THE ADVENTURES OF DAYDE continues. Consider it the best Friday ever.
Waydene came home yesterday very excited after shopping up a storm at Haad Pork Mall. (Buying moonbags and three quarter pants).
The Haad Pork Express papped her right in the centre of the mall, saying they'd like to feature their garden with the giant bronze Stroc in the 'You Saw It Here!' section of the paper. They are going to be famous. Amongst the 237 residents that live in Haad Pork.
Waydene and Charvayne don't really know Haad Pork at all - it was thanks to their new GPS which they stuck to the windscreen of the QASHQAI that got them there to start with. Dayde offered to have a few celebratory "brewskis" after the shoot at their clubhouse at Zingara Sands, and reckoned because he won the Huisgenoot Boerewors Off last year, he will be braai master.
Their adopted child, Yovan (Yvette+ Donovan) will be there as well - he'll be the kid ambassador for Strocs and also go to Amerika with everyone else.
In the meantime, the line "Why wrastle with 'gators, get some waterproof footwear, haters....STROCS," and all disclaimers have been approved for the Amerikan advertising campaign.
Talia is going to be the designer for the shoot, as well as the model. She will be posing on an inflatable alligator next to a swamp, mostly starkers, but with a patch covering her punani.
She has managed to negotiate co-branding for her nail technician company 'Tali's Talons', in the ads, in lieu of payment, so her nails will be particularly prominent in the photograph, with much focus on her hands holding the reigns, while 'riding' the alligator.
Little does she know that 'Tali's Talons' is six feet under water due to Dayde's negligence with the fountain mechanism on the giant Stroc. But she will deal with that when the time comes.
The Advertising Authority of Alabama did insist that Tali shows more skin, because they said sex sells particularly well in this region of the Deep South. Dayde was slightly bothered, but got over it when he realised that this ad could could get him a new addition to the jet ski collection. And Yovan wants a new quad baak.
The agency came back with the specs for the ad in Alabama newspapers:
Chardene Inc. then received news they wouldn't have expected in a million years. News that brought tears to their aas:
DIE ANTWOORD wants to make STROCS part of their staple wardrobe.
After two days of exciting co-branding announcements and Die Antwoord product placement in all of their music videos, Team Chardene were in particularly high spirits.
To kick off the campaign, they bought a double page spread in the Alabama Evening Express. Part of the page included a fantastic "BUY ONE GET TWO FREE" promotion, where if you bought two sets of gel nails, they'd throw in a set of Strocs free.
Yovan wanted to sit on his quad bike for the ad, but Dayde said it would detract people's eyeballs from Tali's bulging breasts.
Weeks of massive campaigning unsued - soon the streets of Baton Rouge, Alabama, were filled with people wearing Strocs, talking about Strocs, and some even eating Strocs (but that's another story.)
Waydene turned to Charvayne and Dayde one night, over a brandewyn 'n Coke, on the lapping shores of an Alabama bayou, and said:
"Yussus hey. Just to think. We are COINING it bru. This all started because Dayde smashed his targets when he sold that really TOP OF THE RANGE Lexmark printer. And check it, now we are in AMERIKA bru. And Britney Spears was wearing Strocs in Us Weekly yesterday, on her way out of Starbucks with a cafe macchiato latte. Shit hey."
Charvayne lost her hairdryer in the swamp and is going FLIPPING MAL.
On top of the hairdryer-in-the-swamp-debacle, tragedy has beset Chardene Inc.
Britney Spears - being blond - is showing signs of temporary blindness, and did not read the disclaimers on the bottom of the ad, saying that blonde people shouldn't wear Strocs. She's got her lawyer onto the subject, and Chardene Inc. etc. have been plunged into a legal shit storm and are now in for one almighty ride.
Chardene Inc gets the bejesus sued out of it, and disintegrates completely.
Waydene goes back to being MD of Video Spot Hartiebeespoort, Yovan starts working at "Jetskis-R-Ons" down the road, while Dayde goes back to selling Lexmark printers.
Tali gets the latest "trend scoop" out of London, which her "intelligence" says are French Manicures. (I have yet to see one bird with a french manicure in this city. And that's an honest to God fact), while Charvayne goes back to the drawing board - inventing new footwear.
They trade in the QASHQAI for a Ka. (Ford), and put roof racks on the top to carry the waterskis between Eagle Canyon and Hartebeespoort Dam.
They sell the giant bronze Stroc to the Apartheid Museum for R5.50, because the Goodman Gallery and Gallery Momo refuse the proposition to buy it.
Then one day Charvayne's restless mind comes up with a new crazy-brilliant design which they plan to market in an entirely new country.
Jandals are to New Zealanders what Strops are to South Africans. So the idea hit her like rubbery footwear to the face.
----->lightbulb in her cranium ---------> EUREKA - - - - -> STROCKLES.
(Sidenote: Art director to please make tri-hybrid picture, double page spread, above the fold in Hartebeespoort Weekly, tick tock)
Dollar signs were literally pulsating from Charvayne's eyeballs. Pulsating out of her eyeballs, ricocheting off the garage wall, and bouncing back again into her eyeballs. That's a lot of dollar.
Dayde realised he still had a lot more gas in the tank than selling the world's best printing solutions.
He decided to cross-pollinate.
His boss said that while the Lexmark 4000 CCi5 was his biggest achievement (selling one of these - completely state of the art - laser printers to the CEO of Investec), he was capable of so much more.
So Dayde decided, one morning when he stepped into his tan chinos in the bedroom of his Zingara Sands split level home, that he was going to diversify completely.
Strockles had taken off in Finland, and had completely dominated market share in New Zealand and Borneo, where people go on package jungle safaris.
As he slipped on his aquamarine pair of Strockles, (CFO Waydene loved Listerine. And wanted a waterproof shoe that reflected this), he realised that he should really think this all over over a few Jaegies.
His sister, Chandre (Charvette + Andre), picked him up in her Open Corsa and they headed to Bump in Midrand, which was a Mattress Warehouse, but is now Bump again - to think it all over some Rohypnol and Jaegermeister.
Then it hit him. (An idea, not the Rohypnol.)
There was a niche he'd never even considered before. He needed to sell printers to night clubs.
He'd conquered Investec. He'd conquered JP Morgan. He'd even got that guy Kevin from Macquarie Securities to buy one. No, what he needed was DIVERSITY. And BBE.
So he hired Obnoxious, a guy from Shoshanguve who had an attitude and a truck.
He then made a list of targets.
Bump, ESP, H20, Haad Pork Hotel.
No one would be spared from Dayde's sales pitch. No organisation, no individual. Dayde's ultimate objective was to sell each and every nightclub in the greater Gauteng area a Lexmark 4000 CCi6. The latest model. Straight out of Yokohama, Japan.
He would wear chinos and Strockles to pitch. To give him that relaxed yet Information Technological edge. He changed his job title from "Printing Solutions Manager" to "Aah Tee Evangelist."
But just as Dayde was about to climb into the Ka and head to Bump, Waydene called him to give him some terrible news.
Charvayne, her lover and business partner, had just run off with another woman.
The scarlet woman is called Clayzette (Clayton + Lizette).
- - - - - - STAY TUNED FOR YET ANOTHER GRIPPING AND FINAL EPISODE OF DAYDE AND HIS BEST BUDDIES TOMORROW! OR MONDAY! OR MAYBE EVEN TUESDAY! - - - -