Friday, November 09, 2012
critical mass questions
...meanwhile, back in London, and in real life, not in the swirling mist that makes up my imagination, there are a few things that have gone down here which are worthy of mention. But need some advice on desperately.
Firstly, you may remember that we live next door to someone who has Tourettes (true story). Obviously didn't know this before we invested in a property in London, and while it might be "time to think about putting our house on the market, honey," he lends a colourful, if not frightening, dimension to the building.
Anyway, it gets worse. Our shower exploded (oh, and so did the washing machine. And my iPod smashed. And the Brit had to pay tax in. Basically been raped moneywise at a time when we are meant to be saving for a fucking wedding), so we had a plumber come in and fix it.
Our neighbour cornered the plumber apparently, asking him to look at his kitchen tap. Plumber entered his house, only to emerge pale and stammering, after viewing what could only be loosely described as Satan's getaway London pad when he's not chilling in Hell HQ.
There was shit - literally shit - everywhere. Human effluent on some of the walls, piles of newspapers, rubbish. A scene from a horror film. He's a hoarder, pathologically collecting items.
While this is shocking and horrible, we are now faced with a moral dilemma. Do we alert the council? So that he can get the help he needs? Or will he know it's us and get really defensive and turn on us? (He swears at his door continually, and it's mostly obscene and scary.) I have no doubt he's desperately lonely, and yet comes across as someone who is generally sound when he's not screaming 'Cunt!' at his door. We've had perfectly normal conversations with him in passing.
What do we do. Report it? Mind our own business?
Secondly, I'm starting to finally enjoy organising our wedding.
That may or may not have something to do with the fact that we've found someone to marry us, and have a more solid idea of how it's going to look. It does feel like every corner we turn, we're bleeding cashola - paying deposits here, getting quotes there, wandering how we will pay for this, seemingly making life lasting decisions. ("Who remembers flowers anyway? Surely we should hire a jumping castle instead? That would be way more fun.")
So my questions are, as the critical mass of the Internet, who have attended a wedding or two in your lives, a short poll below. If you don't wish to leave a public comment, please do drop me a line at email@example.com:
1) Have you ever been to a wedding where you remember the flower arrangements on the tables? If you remember, what did they look like?
2) Think of the best wedding you've ever been to. What three factors made it the best?
3) Think of a memorably bad wedding you went to. (And then tell me their names so I can look them up on Facebook.)* What made it average?
4) Is it more important to have great food or great music? (If you had a choice)
5) Should the guy get a manicure? (Seriously. As seen on Mad Men, and the fingers of a guy here who just got married.)**
Then lastly, it's cold outside, it's been a long week, and I can't wait to head home to watch movies, have a glass of wine and snuggle on the couch. There are no questions here, this is done. And I can't wait.
** Completely joking about the last question.