The one thing - out of about a thousand things - that puts me off from living in Australia, is the fact it's the poster boy of Nanny States.
And Australians live there. And it's nowhere near anywhere else in the world, except for New Zealand. (
Since I got tarnished by my ex-flatmate, who was the biggest douchetard on the planet, I have since met some lovely Aussies. So this doesn't apply to the nice ones.
Where was I. Oh. Australia and Nanny States.
Well, it so turns out that Britain's a good competitor in this fight. Australia is the champion of Nannyness, but the UK isn't far behind.
There's a piece of me that thinks, Ah finally! A little bit of order around the place!, coming from Africa where shit happens and people die.
But there's also a piece of me that goes, Are you fucking serious? THIS is an offense?
Look, the reason why the UK is such an 'advanced' and 'sophisticated' market, with the highest e-economy in the world, and one of the highest levels of eduction and living on Earth, is because they're fucking orderly.
People queue; people follow the bloody rules. Unless they are teenage delinquents - another post.
Too much rules following makes Britain a dull boy.
Just look at it's nerdy Commonwealth sister, Australia. Where you get, like, life imprisonment for being over the alcohol limit. As one example.
Here are a few scenarios:
The bicycle police. Pop quiz: Am I living in Germany or England?
Dude. I've been shat on for riding my bike on the wrong path. Out of the bushes, jump two coppers and stop me. Fuck. "Speeding fine?" I think. "Surely the fuck not."
No. Wrong path, and had to put on the thickest Afrikaans "Ag sorry Mister Officer I can laak to not know the rules of my baak yere" accent, to get out of a freaking fifty quid fine.
Don't they have a murder to attend to or something? Or a chav to convict? Or a ten year old to frisk for a knife? Why are there Bush Police?
Because without it, Britain would not be orderly.
Fuses in plugs
Until last night, I knew not what a fuse was for. Or what it really was, to be honest.
Until the Brit changed the plugs in my stuff and was like, "Babe why aren't their any fuses in your Saffa plugs?"
Dude. What's a fuse.
Apparently it's a 'safety mechanism' for a plug, for when it trips it doesn't trip the whole house.
South African plugs don't have these. And thus far, we've never needed them. But Brits cannot change a plug without them. Which, frankly, makes the whole plug changing process even more complex.
You have to now worry about which fuse you need. Because they come in different sizes.
I prefer the primitive plug vibe at home, thanks.
Health & Safety
Step foot into England for more than a week, and you'll hear the mortal words uttered: Health & Safety would have a field day if they saw that.
Health & Safety.
Every shop, work force, park, public toilet, basically anything involving a person - which is everything when you think about it - has to be passed by Health & Safety.
In all fairness, South Africa could do with a bit more Health & Safety and a little less chaos and corruption.
But Britain sucks the cock of Health & Safety. A bit like America. In case somebody sues. There's no other reason, as far as I'm concerned. Health & Safety has to ensure the step is fixed in case a child trips on it and sues the government.
Dude. I don't own a car here, but the Brit does. I drive enough to know that it's a bothersome experience. For one reason only. No one will cut in front of me, but I'll be fucked if I'm allowed to park anywhere.
In South Africa, you park somewhere and chances are, you won't get a ticket if you're quick enough. Or live in a random cul-de-sac that won't be noticed.
It's part of the fun of living in South Africa - can you get away with doing what you want? Probably, yes.
Here, the traffic cop will be on you like a bad rash, if you leave your car for 5 seconds.
Let's not even go into drunken driving, which I shall never condone, but you get what I'm saying.
The Brit reckons all these 'rules' come from America. I'm inclined to agree. America, sitting just across the pond, isn't that far away.
Britain fucking loves America. And Americans love Brits. They are brothers in arms, brothers in war, and they love each other's accents.
The UK and America aren't dissimilar in plenty of ways. Except maybe for Baptist evangelists from the deep south. And Americans don't eat crumpets.