on it like a car bonnet

Dude. See that? See that right there? That's a graph, motherfucker..

Dude.

I've lost 7 kilos.

I'm now at my '10% goal,' which evidently means I've lost 10% of my total body weight.

Mate.
Check it out. I've been tracking it for weeks.

You can clearly see the week where I went to Venice. 'Italygate,' is the incline from too many [fucking tasty] carbonaras and wine.

I have 3 kilos left to lose, and apparently these are entirely optional. And idealistic.

I'm happy where I am now, but if I'm going to be honest, I want to be a skinny bitch.

I want to change my look. I want to remember what it's like to be skinny. Not scrawny, skinny.
Where I can wear whatever I want - a hessian sack? - and it still looks good.

Where people say, "Something's different, did you change your hair?"

No bru. I've changed my body shape.

And if I fluctuate from my goal weight of 58 kilos, a few kilos here or there, it won't be the end of the world.

One big obstacle in the way of getting there is going to America for a week.
Where portion sizes are larger than the state of Montana, and the food is so processed you could leave it under a car seat for 12 years and nothing would happen.

(That's a true story, by the way).

So the chances of consuming a fuckload of bacon and maple syrup is a strong reality. Especially in Silicone Valley - which is a great place if you're a computer nerd starting up your own .com, but it's generally an area filled with offices, takeaways and strip malls.

Oh well.

America here I come.