Wednesday, November 07, 2012

The Diktionary of Dayde

We're battling to let go of Dayde, now that the story is finished everyone died.
So we have come up with an exhaustive list that make Dayde and his buddies the affable characters they are.

While many of these items pertain to our lives, it's important to remember that to be Dayde or Carvayne or Waydene, you need to apply every. single. one of these items to your life. For example, it's no good owning a QASHQAI if you don't own a jet-ski you can trail behind it.
It's no good having a cupboard full of three quarter pants and moonbags if you wear tailored blazers.

For example, you may listen to 90s techno compilations like Bump!, own a Big 5 tea towel and once had a moonbag which you insisted was a "money belt" but was actually a moonbag, but everything else is worthy of mention in a Conde Nast publication.

You get what I'm saying. It's all or nothing. No half measures.

I'm sure most of you will be offended, so if it's any consolation, at one time in my life, I've owned at least 20 of the listed items below, now and in the past.

Dayde and his buddies are a specific type of stereotype. It's not what they say, it's about what they buy. They're fiercely aspirational. They work hard; and they spend hard.

Dayde rose from the ashes of a dead-end Lexmark printer sales job to invent and globalise a new brand of shoe with his buddies.
He cares about doing well in life; and spending lots of money to show their buddies that they've made it.

So if - like us - you want to be "DAYDE FOR A DAY" - you'll need to get everything on this list:
  • Ed Hardy fashion
  • Baby names that display wealth and prosperity: Abercrombie , Mercedes, Dymond 
  • Names spelt oddly to sound unique: Ba-a (Said "ba-dash-a"*), Mylynda, Dayde 
  • Names that add father + mother together: Garyn (Gary + Taryn), Cleopedro, Chandre, Wayzette. 
  • Favourite movie is Avatar in 3D
  • Cruise holidays
  • Furniture you can buy on credit at 18 months interest free
  • The empty bottle of real champagne (Moet or Veuve) on the kitchen shelf
  • Three quarter pants
  • Montecasino. Hangs out here as much as possible. Once a week on average.
  • Summercon complex housing, that is safari-themed and painted ‘earthen’ colours like terracotta. With names like ‘Shamwari Sunset’ or like Dayde’s house, 'Zingara Sands.'
  • Cars that fit lots of people inside them. SUVs or 'crossovers' Never used offroad. Think QASHQAI, TOUAREG, AVENSIS, CONDOR.
  • Head bands for their babies
  • Drinks Energade
  • Chews gum most times than doesn't chew gum
  • Compilation music - often redubbed, remixed commercial hits that are put on Ministry of Sound CDs, cover albums. LOVE a cover album.
  • Compilation 90s techno music - Gatecrasher, Bump!, the ESP Collection [guilty as charged...]
  • Had first sexual experience in the back of a purple/aquamarine Opel Corsa in the grounds of [insert high school name here]
  • Hoddogs. (Hot dogs. But they say hoddogs and feed their children these at least 50% of mealtimes)
  • Collection of ultimate corporate gifts. Steel business card holders embossed with company logo, cooler boxes, glasses with company watermark, t-shirt/hoodie/beanie. Shows that they have prestigious connections and friends 'in high places'.
  • At least one pant suit from Truworths. Pinstripe. 
  • SA rugby jersey. Would wear everyday if they could. Worn on Casual Friday in the office, when watching sport on TV,  rugby tour with the guys, package holidays to Thailand and/or with work buddies to watch the Tri-Nations live in Australia or New Zealand. 
  • A bar in the home. In the corner of the lounge, made with wood and varnished in a natural colour. Various posters on the wall of the bar saying things like “Beer! Helping Women Be Less Frigid Since 1859!” and other posters around golf jokes or nagging wives.
  • Owning a Blue Bull horns hat, which is stored on display in the domestic bar area in between times it is used as fan-wear for games (watched live or on TV)
  • Car bumper sticker: "My Other Car’s a Porsche," and variations of the Baby On Board sign. "Future Bad Boy In Transit."
  •  Uggs
  • Fifty Shades of Grey die-hard enthusiast. Reads it in public. And all the sequels.
  • Amish-style signs in the kitchen saying “I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.” 
  • Fridge magnets. Ever-increasing. Ever-present.
  • White appliances they never use after the first try. Breadmaker, juicer/smoothie maker, electric casserole dish, fondue set.
  • Plug-in/battery operated photo frames with rotating digital photo presentations.
  • Wall units that covers entirety of wall, centre piece is 70 inch plasma TV. Some with glass doors to show DVD collection.
