Tuesday, July 31, 2012

emo dog

Oh God.

I'm on the pill. It's been about four days now, and about four days of tears in equal measure.

The thing has sucked the life out of me, and I am feeling flatter than a pancake that's been reversed and re-reversed over with a steamroller one thousand times.
It's not only the pill, although it sure hasn't helped, but I have been missing my aunt so much recently. It's like the numbness of her death has started to thaw. Six months later.

Tons of negative thoughts about myself have surfaced - they've probably been sitting there dormant for months anyway - how crap I am at everything, and how crap I actually am, in general. I am hoping even if this is true, this settles after a few weeks.

A few things have really started to make themselves known too. Suddenly family news isn't quite making its full way up to London anymore. My cousin is eight months pregnant, about to spawn a child practically, and I only found this out this information a few weeks ago via a social network.
A few new deaths have occurred to family members (old age this time) and I never knew about these either. With my aunt gone, it's like all family stuff from my father's side of the family just heads out into the ether like a mist. And never quite reaches me.
I'm not that bothered, really, it's not like we're all close or anything. I just feel quite cut off. My aunt was the connection between me and the rest of the family. She was also someone I visited every week and had heart to hearts with. I really miss that. She was like my big sister. I miss her terribly.

And today is her birthday. Oh my God. Today is her birthday.

I miss my best friends. The people I really don't mind opening up to, the people who know me well enough and still manage to love me somehow. Work friends are work friends. Friends that you make and talk to mostly between 9 and 6pm. The few Saffa mates I have here are at very different stages of life to me, or aren't planning to stay here forever. My question is - should I really invest in any of these friendships? I'm a really good loner. I'm used to handling stuff on my own, mainly, anyway. Until I get lonely. Which I feel now. I feel alone even with people around me; because I'm finding it hard to connect with people I really want to connect with.

My Brit is being endlessly patient with me during all of this emotional duress. Fuck. Poor guy. I do wonder what he sees in me, especially now.

On top of it all, I am also thoroughly burnt out at work.I felt so depressed on Sunday, I didn't manage to get off the couch to go and watch Olympic hockey.

So, a bit of a loser at the moment. A bit flat.

PS: Olympic opening ceremony was nice. Took photos and stuff.

PPS: They're on Instagram. I joined and love it. It's a brief reprieve from the shittiness. Way less boring (and arrogant?) than the endless feed of babies and other very boring pictures and updates as seen in Facebook. This place actually features some beautiful, interesting and varied photos from everywhere, and which cleverly document people's lives. It's totally my new favourite thing. If you're interested in seeing very mediocre photos, you can follow me on peasontoast.


Unknown said...

Hi Peas,
This book helped me so much and remains my reference book - various options with the pill. Be patient it takes time to find your groove.
"Screaming to be heard" by Dr. Elizabeth L. Vliet
Hang in there,

Lady Leather said...

Sorry you're feeling so crap Peas. Hope you're doing better now!
Just wanted to say, that if you love Instagram, then you should check out www.stickygram.com - they print your instagram pics onto fridge magnets! They're a London based company, but they shipped for free all the way to South Africa for me. Pretty sweet.
Anyhows, Hope you're feeling better!