Hey, the all inclusive-booze thing would've been nice actually. Would've made it eight thousand times less expensive.
Nay. What we wanted was to choose our honeymoon, step-by-step. Custom-create that bad boy. A bespoke tailor-made journey - both luxurious and adventurous (read: rustic).
It was just glorious. Besides being able to spend time together, with not a stress in the world, (maybe one or two like, choice paralysis when faced with the cocktail menu, and things like whether we should go snorkelling today or tomorrow), the main thing was that we could actually do nothing together.
The luxury of us being able to do nothing and everything together is a ginormous one. We lead extremely chaotic and stressful lives in London, and it was especially crazy before we left. So the honeymoon wasn't only a gift; it was a goddamn necessity.
Also got to do things like read actual books (with pages and everything), take naps whenever we felt like it, in between eating, swimming and walking through the world's oldest rainforest. Where I thought it had disappeared forever, I actually got my [life] mojo back.
This one is 130 million years old. It saw dinosaurs and shit. When I'm stressed and they say, "Imagine your calm place," I imagine cool, green, forests. This was green, but it was also about 43 degrees Celsius. Rainforests are the Earth's natural saunas. You sweat like a Swede.
They are also alive. They don't stop moving; they're filled with crazy, dangerous, bizarre creatures and plants. So, in lieu of staying in and walking through lots of rainforest with guides (one who was doing a pHD in rainforest sciency stuff), I thought I'd share this aspect of our honeymoon with you.
If plants, animals and weird shit with trees doesn't interest you, well,..fuck you.
This is an Orang Utan. Which means "man of the forest." You can only find these dudes in Borneo. They contain 96% of the same DNA as humans. Only one down from the gorilla, who is our closet animal relative. And bananas apparently.
They're not shy. They like shiny things and have been known to take cameras off people, as well as clothes. Stripped a French lady naked, or so we were told by our gregarious guide. (What was she wearing?)
We spent almost a week in a communal camp - a basic wooden collection of stilted houses on the Kinabatangan River. It's wild. There are not a lot of humans that live here. We went to a small rainforest village, otherwise it was us and trees and a fuckload of monkeys everywhere.
They always cooked and served us breakfast inside the jungle, which was amazing.
So yeah, did it the boring way.
My favourite time to enter the jungle was at night. Mainly because the temperature had dropped by a fraction and you could think straight. During the morning walks, you sweat like I sweat after an hour on a treadmill.
You have to put insect repellent over every atom of skin, because you'll get bitten literally every second. (We counted. Mozzies love the Brit. And he got bitten every. Single. Second in a place he forgot to put repellent.)
This is the shit you see on the safari cruises and in the jungle.
"GET BACK, STAND BACK, NOW." Was how I approached the situation.
After 'roughing' it in the jungle
Which I'll share another day. It was fucking sublime.