  • At least one CD rack - 6 foot tall ones in varying wood/wrought iron/turnable, etc.
  • At least one caravan
  • Book of horoscope predictions for the year
  • Big 5 memorabilia - clock, tea towel, wall canvas/print, oven gloves
  • Dolphins - anything dolphin. Tattoo, stickers on sliding doors, statue or mosaic at bottom of pool, stained glass dolphins. If the dolphin exists outside of Sea World, it applies.
  • Velour tracksuit with 'Juicy Couture' emblazoned across the ass
  • Winning the lottery and immediately spending it all.
  • Swinging half-doors between a kitchen and an adjoining room ‘tavern style’
  • Fish tank/aquarium in the lounge
  • Wraparound Oakleys, polarised
  • Floor standing black wrought iron candle holder, with multiple 'branches', holding ball candles
  • At least one dream catcher
  • Guess clothing - the brand logo is very visible on all items
  • Venetian blinds
  • 8000 key rings for one key
  • Water features. Inside and outside
  • Gem trees 
  • Garden ceramics. Not gnomes, but frogs, animals, various creatures 
  • Coca Cola memorabilia
  • Collection of bar towels and/or coasters 
  • Tuppaware. Everywhere.
  • Wedding photo: red rose in Dwayde's mouth, perched on a Harley
  • Personalised number plates: ' SCHWEET GP', FOXY WP. Goes without saying.
  • Porcelain doll collection
  • Framed descriptions of the meaning of their names
  • Guinea Fowl miniatures
  • Doves on the wall at the front door carrying a sign that says 'peace' in their beaks
  • Massive stack of Madam & Eve cartoons in the bathroom, and at the bottom of the pile a bunch of Sports Illustrated Swimwear editions
  • A ball and chain and a long blond wig hanging in the bar, from his bachelor's, and next to them a Playboy bunny costume and pink devil horns from her hen party
  • A miniature strobe light-turned-fridge magnet branded by Avastar
  • Fabric runners down the centre of the coffee table /bookshelf
  • A jar of potpourri in the guest loo
  • Grecian-style pillar pedestals. With sheets of glass for coffee table, or used to display a bustier/statue
  • Sponge-dabbed walls, for mottled effect
  • Into pageanting. Beauty pageants, either running them or having their children in them
  • Using glitter glue pen to make earrings on earlobes of their children
  • The entire Harry Potter collection, shelved, using the Dewey Library system, in prime spot next to the plasma TV on the wall
  • A handbag made from a single zip
  • Stained glass table lamps (borderline)
  • A Venterwaentjie (a Venter trailer)
  • A pinup of David Kramer in the garage when he was the posterboy for the Caravelle ads (his skinniest and hottest)
  • A postbox that is a giant golf ball sitting on a golf tee/a dice
  • Personalised mugs - 'World's best wife', 'World's best coffee maker', 'World's best blow-job giver,' 'Don't speak to me until I've had my coffee' - Garfield pictures on the mugs.
  • Books: The Secret. The Bible. SA Man's Guide to Braaing. Home Freezing At It's Best, Be Bold With Bananas.
  • The biggest braai utensil collection that Builder's Warehouse offers.
  • Miniature Zen garden
  • Cooking apron with outline of breasts and plastic nipples.
  • Verimark gym equipment (like the OrbWalker 3000) in the lounge, used once
  • Old Spice
  • Lots of speakers in the living area - sometimes used as centrepieces/tables, with runners on them for effect - lots of cables/cords, but speaker/amplifier is centrepiece and surround sound is very evident
  • Doilys - lace crocheted table runners, also used over the back of chairs
  • Iron gecko used as wall lamp shade, with coloured glass eyes
  • Royal Wedding collection - in glass door cabinet - thimbles, spoons, cups, tureens, with pictures of Di/Charles, Fergie/Andrew, Kate/William
  • Tall velour top hat emblazoned with SA flag/Guinness glass
  • Towels that come with hoodies for children
  • Mobile foot spa machine, bubbling away while she watches Days Of Our Lives 
  • Squeezie tube polony for the kids lunch boxes
  • Gender-specific toothbrushes and body wash
  • Three games of 30 Seconds - the other two are missing cards.
  • An entire cupboard full of mismatched shot glasses
  • A book full of drinking game instructions
  • Collection of lighters - including one with a Ferrari on it, and one with a half naked blond with massive tits reclined on a Harley 
  • Valu-pack of pastel hair scrunchies
  • Framed certificates - i.e. Garyn's judo achievements. Shaytyn's baking proficiency.
  • Ice sculptures at weddings - preferably swans that make a heart shape with their necks
  • Knitted loo roll holder and matching toilet seat cover and mat.

