Thursday, November 01, 2012

The Adventures of Dayde (part 1)

The Dove and I wrote a book story. Dove is my MOH. She and I spontaneously wrote a story together two weeks ago. Over email. Over two days.

As the story is of questionable taste, quality, and probably going to offend 8000 types of people, I'll just put it up here. It's also very very South African, and beautifully so.

I proudly present: THE ADVENTURES OF DAYDE. 
By The Dove and Peas On Toast.


Meet Dayde. The sides of his blond head are shaved a lot shorter than the top, and he looks like he does press ups in his sleep. His head is like a very large potato, and he still plays touch twice a week. Frequents Billy the Bums. Very neatly dressed, yellow shirt, fairly pointy black leather shoes, neat belt. He is a printer salesman.

Extremely proud of the latest top-of-the-range printer as it is 'the first in the country,' and really knows his shit about it.


Dayde is a biscuit. Not an actual biscuit, but a theoretical biscuit, as in "Dayde you biscuit."

Dayde loves his new house in Zingara Sands, a safari-style complex in Beverly, which is a suburb north of Fourways.


So, he lives in this suburb north of Fourways, and he drives to work everyday in two hour traffic in a Mazda Etude from a dealership off Corlett Drive.

But it's ok, because he's listening to kiff tunes from Bump 27 and going over his sales pitch in his head: 'Haa, aam Dayde and hev aah got a shweet little puppy for you.'

For lunch he has a health shake and a banana, from a lunch box. He also drinks Energade and calls his fellow colleagues things like 'Wayno' and 'Gavinski'.

He does the double finger-gun vibe with sound effects when a client leaves, and says: "Cheow for neouw" His wife is a mani/pedi Nail Technician whose name is Talia. She loves their new terracotta complex with a safari theme in Beverly, with the Big Five mosaic-ed into the pillars at the gate.

She is pregnant with a boy and they are the type of people who announced 'We're pregnant!'

The list of names for their boy is:



Shayne (Hey Shayno you biscuit)

Dayde (Junior)





They've decided to turn the garage into Dayde's wife's new mani/pedi salon, which works for both of them, because he can now park his spanking new QASHQAI right onto the pavement outside so that everyone can see that he TOTALLY SMASHED HIS SALES TARGETS LAST QUARTER AND THAT HE IS COINING IT.

Talia's new colours of the season for mani/pedi's are Mint, Silver, and Hot Pink (all those on different nails) because pastels and neons are "huge in London." Of course, in reality, anything more colourful than navy blue is considered 'Bermudan' in England, and also that neons were literally cleared from the shelves when winter came here a month ago and have yet to be seen again.

When Shayne and Justyn are born (twins!) Dayde and Talia are going to throw a baby shower in the communal clubhouse of Zingara Sands, (free use of the braai area and everyone can plug their iPods into the stereo, so Bump 5 all round).
Their wider family - who hail from Florida - Florida, Krugersdorp, not Florida, USA - will load up the Ford Sierra and come down for the weekend.


Now that Dayde has 'TOTALLY SMASHED HIS SALES TARGETS', he's investing in a new company that recycles print cartridges, with his buddy Keegan.

'Keegski' has convinced him that within a year he'll have a shwweeeeeet little place out on Hartbeespoort Dam, with a jetty and a jet ski or two, which will look proper tit trailing behind his new QASHQAI.
They've had this chat many times over some meat and Windhoeks at the complex's club house, and have finally decided to take the leap of faith. 'Boet. It's gotta be done.'

Back in the garage at Zingara Sends, Talia's nails have taken off, with every chick in the complex wanting mint, silver and hot pink nails, in a variety of patterns. This week's theme is 'Anything Twirls.'
When the family comes down from Florida, West Rand, they will bring all the cousins - as in proper relative cousins - namely:

Cleopedro - a combination of mum - Cleo - and dad - Pedro
Roxayne - Combo of Roxy and Wayne
Trevelle - Combo of Trevor and Chantelle
And the baby, Carmenelektra-Lee


They bought the house in Harties. And made a new mate. Charvayne. Charmain + Wayne. Who is lesbian with Waydene, who lives next door.


