Thursday, June 02, 2011
What goes through a smoker's mind when they're ex-smokers.
Just in case you don't understand.
Oh yay...it's 6pm! I can go home now....FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE ON MY NEW BALCONY...Oh wait, I can't do that. Is there any point of being excited about going home at all? There's paint and cupboard detritus everywhere. Luckily I can...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE ON THE FLOOR SURROUNDED BY CUPBOARD CRAP AND NOT CARING...oh wait I don't smoke.
Oh my GOD. How will I get through this phone call without throttling the person with my Fuck You vibes on the other end? Oh man, it ends in just minutes! Then I can go downst...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE OUTSIDE IN THE SUN WHERE ALL MY WORRIES WILL DISAPPEAR WITH THE FIRST PUFF...Oh wait, I can't do that anymore. I want to cry because I feel so depressed that there's nothing to look forward to.
Oh yay! I'm going to the pub with my mates tonight. I'm gonna drink 8000 cocktails and then jump my boyfriend....FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN A PUB, SURROUNDED BY HAPPY, LAUGHING PEOPLE, SMOKE IN ONE HAND, COSMO IN THE OTHER... Crap in a bag. How will I possibly enjoy myself without a cigarette? Going to the pub will suck! I can't let my hair down and just relax! I have to be on guard to watch that I don't smoke! How is that ANY fun? It's not. I'm not going.
OK so here I am. At the pub. It's not that bad. I have a drink, I'm coping, I'm even half enjoying myself...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE WHEN THE FUCKBAG NEXT TO ME LIGHTS UP... Oh Jesus Christ, why is HE allowed to smoke? He looks fine, look how fucking happy he is. How smug. He doesn't care, and surely if it's OK that he smokes, then I can? I can't handle this, I'm going home.
OK so I'm still here. How I've survived a whole evening drinking and not smoking, I dunno. It's been excruciating. FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE ONCE I GET HOME. LIKE A TREAT AFTER A LONG TRAIN JOURNEY IN A NON-SMOKING TRAIN. Oh wait, when I get home I have NO treat to look forward to. Maybe a cup of tea. Who the fuck wants tea when you can have a smoke?
Oooh I can't wait to go to [insert awesome destination here]!... FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN [INSERT DESTINATION]...Oh wait. I can't. Fuck it, why even bother to go?
I can survive this, I am strong. I know how smoking works, I know what it does... FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN THE SNOW/OUTSIDE IN THE FREEZING RAIN..it wasn't THAT cold was it?
Had a huge fight with my boyfriend/mother/mate/boss. There is steam emitting from my ears, I need a cigarette, I need one right now or I will surely die. The vein pulsating in my head will explode if I don't smoke...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE AND CALMING DOWN INSTANTLY. SMOKING ENCOURAGES PEACE AND UNITY! THE UNITED NATIONS SHOULD HAND THIS SHIT OUT IN THE MIDDLE EAST!...I can't smoke. Oh my God. What will I do with this rage that burns inside me? I will need to break something. And it will be expensive and dramatic. Like the vase in the Panache ad back home.
Ooh I'd love a ciga...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE RIGHT THAT SECOND. RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW... Oh cruel world, what will I do? I'd better do something. Because I'm going to chew my lips off. I need oral gratification. I'd better head to the fridge, I mean craving nicotine kind of feels like I'm just hungry ALL. DAY. LONG. An endless pit of hunger feels so awesome when it's 24 hours a day. I'll just eat everything I see in sight.
I'm so bored. It would really be less boring if I had something to do with my fingers and my lips. At the same time....FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE AND LOOKING LIKE AUDREY HEPBURN IN 'BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S'....I might as well eat this entire wheel of camembert. Because I will die otherwise.
This coffee/wine would really taste so much better with a cig...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE IN A CAFE.
Oh look! That tree kinda reminds of a cigarette!...FLASH MEMORY OF HAVING A SMOKE UNDER THE TREE...Oh. I fucking can't can I.
Other things a craving sort of feels like:
1) Endless hunger and thirst that never goes away. Trust me, I ate a whole tube of chocolate biscuits last night and still reckoned I could've sunk another pack immediately. The Brit had to HIDE the biscuits from me.
2) Like Chinese water torture. Drip...Drip...Drip on your head. All day. All night.
3) You salivate everytime you look at one. Like you'd salivate at a rump steak.
4) Like you're mourning the end of a relationship. It's gone, except it's NOT. When a relationship ends, it's over. Most of the time, what's done is done. Cigarettes though, it's never REALLY over is it.
You might've stopped dating them, but YOU CAN STILL BUY THEM AT THE FUCKING OFF LICENSE DOWN THE ROAD. It's not like the last shipment on Earth left you. They're still everywhere. Within your reach when the mourning gets a bit much - for only seven pounds a pack.
Sigh. Just sayin.