*I've actually come across someone called Ba-a. Ba-dash-a. 


Anonymous said...

Don't forget, his car must be BLACK, especially in a hot climate where the ALBEDO for the sun reaches an almost perfect 1.0 and you can braai/BBQ on the bonnet, and the poor air-con doesn't know what hit it. Ill disciplined drivers up your backside, changing lanes, parking at crazy angles all over the parking lot to justify the "off-road" purchase. Chinless. Bald. Earrings. Cap on backwards. Spade and Gas cylinder STRAPPED to outside of vehicle. Personalized number plates like "Joller-WP", "Sexy-KZN", "CallMe-MP"? Double the risk of driving nearby. Plates bearing the area codes CF, CY or CEY? QUADRUPLE the risk. The only consolation is 19 out of twenty of these travesties are owned by the bank. And they sit in traffic jams too. BAKING. Dad xx

Peas on Toast said...

Classic Dad. Brilliant! Xx

Anonymous said...

Just done a bit of a mental stock take around my house, ensuring it is a Dayde Free Zone and that I am safe. I do have some key questions that need feedback.

Venetian blinds – but they are in wood – is this OK ? Thinking back I did buy my house from a Dayde type character with two boxer dogs. I thought they were an asset to my house. Have I made a real estate faux pas ?

Fabric runners down the centre of the coffee table /bookshelf – if these are from Woolworths or @home and don’t have glitter on them. Am I safe ? I do tend to use on the dining room bench table and rotate regularly depending on mood. Can remove if necessary.

Personalised mugs - Does Keep Calm and Carry On or I Wont Keep Calm and You can Fuck off Count ? would value input here . I am concerned these are going main stream and perhaps need to be removed.

Just off to donate Three Quarter Pants and Fridge Magnets to Charity Organisation.

Anonymous said...

Additionally. Words like "Bru", "Dude", "Trashed", "Awesome" and "LIKE" form 99% of his vocabulary. If you are mad enough to drive close by.......
Dad xx

Pebbles said...

Don't forget the t-shirts that say The Man, The Legend with arrows pointing up and down, as well as Randy Lover etc etc.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - Classic - why do you want a Dayde Free Zone? Embrace the Dayde I say!

To answer your questions.
We have venetian blinds in wood. Totes fine.
Fabric runners - totally borderline. But would it help if I said that I own an oven mitt with a picture of the Big 5 on it?
Personalised mugs - I have a Keep Clam & Carry On on my desk. Plus a few Garfield mugs at home. This sadly just can't be avoided.

They are mainstream. I can promise you that :)

Dad - you know Dayde personally, don't you?

Pebbles - too true. And spelt wrong too. I once saw a shirt that said "100% Ledgend."

Anonymous said...

"WHO is DA BOY"??

"Janet, this case intrigues me.
"I shall take it on.
"Ve shall have heem running (flog on knees), jumping (flog) in no time, if my name (flog) is not Doctor (flog) Emeel (flog) Schaffhausen (3 flogs)...."

Clues please! dad x

Anonymous said...

My response to this - being Dove - is that I would absolutely have a mug that says 'I won't keep calm and you can fuck off', and would take it into client meetings. I have venetian blinds, in wood-coloured metal. Been meaning to change them for two years. Oh god, I also have fridge magnets. Peas - am I turning into our creation...?!

Peas on Toast said...

Dad - Ruprecht?

Dove - We ARE our creation. We are DAYDE dude. Remember that most people have at least 20 items on this list.

Just on the top of my head, I own:

A random cupboard full of mismatched shot glasses - FUCK.
I also have metal venetians in the bladdy bathroom. DIABOLICAL.
And I have a Keep Calm and carry On mug.
And surround sound that's clearly visible.
And we use the amp as a side table.

Crisis. I need to De-Daydify.

Anonymous said...

Yes. "Something a leetle more STREENGENT (flog) perhaps?"

Seriously..who is DA BOY? Confidential? Clues please...

Peas on Toast said...

He is totally made up dad. If you know a guy who is 100% Dayde please let me know - we are looking for him!

Jenna said...

I have never laughed so hard in my life reading the adventures of Dayde and the list of everything in their house!

My additions for a Dayde zone:

- Those peak caps with the little fan attached/spray bottles with fans to keep Talia cool.

- Neon pink statuettes of poodle dogs for decor.

- Those blankets with sleeves for adults strewn across the plastic-lined couch.