Tuesday, March 19, 2013
I had a thought this morning, as I stood in line at Cafe Nero waiting to order a coffee.
Why are coffee shops so shouty in the AM?
Are they trying to recreate a scene of total chaos by yelling orders down the line? I mean, I'm barely awake. I've tumbled out of the tube, on my way to a meeting at Parliament, and I just want a coffee.
But I don't want to be barked at before I have had the actual coffee.
"WHOSE NEXT? NEXT PLEASE? EXCUSE ME, YOU NEXT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? "
"Hello." [Squeaks]. "Er...[feverishly scans menu wondering if regular is normal cup size or tiny, and what "dry semi-skimmed" means] Erm... can I have a cappuccino?
"WHAT SIZE? ONE CAPPUCCINO WHAT SIZE?"
"OK, calm down. A regular."
"REGULAR SEMI-SKIMMED OR REGULAR DRY SEMI-SKIMMED."
"Sweet Christ. I DON'T KNOW. WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE."
It's the most traumatic thing, when all you really want to do is just wake up and think after you've had the coffee.
It's always so frantic, and next to the tax man, baristas make my blood pressure rise. And most of them aren't even actual Italians.
One would think they'd be more British about the whole thing - talk in whispers, avert their eyes and hand me coffee without all the drama and fuss.
I mean, why do coffee houses have to be so Mediterranean at 8:30am?
Second thought: I had a Skype date with Dove over the weekend, which was literally like Christmas. We haven't been able to Skype for ages as she's moved flat and Telkom fucked up her internet.
I've missed speaking to her so much, and given she's my chief bridesmaid, I haven't a clue what's been going on on the ground.
So we caught up on Saturday, both over a few glasses of wine, me in my lounge, she in hers, over a 2.5 hour Skype chat.
What on Earth would I do without video chat? Honestly, I feel cut off from my clan at the best of times, but just to catch up over a few hours has set the world right again.
Third thought: In exactly a month, I'll be in South Africa. OMG.
Get off the plane and straight into a spray tanning outlet.
That's what'll be happening.
On the plus side, I've hit my target weight. Might have been because I was all Gastrosaurus Rex last week, but either way my diet has worked.