three conversations i hate having

Been wanting to write a post for ages about three conversations, I hate being in.

The one-way kind. That you cannot, ever, get out of. 

There are three distinct types.

The MY-LIFE-IS-WAY-BETTER-THAN-YOUR-LIFE's:

You know the type. The "Oh you just had a baby/got married/have huge news? Instead of pretending to take interest, I'll just tell you about all the amazing things I'M doing."

These peeps are massively insecure and over-compensate for this by incessantly namedropping, bragging, complaining and never, ever, asking about you. They just don't care.

They put you in a corner and give you an hour long rhetoric. You cannot escape.
The SUPER-DUPER-INTENSE's:

Where the above types lack any kind of depth or substantial feeling, these guys are just as self-centred. They need you to know how STRONGLY they feel about something; how much feeling they have, and they'll nail you down and gore your eyeballs out with their long, profound stare, and you'll leave feeling completely drained.

The topic doesn't really matter; although it usually involves politics, religion (conversations you should avoid with strangers anyway), children, animals and feelings on goji berries.

They don't talk to you, they talk at you. And it's pretty exhausting. Especially if it's a small-talk conversation where you have to be polite and pretend to be happy about listening to a barrage of jibber-jabber about why tables discriminate against chairs.
The ABSOLUTELY-MAD's:

Self-explanatory. They're mad. Met quite a few of these lately, and walked out of all the conversations thinking, "What the fuck just happened."

They simply don't talk sense. But they do talk a lot. In fact, they simply cannot stop talking at all. And nothing adds up. They'll fly from one tangent to the next, stringing words together with cackles. Logical topics, reasoning and context don't resonate here.

Having a business meeting with them is particularly trying, as you have to be patient, and you have to ensure they understand what you are saying. Except that they never let you get a word in edgeways, so you leave wondering what the point of the meeting was about at all.
So. To conclude.

None of the above are, actual, conversations. What they are is verbal assaultage, which takes on three very dysfunctional strains.
The thing with all of them is that, you don't actually get to talk at all. 

People have got more and more self-centred - if that's even fucken possible - as they are actively encouraged to be. (For example, pictures of oneself hashtagged "selfie," or millions of status updates a day about their boring lives). As a result, people are simultaneously getting more, frankly, mad.

The need to be found amongst the constant online noise, ever-increasing, needing desperately to be found in a medium where everyone has a voice is making many people completely oblivious to other people's voices. All they hear and want to hear is their own.

If you think I'm being over-dramatic, consider this. Ever feel like you're talking into a hairdryer with some people?

Dude.

Lately it's been relentless. Makes me kind of super pissed off.  I have less tolerance for people's verbal diarrhoea than ever before.

All of you just shut up. And start listening to others for a change.