russian, scripts & emails

Two things. That slightly pertain to the female anatomy.

1) What do you think of my new Russian porn script:

[Cue left, somewhere in Soviet Russia, man opens door of a hotel in Moscow called, "The Golden Ring," and looks all smouldering and Putinesque] 

Man, called Vladimir: Hello. Vot iss your nem.
Lady, called Natassja: My nem iss Nasstasja.

Vladimir:  Do you like veaponz of mess deestructshon.

Nasstasja: Yes I do. Vhy don't you enter my bunker.

[She gestures towards her steaming loins, not the hole in floor with a hatch].

Vladimir: I voz a fireman once. I used to hev a very large hose.

Nasstasja: Vell, I vonce got ravaged by bear.

Vladimir: I lived in gulag. I hev heat seeking moisture missile.

Nasstasja: Can we smoke? Post-coital? Pre-coital? Coital? Vodka and cigarettes are my diet.

Vladimir:  Vodka and cigarettes are so dezirable.

And that's how far I've got.

What do you think? No dice?
This was born out of a lunchtime conversation we all had in Russian accents. Which lead to a porn script. Because that's where most Russian accents are destined.

My view? Russian accents are the most underrated. In the vorld.

2) You never do, but check before pressing send.
Too many times - trust me, there's a myriad of ways I have managed to fuck this up in my lifetime - and today was a prime example.

"Dear Peas,
I am a journalist that is writing a story on tables and why they are so rad. Can you comment? 

Best,
Virginia."

"Sure Virgina, here you go."

Now, I didn't call her a vagina, in the strictest of terms, but arguably, a "virgina" is pretty close.
And I'm sure I'm not the only one ever to call her one.

It reminded my of one of the first stories I wrote as a fledging journalist, at the tender age of 23, fresh out of university.

Got myself a really top scoop on a new taxi rank going up in Randfontein.
I know.

Stop the bus. Shut the door. Get off the phone. And out of the city.

But when you're an arts graduate, you'll take whatever comes your way. Even if it's a job at a magazine whose audiences read long articles about taxi ranks and transport services.

Anyway. My first headline - which I saw proudly scrawled in bold across page three of a fresh issue of the magazine:
'Taxi rank brings new pubic transport options to Randfontein'

I didn't notice it. I had an untrained eye. The sub was clearly stoned, because it missed his scrutiny too. Although I suspect, he was smiling about it inside. Probably quite smug too.

I was mortified. And now, this stuff jumps out at me from a page.

Signing off one's email with Retards, Peas, isn't ideal either. I know a lot of people who have done that at least once.