Officially seriously down.
I can probably credit January blues, quitting smoking entirely for 21 days, general anxiety and a whole host of other things I won't bore you with, but I am feeling pretty sad right now.
It doesn't help that I am ridiculously homesick, am craving any semblance of sunlight on my skin, and the open skies, am missing my friends terribly, and have severe cabin fever from the weekend because it's too cold/and couldn't be arrssed to actually go outside and face the other equally grumpy people out there. Who has the motivation to actually want to do anything right now? Not me.
I am also alone, and feel desperately isolated and lonely.
It also doesn't help that when I had two glasses of wine this weekend, I got an intense migraine. I can't even hold two glasses of wine! Being healthy and detoxed isn't great when you can't even manage to drink two stupid glasses of wine, does it?
I am not sleeping either. Apparently [the Internet says] this could be a result of the non-smoking thing. Sometimes sleeping patterns are disrupted. Well it would be fine it were just for the sleeping patterns. I'm tossing and turning most nights, but am also experiencing really anxious dreams around my past, the wedding and my estranged family dynamics, and all sorts of other stuff.
It's really nice.
Maybe I'm watching too much Lost? I'm on the third series now, for lack of anything else mildly interesting to watch, and I'm starting to feel like those people on the island. Isolated, separated from who they used to be, and stuck.
I feel stuck. And no amount of exercise or healthy eating is helping this feeling.
I would do anything for one day in the sun, with my close friends (all who mostly live back in SA), catching up. Yes, I can do this in 3 months, but I am literally OVER London right this very second.
This big, huge, isolating, grumpy city. I fucking hate you right now.
Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.
This'll pass, of course it will.
Why do I know this? BECAUSE IT'S BLUE MONDAY. The most depressing day of the year.
Someone just reminded me, and if I'm not fuck off relieved.
I mean, Thank God. There's actually a proper, media-written justification as to why I feel like Satan's right testicle dipped in goat crap sauce.
There's actually an algorithm for Blue Monday, which usually falls on 21 January. The day when you've most likely gone back on your resolutions, have no more money in your account, it's dark and shit.
Here it is.