t- five kilos and counting

Was inspired yesterday by an email asking if I am battling with cancer, and is that why I am dieting.

Short answer, no. Long answer - some of my loved ones have or are battling with the disease. It's all too prevalent in this day and age of processed bullshit we eat, so yes, as it runs in my family, and now that I am in my 30s, I have changed the way I eat.

I have lost 5 kilos.

It's taken 10 weeks, but that's fine. I've still lost half my Heathrow Injection. I am almost there.

I see my twenties - years gone by - as a golden age of amazingness. Where I enjoyed every cigarette I smoked, I drank tequila, and I ate KFC burgers without thinking twice about anything. My twenties were a youth well spent.

I wouldn't have had it any other way. I fucking miss those days, when your body could bounce back from almost anything. When a hangover lasted one hour. Kind of thing.

In order to feel like I am still young and youthful however, I've had to do things.
1) change my attitude
2) go on a diet

So. I stopped smoking. And I stopped eating crap.

This wasn't an overnight transformation, you understand. I first tried Atkins, where I ate bacon and cheese - and only bacon and cheese - for two months and probably almost gave myself a coronary. In fact, it's a small wonder that I didn't have a fucking heart attack.

Atkins is a bullshit diet. It's not healthy, it damages your body. So don't waste your time, FYI.

Then I started doing some reading. I read up on diets that fix and heal your body. That make you lose weight naturally. That encourage healthy fuckin'sustainable living.

I read up on basic nutrition. I studied it, threw myself into it. Then came back with some golden rules.

Before I tell you what they are, let me point out one thing that's become very obvious.

Food is like religion. The moment you try and inflict your rules on someone, they get uptight.

When my mother nagged me in the past, I ate another pie. Telling people stuff they don't want to hear makes them rebel and make love to a bath full of KFC Pops.

So never preach about your diet; answer questions when asked.

For those who are interested in how I eat and these days, this is what I do. Based on two principles. 1) Science; and 2) Science.

I am actively trying to avoid getting cancer
This means I try and eat foods that are alkaline. Our bodies are meant to be alkaline. Most shitty food out there is acid. Cancer thrives in acidic environments.

Meat is acidic, dairy is acidic (and creates mucous which is also cancer causing), sugar and coffee, all acidic. Bread = acidic.
I try and keep acidic foods to a minimum, and balance it out with eating more alkaline stuff.

Green tea - all day long - potatoes, fruits, veg.

Acidic foods make you fat
When acidic foods enter your system, fat cells are produced to try and counter-balance it. So this is why bread and sugar make you fat.

The acidic/alkaline diet is followed by the likes of Kirsten Dunst and Gywneth Paltrow.
Citrus fruit isn't acidic. It's actually alkaline.

I eat smaller portions
Dude. I won't eat a whole piece of cake. I'll eat half a piece of cake. So I get the taste and stop the craving. I'll eat bad stuff. But in half the quantities I used to. I'm human. I need to taste cake and shit.

I have endometriosis
Hormones and other shit found in dairy and meat are bad for my condition. I have cut out most dairy.
There are antibiotics, hormones, adrenaline, all sorts of shit in meat and dairy. Most people can eat it and have a great life; I can't.

This has meant that I cannot eat cheese. I live and die by cheese. But cheese is fucking fattening and it makes me double over in pain and cause the worst fucking cramps at that time of the month. Like you won't believe.

Since I cut out dairy, I lost weight and I can function when Aunt Rosie comes to stay.

Not to say I never eat cheese or ice cream. I do. I'd die without a piece of Camembert every now and then. But it's once a week. And it's always organic.

I eat a fuckload of fruit and vegetables
I've come up with some tasty ways to prepare it - usually in the form of soup. I get my calcium from broccoli. I get my iron from spinach.

Look. It's fairly simple. When shit is processed, it's bad. People also do bad things to animals.

My diet is 70% vegan. I save the other 30% for times when I need a pie, a brie smothered on a piece of warm bread.
Or smash a hamburger, like I did on the weekend.

And now? I can fit into my jeans. And have more energy than I ever had. I used to need nine hours of sleep a night.

Dude. I can now function on seven. Margaret Thatcher functioned on five a night. I'm guessing this was her secret.