dude it's the london elections

Dude, it's the London elections.

Dominating news agenda and political hour at drink-o-clock.

I'm allowed to vote. Literally.  Jesus jousting in New Jersey,* I am chuffed. I'm not allowed to do a lot of stuff in this place, but I can cast a vote for the mayor in the city in which I reside.

So, obvs, I'll be voting for BoJo, that goes without saying. Boris is a member of the Conservative Party and for the second time, sets out a fine set of plans for my city. Given he's the Mayor now, this does make his term that much more precarious, but he really has stuck to all his promises.

I've seen his Nine Point Plan for London, (there were multiple stuffed through the post box) and all of his stuff looks sound.

He got rid of those hideous bendy buses. (Actually not that important, just vulgar to look at)
He froze council tax. And then cut it across the whole of London. (Very important.)
He improved delays and transport infrastructure across the city in general. (Very important)

Voting for London's mayor was an easy choice for me. Then I got a letter in the post yesterday with an entire book about each other candidate. This I hadn't seen.

Now imagine, for a second, that Boris wasn't running for Mayor again. We. Will. All. Die.
Why? All the other mayoral candidates are either raving socialists or ultra right wing neo-Nazis.

(Or Lib Dem. So centrist that they don't stand for anything. Anything at all, except stand up for not standing up for anything.)

Basically, Boris had better win or London's fucked.

Him and Ken Livingston from the Labour Party - oh dear God - are neck and neck. It's really just Boris versus Ken. Except on the ballot sheet, you get a second choice.

Won't be filling that in. Here's why.
For those of you that don't reside in London, this would be your choice if you did live here:

Boris Johnson (Conservative Party): Centre-right. Sound, great hair, economy and enterprise-focused, kept his promises.

Some guy, (UKIP/UK Independent party): Right wing, bordering on offensive. They use the words 'Europe' and 'strangle' in the same sentence.

Italian guy, big fascist smile (British National Party) Extreme right wing, Hitleresque. Until 2010, anyone who was not ethnically pure British couldn't vote for the BNP. The quotes on the leaflet from supporting citizens was what interested me though.

Reverend Stanley Shadwell, Lambeth: "The British National Party is amazing. They support the fundamentals of Christianity, which is threatened by the scourge of Islam."

Dave Smith, cab driver, High Barnet: "Only British people should be recognised in Britain. I only carry British people in my cab, for one."

Hippie woman in hemp shirt, (Green Party): Wants to grow Amazonian forest over London's highways, everyone needs to eat tofu, wear natural fibres.

Ken Livingston (Labour Party): Left. Socialist alert! Socialist alert! Where is my socialist retardant suit? My eyes my eyes! Soft lefties who disapprove of the terms 'spaz', 'retard', 'black,' 'white.' Created political correctness, benefit enablers (give housing and benefits to people who take advantage of the system), create 'the system', empower unions, strikes.

Ken Livingston says he will resign by October if he doesn't keep his promises this time. He's run in office four times. Each year his council tax is higher and higher.
 If he wins, will consider moving to Wales.

Siobhan Benita, (No party). Prides herself on being politically independent. Stands for herself. FAIL.

Some guy, (Liberal Democrats). See above about Lib Dems.

So there you have it. If Boris wasn't running, you'd all be in a lot of trouble. He's basically going to save you from sure death. If a socialist doesn't fuck you over, a right wing Europe-hater will. Best you remember that when you sign your ballot paper on 3 May.**

*I was going to say "Jesus jizzing in new Jersey." Even sanity-checked it via the Dove, who is the only person who would find my turn of phrase funny, not offensive. She suggested "Moses masturbating in Manhattan."


**Not certain who I am suddenly addressing. Hello London?