Friday, August 23, 2013

what a housing project looks like written down

It's the summer bank holiday weekend.*

That means we get three days off, which is tremendously exciting, and I also get to say "See you next Tuesday" to everyone today.

Calling someone a cunt with a smile on your face, whilst wishing them a lovely weekend, well, there's a certain element of satisafction that comes with that.

We are also attending the Brit's brother's wedding this weekend. It's just shy on four months (!) that we've been married, and now it's his big brother's turn, in Bournemouth overlooking the sea from the cliffs.

I plan to wear a purple Ted Baker and my patent black wedges. In case you're wondering.

It'll also be a nice break from the house stuff we are trying to scramble together. Dude, buying a house that you plan to renovate and add an extension to, is no job for a pussy.

Yeah, pussy.

If you're a wet wipe, don't do this in Engalnd. I suspect planning approvals and health and safety red tape in South Africa is not nearly as bureaucratic as it is here.

If you plan to sell house, move into another and then renovate, this is what your life will be like for about 8 months to a year: If you're lucky.

1) Look for houses. Arrange viewings. Spend every evening of every week day looking at houses.

2) Find one. Immediately panic. What if someone else loves it as much as we do? Or what if I only love it, the Brit hates it and we fight over this house?

3) Put in offer. (Is it accepted, are we going to banter over this? Who else has offered, AHMAHGAD, the pyschological torture)

4) Offer accepted! Hang our house sold? (Yes it is, continue. No it isn't start from the top.)

5) Sell existing house (Clean house thoroughly - or like us, fire the cleaner for stealing, then clean your house - Review any offers, who do we accept, can we do better, will we do better?)

6) Accept offer. Quickly get a gas and energy assessment, realise it's mandatory and should've got it before sale.

7) Mortgage paperwork. Single-handedly cut down the forests of Borneo when you submit your life to the bank.

8) Get denied. Because you're still on a visa. They think i'm a flight risk even though I'm married and with a job.

9) Go to new bank. Wait for approval [we are right HERE in the process.]

10) Organise house inspection/assessment (for things like damp, termite catacombs in the floorboards, that sort of thing)

11) Organise valuation assessment for both properties (our old and new one)

12) Find an architect [we've also done this]

13) Get him to new house to draw up plans and make us a pretty drawing

14) When he's done drawing up what our new house will look like, submit these plans to the council for approval

15) And submit structural engineering plan in, because one part of the house extension involves a giant steel beam.

16) Exchange, arrange time to move in. [Hoping this will be next month sometime.]

16) Once plans are submitted and approved [Two, three months since moving in], find a builder

17) Negotiate three things with builder. Quality of work, how we will pay, and most importantly, how long it will take. Builders aren't known for sticking to times like German train schedules.

18) Endure three months or so of building, throughout English Winter.
Try not to think about things like big, wide, gaping holes in the wall, tarps blowing in the wind and endless drizzle, while builders turn up late or not at all.
Or the dust on every surface in every room of the house.
And the makeshift kitchen while a new one is made.

Yeah. So that's where I am at. I'm in the process of extreme mental preparation. I knew we were going to grow up this year, but I didn't realise it would feel so swift or quick.

This little project is definitely more than just 'moving house.'

Excited and scared.

* There are two 'summer bank holidays.' One in June, one in August. Summer supposedly falls in between. This year, by some miracle, it actually fucking did.

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