Tuesday, October 25, 2011
i didn't get eaten by communists
Comrades, I'm alive.
I drove 1800 kilometres across 4 countries, in the Eastern Bloc, with my mother, a killer playlist, in a red Skoda, for 9 days.
And I'm fucking alive.
Sure, Goulashgate did nothing for my thighs, but then when your choices of food are dumplings or stew, one must do the best they can to survive.
By the way, this is the Skoda. The red one on the right. I gotta say, I got quite attached. I miss the little bastard. Skoda's are made by VW now, so he's all red and shiny.
My favourite country on the trip
Poland. No one goes on holiday to freaking Poland. Let's be honest. People go to Spain. And Greece. (Before the Eurozone teetered on the brink of collapse). I found Poland extremely interesting. It's both painfully beautiful and sinfully ugly. Its past is fraught with shit. It's for these reasons I give it the top drawer prize.
My mother's favourite country on the trip
Was Czech. The Czech Republic's scenery is the most beautiful. Rolling hills and forests, dotted with little towns, onion-domed churches. Czech people dress like they're going on a run, though. It has to be said that the Communist years of polyester still significantly influences their style. The French need to move in.
The country we got most scared in
Poland. We got stopped by a couple of ex-Communistic cops on a mountain pass who no speaky any English, whatsofuckingever. They disappeared with both our passports, my driver's licence and car papers for half an hour.
Half an hour in Poland without your passport is A. Fucking. Long. Time.
When Mum investigated, they were punching in all our details into this giant screen in their cop car.
Auschwitz is also in Poland. That was scary for its boundless reasons, but for me, the most terrifying aspect of the death camp was walking through the gas chamber.
And witnessing piles and piles of human hair.
We also got very scared in rural Slovakia. When we almost ran out of petrol because "someone" forgot to check the fuel light.
No gas station for miles and miles, and just freeway and forest. Tense times.
The country with the most beautiful city
Unanimously, we agreed that we preferred Budapest to Prague. And no, they're nothing alike. At all. Even though we were told they were.
Budapest has less tourists and is more spread out. Prague is like central London in some places. They're both beautiful and worth a visit.
You haven't lived until
...you've crossed a five lane road on two wheels in a Trabant 601 in Poland.
....eaten a bowl of soup that looks like blood.
... gone through a town in Slovakia called Poznamcock. We had tea in the 'Cock. I think. She didn't speak English either. Not even 'hi' and 'bye.'
....You only hear that Gaddafi died three days after the fact.
...you've drunk Budweiser from the source motherfucker. Budweiser, like Guinness, is not American dude. It's from Budvar, Czech Republic. And it tastes 8000 times nicer here. Not like the cat's piss one finds in, say, Indianapolis.
...when you've had to talk to someone using Google Translate on a laptop so that you can communicate. Again, in the small towns, don't assume anyone even knows what the word 'hi' means.
...trying to explain to a waiter what 'water' is. No. She had never heard of water. At least not in English.
...Been to a club in Hungary with a local friend (I have an Hungarian friend who lives in Budapest)...with my Mum.
One must watch local TV in order to gain insight into a nation
In Nowhereville, Hungary:
Peas: Mum, one must watch local TV in order to gain insight into a nation. Let's turn this thing on.
[flicks on TV and picture of woman dressed as a French maid being taken from behind by a giant, throbbing cock].
Mum: Oh god oh god
Peas: Oh god oh fuck, turn around don't look, oh my God
Insight into Hungary? Porn.
Ironically, Hungary is known to be the largest consumer of porn in Europe.
I'll share the highlights of my trip in photo format
I'll try to make it a little bit interesting.