Waydene and Charvayne met in the Hartbeespoort Video Spot where Waydene works, and where she gave Charvayne a bunch of Kurt Darren music video compilations at a discount.

Turns out that the butcher opposite is owned by Charvayne's dad, but he no longer speaks to her, because in his world, it's Adam and Eve, 'not Adam and Steve'.
 Waydene's hair looks like a skunk's tail at the back, and a porcupine's quills at the front. Charvayne only likes wearing three quarter pants.


Charvayne is really excited as she has come up with an invention that she reckons is going to change her life, Waydene's life, and the community of Hartebeespoort's life.

She has made an invention which she is going to start distributing to all outdoor stores, and it's bladdy genius.
She's taken a Croc and a Strop, mixed the design together....
And called it a ...STROC.

(Stroc's look amazing with three quarter pants and moonbags)

It's a year later, and the Stroc has taken off in ways they never imagined. Farmers from Eastern Cape to Eastern Europe (who wear them with thick socks in winter), have jumped on the Stroc-wagon, and Waydene & Charvayne - co-owners of CHARDENE Inc. - have hired the whole of Harties to manufacture their invention.

Meanwhile they have upgraded to a house in Eagle Canyon, somewhere in North West Province.


Chardene Inc. has set up branches across three countries - South Africa, Germany and the Ukraine, where socks and Strocs are all the rage.
Because they've smashed all their sales targets, they've bought two QASHQAIs, an entire complex in Sunninghill called 'Stunninghill Sands' and taken the Strocs mainstream, now stocking them in Dion's and Makro.

They have also landscaped their garden at Eagle Canyon, and had a sculpture curated for their front lawn. It's made with a fountain fixture - from a two tonne hunk of bronze - in the shape of a humungous Stroc.

To celebrate the unveiling of the ginormous Stroc art, they host a party - playing all their favourite Kurt Darren CDs while people admire the artwork. They switch on the water and it spurts out of the toe part of the giant Stroc and everyone is in disbelief and awe.

Dayde has announced that his mother - Waylize - (Wayne + Charlize) is becoming the ambassador for Stroc, as part of the plan to internationalise the business.
They've decided to try and penetrate the ultimate market. The market that people only dream to penetrate with waterproof footwear. The market where dreams and dollars are made.


Dayde, Waylize, and the rest of Chardene Inc. are flying to Baton Rouge, Alabama to conquer the Deep South market.
Their sales pitch has been heavily researched - the people of Alabama live next to swamps and like to wrestle with alligators. So their strap line - no pun intended - STRAP LINE - will be "Why wrastle with 'gators, get some waterproof footwear, haters...STROCS."

They have had to add a whole bunch of disclaimers to the end of their Amerikan ad, because advertising law states that they can't sell footwear unless everyone knows that:

Can cause cancer of the Achilles heel, is known to cause temporary blindness in adults with blonde hair, not for children under the age of 3, not for paedophiles, anglophiles, francophiles or people with Asperger's disease. Batteries not included. Strocs is a registered trademark to Chardene Inc.

But besides that, they're ready to take on Amerika, and are on their way to the airport in their QASHQAI (longterm parking). Dayde is so excited he forgot to switch the fountain mechanism off on the giant Stroc fountain on the front lawn and the neighbours are complaining to the Zingara Sands committee.

 - - - - - - - Stay tuned for another gripping episode of 'THE ADVENTURES OF DAYDE' tomorrow! - - - - - - -


Anonymous said...

LOL @ the Stroc, holy shitballs.....

enjoyed reading it :)


Kate said...

don't leave us in suspense. what happened in Amerika?

Flarkit said...

Good golly, guvnah! That's proper funny, ah-said, proppa!

Peas on Toast said...

Excellent, thanks chaanas!

Anonymous said...

Hey, you're giving my Qashqai a bad name!