Friday, January 17, 2014
stuff your body does when you're pregnant
I'm been catapulted into my third trimester.
Suddenly I am exhausted. I feel a bit like I did the first three months of being pregnant - it hits you like a tractor to the face in the early afternoon, where you're so tired you feel dizzy and disorientated.
While just a few weeks ago I had so much energy and felt I could do everything right until the end. (What do you mean 'slow down?' Not me, nuh uh), now I am starting to physically feel the effects of being as massive as a rhino.
I went to bed at 9pm last night. Not that I slept much, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I have another 5 weeks at work, how am I going to do this? How am I going to do anything slightly productive?
As I don't plan on being pregnant again, I'm also trying to take stock of the millions of different things that have happened to my body since The Double Insemination. While pregnancy is meant to be the most natural, genetic, predisposed thing in the world, so many weird, fucked up things start happening to your body.
Things I have experienced so far - and apparently there's a bunch of other things I can expect around the corner too:
So help me God. If only I could lie against a tree like a wild animal in the middle of the African plains and scratch my naked belly and arms all day long. Or find a stump to rub up against.
Now my skin hurts as it stretches over my belly, where I am needing to cream it up with tummy butter and oil twice, thrice a day.
Your eyeballs change shape when you're pregnant. Well of course they do. So the vision is more blurry than usual, and the eyes are dry.
Apparently the hormones inflame your gums, so whenever you brush your teeth your gums bleed, and a lot. It's really beautiful. At the back of your mind you wonder if you do, in fact, have periodontal disease, but then during a hygienist appointment, the dentist informs you everything is fine while what looks like a massacre is happening in your mouth.
These are particularly ferocious, where like last night I made the mistake of stretching in my sleep. This made my calf muscle seize up, lightning bolts going through my legs and searing pain that cannot be stopped or stretched out. Usually happens about once a night.
It's like you're 16 again. The hair and skin decide to implode on themselves in a catastrophically teenage manner, and can formally classify myself as a 'sebaceous 33 year old.' Mmm yummy.
Swollen fingers, ankles
All hail ye, the cankle! She is back! My wedding rings are getting toight, soon will have to take them off and look like I'm carrying bastard children. My swelling hasn't been too bad, but I hear it starts to get diabolical around about now.
Indigestion, heartburn and acid reflux
Chugging Gaviscon like water at the moment. The twins are squashing my stomach, so anytime I eat anything slightly acidic or if I eat too much (which I do, like, all the time), I get the burn. Or cough up acid. I have to wash down every meal with a Gaviscon milkshake. Deelish!
I find myself suddenly seething about how shit the human race is, and then marveling about how wonderful it is within the same hour. An ad on the telly about feeding starving children will set me off. There's one screening at the moment to a background accompaniment of "The sun'll come out tomorrow," which makes me wail every time.
I tried to run to catch a bus this morning on the way to work and almost had a heart attack. Just walking fast or up stairs, or even just talking too much results in panting. That everyone can hear.
Tons of blood is being shunted around your face and belly, so you're always 1) hot and 2) mostly rosy. If not rosy, you're very veiny. Especially around stomach and boobs.
Never in a million years did I think my humble 34Bs would grow into the blossoming and burgeoning 38Cs they are today. My cups runneth over. And are growing still. I might even be a D by the time the milk comes in. This is the best symptom so far.
Lots of hair
You don't malt. Your hair becomes thicker and glossier, which is nice. Heard it all falls out again immediately after birth. Hairdresser told me not to be alarmed when my hair comes out in chunks, it's just because it's not falling out at all right now.
Needing to pee all the time
Covered this. Ad infinitum.
Infinite energy sandwiched by dire tiredness
In the beginning and in the end , you're tired as fuck. They are growth spurting, so are draining me of all my nutrition so that they can develop. But in the middle of pregnancy you are bursting with energy.
You get pins and needly legs, especially when you sleep. And a gammy leg that becomes restless.
You smell things in Australia.
Bumping into shit
Walking into walls as you slide past, generally being overly clumsy. Finding yourself off-centre or bashing into things unnecessarily.
Really really vivid dreams too. People, faces and places - it's like you're really there. Many of sexual nature. Or ones where I am smoking a cigarette, drinking a vodka tonic and having a whale of a time, then waking up and thinking I've killed my babies.
Not only because I'm eating all the time, because that's certainly contributing to the heftiness, but my actual pelvis has started to realign and open up. My Favourite Irish Gay Friend told me I'd 'definitely widened out' the other day. Ready for launch. Gulp.
A brown line that forms down your tummy, cutting through your belly button. It's just pigmentation, but I look like a monkey. Or at least someone that has her own Greenwich Meridian. Apparently this goes away on birth too.
Pigmentation in general
Moles, freckles, nipples. They all go darker. Also get patches of brown on the face.
Nothing weird thus far, bar the three weeks I ate nothing but fish fingers. However my sweet tooth is of Willy Wonkarish proportions at the moment. I cannot end a meal without something sweet or I might hit the ceiling. The Brit has an insane sweet tooth, so there's a theory that now his genes are growing inside me, it's filtering down to me craving more sweet stuff. Anything involving potatoes and cheese is good too.
Putting the cereal in the wash basket instead of the kitchen cupboard, forgetting appointments or simple requests, definitely not being able to do maths. I ordered curtains for our bedroom last month. Disaster. I put the width measurements as the length measurements, and now have a lovely set of half size curtains. You just become super ditzy, very forgetful and a bit dumb sometimes.
In the first three months I got blinding headaches most days. I was also so tired and nauseous I didn't know how I'd get through the day sometimes.
By early afternoon, no chair, or change of seat or anything will help. You really just have to live with it.
That's all I can recall for now. But it really is a freak of nature.
Anyone else experience other weird anomalies?