IN 'BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S'....I might as well eat this entire wheel of camembert. Because I will die otherwise.

This coffee/wine would really taste so much better with a cig...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN A CAFE.

Oh look! That tree kinda reminds of a cigarette!...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE UNDER THE TREE...Oh. I fucking can't can I.

Other things a craving sort of feels like:

1) Endless hunger and thirst that never goes away. Trust me, I ate a whole tube of chocolate biscuits last night and still reckoned I could've sunk another pack immediately. The Brit had to HIDE the biscuits from me.

2) Like Chinese water torture. Drip...Drip...Drip on your head. All day. All night.

3) You salivate everytime you look at one. Like you'd salivate at a rump steak.

4) Like you're mourning the end of a relationship. It's gone, except it's NOT. When a relationship ends, it's over. Most of the time, what's done is done. Cigarettes though, it's never REALLY over is it.

You might've stopped dating them, but YOU CAN STILL BUY THEM AT THE FUCKING OFF LICENSE DOWN THE ROAD. It's not like the last shipment on Earth left you. They're still everywhere. Within your reach when the mourning gets a bit much - for only seven pounds a pack.

Sigh. Just sayin.


Flarkit said...

Would you really rather be a slave to a 5cm long piece of garbage which you paid a company for, to slowly poison you and dominate you so easily?

Wow. The tobacco companies truly have it easy: "Here, this will fark up your body in exchange for a short distraction from your daily stress. Now give us your money so that you can be a willing addict".

Apols for the vibe, Peas, but this hits close to home for me.

Kathleen said...

I love the post Peas:0 I promise it will get easier but every so often the want will come back. Sorry. Sadly nothing feels quite like it. How is the Brit doing with the whole quiting thing? My husband stopped smoking half way through a cigarette and has never touched one again. He says he finds the smell disgusting now. Thats one thing I have found is the smell of a lit smoke is still great but if I have one I cant stand the smell of my fingers for days no matter how much I scrub my hand. This little part of me says thats how I always used to smell to other people. Makes me feel better about quitting. Go buy yourself a great perfume and know that you no longer have that smell about you:)

Carla Wesley said...

I'm taking a medication called Champix to help me quit... It's a nicotine blocker, have 3 more days before I actually stop smoking, will let you know how it goes. For now the side effects are keeping life interesting, a bit like being on drugs really... hmmmm.

Secret said...

I have tried and successfully failed at quitting three times in the last year. Im still in denial, I still claim to be "social" smoker - WHAT THE EFF EVER!!!

But you are right on all the things you listed, life is so much better when you can smoke under the cigarette looking tree, on the balcony, to calm down, in the rain and snow. This is probably why I epically suck at quitting.

Charmskool said...

Oh Peas I feel your pain! I feel your pain because I quit smoking a couple of months ago and regularly fall off the wagon for a cig or two and then feel sooo bad I stop again. Nothing is as much fun, as relaxing, as satisfying, as time-consuming, as perfect as a cigarette. But cancer is so final and heart disease can really stuff up your week so I keep trying. But this anchovette on low GI toast I just ate for lunch would have been much better if I could have a cig after.....

Bailey Schneider said...

DUDE YOU KILL ME. I'm in hysterics... only because I've been there.
I promise. You will get through this. And feel amazing.
Think of amazing skin - less wrinkles my friend... no gross wrinkles around the mouth, no revolting old lady voice at the age of 40. Food that tastes even better than you imagined. Perfume that will last... the list is endless.

You can do this... besides...a craving only last 180 seconds. Seriously.
If you can't get through 180 seconds... you're a wimp.
That's what I told myself. Tough love.
It worked ;-)


Much love, Bailey from Vanilla Blonde

Maryanne Papanicolaou nee Beverley said...

Sterkte-You're worth it. Try popcorn - less calories and great oral satisfaction.

The Python said...

We've all been there (and return from time to time. Hang in there.

hansmeevis said...

3 months, then a year. That is what it takes. Then you wonder why the fuck you didn't do it earlier. Vasbyt chick, you good enough to do it.

Peas on Toast said...

Guys thank you ALL for your much needed, very encouraging comments.

Honestly, reading through these at the most excruciating points of the day has truly helped me stay motivated.

I think it may have even got me through the worst of it, and out the outside. There's no way I'm touching another cigarette ever again.

Thanks all of you, and for sharing your stories too. It makes me feel less alone.