Yesterday, the Brit and I left London to head to Poole for his granny's funeral. I know how horrible it is to lose a grandparent, and came along to honour her life.
On the way back in the car I told him two things:
1) I want to run as a local MP; and
2) When I was 12, I had the hots for Phil Collins.
............
Since the riots, I've decided to launch myself a career in politics. Not having experience or a background in politics at all, isn't something I'm worried about.
Not being a British national, isn't deterring me either. Dude. I grew up in South Africa. Surely that gives me all the experience I need by default?
Where do I sign up?
Imagine. I'd rule my local area - Clapham - with an iron fist.
I'd be the Margaret Thatcher of my age. I'd bring back children getting a bloody good hiding when they misbehave.
And I'd arm the police with rubber bullets and tear gas for when people try to destroy public property.
Children who talk back to teacher's will be given a smack, and for all the little fuckers who don't know what boundaries are - community service motherfucker.
I wouldn't be popular, and yes, chances are the fuckers would try to bomb my house. Nevertheless, I'd bring order as it should fucking be, back to society.
Vote me in.
On Phil Collins. In the car yesterday, we were going through some of the gems on my iPod. Mainly because I was driving, so it was my turn to DJ the driving music.
Brit: Phil Collins. Really?
When I'm feeling blue...all I have to do...is take a look at you, then I'm not so blue
Peas: I used to wank over him when I was 12.
Brit: You want me to dress up like Phil Collins?
Peas: That's an incredible idea. YES. He's so fuckworthy.
Brit: With a comb back and tweed jacket? You're showing your age Peas.
Peas: He had this look of sheer wonton beautifulness on his face back in 1992.
Brit: You honestly found him hot?
Peas: Still do. Especially that comb back.
Would the real Slim Shady please stand up...please stand up..
Peas: Oh and here's another one I had a ginormous jones for.
Brit: I'm not that surprised to be honest.
Peas: Eminem was my wank picture when I was 23.
Brit: Phil Collins and Eminem. I'm not dressing up as both.
Peas: And why not?
Brit: Well I'm guessing if you wanted to be with those types of guys now...one that looks like a peadophile and the other a white rapper from Detroit...you'd be with one.
Peas: That's right.
Brit: I'm not over 50 or a wigga gangster.
Peas: I know. But you can dress up as one or the other I think. Let's start with Phil. He is a fucking hot old timer. I mean have you seen his 'But Seriously' album cover?
Brit: Only if you dress up like Jennifer Aniston in Horrible Bosses. And then talk like she does.
Peas: "I want you to slap my face with your dick?"
Brit: Yes.
Peas: Deal.
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