dear margaret

I wasn't joking about kick starting my political career.

I have henceforth written to Margaret Thatcher, CC'ing She Who Hates Socialists, because she's threatened to CC me in an email to Phil Collins where she tells him about my pile.*

Dear Baroness Thatcher,

Thought I’d drop you a line, as you are impossible to get hold of.

I work in Belgravia; you live in Belgravia - coincidence? - so just short of knocking on your door, I have befriended a girl up in the legal department whose Dad is an active member of the Tory party. (Nouveau Tory, mind you* shudder* ). After all that she said she wouldn’t be able to introduce me to you first hand. She made some excuse about you getting a lot of bed rest and not wishing to be disturbed these days.

I saw evidence otherwise - you sitting on top of an armoured vehicle in a pair of safety goggles. (Please ref attachment), so you can’t really be in bed if you are at war with the socialists can you?

So let’s get down to business. I have a few very light requests, if you wouldn’t mind answering these. Fabulous handbag collection by the way. Mulberry?

So let’s kick off with the whole ‘Thatcher the milk snatcher’ thing, which has sadly armed the socialists with a - frankly - annoying rebuttal to any pro-Thatcher talk.

Who did your PR? If only I was alive at the time, I would’ve stepped in. Because had you said milk should only be fed to humans 6 months and under, and you’re doing this for HEALTH reasons and not budget reasons, it probably wouldn't have caused such a media circus.

The whole thing should’ve been positioned differently. Grown humans (ie those 6 months and older) shouldn’t be drinking milk anyway. It’s completely unnatural. We are the only species in the Kingdom animalia that drinks milk as grown ups. But the vegans loved you nevertheless. Which is very nice.

2) My friend SWHS also loves you by the way. She’s cc’ed. Hi SWHS!

3) Is it true that your late husband, Denis, is quoted as saying only this in the history of his life:

I don't know what reception I'm at, but for God's sake give me a gin and tonic.

He’s fantastic! I'd drop him a line himself, and almost did, when I momentarily forget that he is dead.

4) You grew up in Grantham. Is it nice in the summer?

5) Dude. The socialists attempted to assassinate you in Brighton. Frightful. Apparently he stuck a bomb under his bath tub, and - thank fuck - it only demolished your bathroom. You and Denis survived. As you would, because you are the Iron Fist! Yes you are!

6) Dude. You refused to visit South Africa until Nelson Mandela was set free. You even visited most of southern Africa during the time, but not us. You were also the only PM that didn’t sanction our asses, to keep that trade vein well and alive.

I think you were a big part of South Africa managing to recover economically from apartheid. And at the same time you never ever condoned it. Respect.

7) Do you like the soothing sounds of Phil Collins?

8) When I Google you, images of you shaking hands with Mikhael Gorbachev come up. Just thought I’d bring this to your attention.

9) Have you ever read The Guardian by mistake?

10) My constituency is Tory. (Wandsworth). I’m scared it might be Nouveau Tory. *shudder*. Nouveau Tory is just like the nouveau riche. Very, you know, David Cameron. How does one keep your idealism alive?

Holla me back. And word to your mother. I love you.

Peas O'Toast-Fairfax

Do you think she'll reply?

My other friend is writing to Rob Lowe. She can't find her email address. This little bit of comprehensive information told her why.

* Yes, I still sort of have one.