Tuesday, June 04, 2013
WHY do people stop at the top of an escalator when there are - on casual observation - 8000 people behind them, piling up like Tetris pieces?
WHY is the world obsessed with sites like catsrofl.com or kittylulz.com?
WHY do I buy shit magazines just because there's a free nail polish [in a colour that I never use] inside?
WHY are people so flaky sometimes? [Make plans, then change them, then remake them, then change them. Fuck. Off.]
WHY is the decibel level of my voice such that when I am talking in a particularly acoustic-bouncing environment, like a board room or a loud pub, nobody can hear my voice?
WHY is this getting worse with time?
WHY did I not know that when I run in the gym and I'm listening to Rythym Is A Dancer and Reactivate 9 with the current earphones I'm using, everybody can hear exactly what I am running to?
AND on the train?
FOR the past year?
And the Brit only told me now?
WHY are chavs so self-entitling and annoying?
HOW do people get their work done when they talk so much crap? Not stupid crap, per se, but just 'blah blah blah totally-irrelevant-to-this-conversation-crap?
HOW will I be shaggy boombastic in my bikini in Borneo when carbs have found me again?
WHY am I so excited about this weekend?
BECAUSE we are going to Scotland for my friend's wedding.
BECAUSE we are flying to Edinburgh on Friday and staying nearby in the countryside to see a load of celebrating kilts and hear the sounds of a thousand bagpipes.
WHY am I so excited to hear the sounds of a thousand bagpipes?
BECAUSE I have never been to Scotland before.
WHY am I also scared to go to Scotland, bagpipes and haggis starters aside?
BECAUSE work might blow up.
WHY do Brits insist that they enjoy - and continue - their holidays in the rain?
WHY is the answer to this question, "Because we made a bunch of sandwiches for the roadtrip down to Southend...and we had a tent to pitch."
WHY is this the British answer to everything actually?
WHY do they actually love being a little bit miserable?
WHY do I tap my Oyster Card over and over again on the Underground even though I know it won't work?
WHY am I reading a very botched-together biography on Jimmy Savile and the unraveling of the BBC?
WHY do people leave voicemails when they can text?
WHY don't people listen to more Phil Collins?
WHY is it not because he grew up in Hounslow and not because they don't like Groovy Kind Of Love? (Next to the airport? Heathrow's answer to Kempton Park?)
WHY don't I wear sunglasses to work? Anyway? Even if it's cloudy?
WHY can't someone have a Bridal Braai where we all get to wear our wedding dresses again?
WHY haven't our professional photographs arrived yet, WHY GOD WHY?
WHY is it posh to say 'geographair' and not 'geography?'
WHY do I watch The Kardashians so much when the Brit is away?
WHY can we hear the upstairs couple shagging at 2am all the time suddenly?
WHY have they seemingly removed several layers of their bedroom floor?
WHY do the trendiest flats du jour look like Hugh Hefner's slippers?
WHY is the smell of sizzling pork so fucking incredible?
WHYcan't the new Bridget Jones book be ready NOW, why Helen Fielding, why?
WHY did our cleaner add me on Facebook? (We leave her a key, don't see her ever. Purely transactional relationship)
WHY is Annie Lennox's song called Why?
WHY can't I wallpaper the bathroom using my leftover washi tape?