Wednesday, March 26, 2014

anguish & joy

There are two chapters to my life. One that existed before 18 March 2014 and one that existed after.

I cannot write a blog post right now that adequately describes anything, but what I can do is show you how we have told our friends, family and acquaintances.

It goes like this. On 18 March I left home to go and have my final scan. 35 weeks. I left home and haven't been back since.

While thinking we were on the home stretch of pregnancy with only two weeks to go, we found out that Twin 2's heart had stopped beating. Sometime in the last week it had died.

Our hearts literally broke into millions of fragments. I don't quite have the strength yet to elaborate, so I'll share what I have already.

Yesterday morning, at 2:00am, 25 March I gave birth to my twins. One healthy little boy who we named Sebastian George. And one stillborn little girl, who we named Molly Therese. 

It is with an overwhelming joy and sorrow we announce the birth of our twins today. Last week was the most harrowing of our lives, as we learnt that our little girl, Molly, hadn't lived to see the world. So, with endless gratitude and relief, we embrace our feisty survivor, Sebastian, who is already helping us to heal our hearts.

Rest in peace my little Molly. We draw all our strength from the joy your precious twin brother is already giving us. 

Thank you everyone for your messages, texts and thoughts in this bittersweet time.

Nothing can aptly describe the sheer spectrum of emotion we feel by the death and birth of our two children who were meant to be a pair. But this adaptation by Elizabeth Lector comes close:

Bittersweet, the grieving joy,

The death and birth of our twin girl

One this world will never know,

One alone will live and grow.

Conceived and carried as a pair,

In birth alone one breathed the air.

His cry assured us he'd be fine;

His sister silent came behind.

Molly now in heaven will dwell.

Sebastian will play and laugh and yell

As all strong boys are wont to do.

He'll learn in time he's one of two

And wonder at what might have been,

What life would be like with his twin.


The sharpest sting of grief will pass

And Sebastian will grow up too fast

As happens with most every child.

I know at times we'll see him smile

And recall our daughter

Who was so like this living one.

So pain won't end, can't go away,

But joy grows stronger every day

As we experience life anew,

Seeing the world as children do.

We're grateful that we'll have a chance

To see our new son sing and dance.

To help him learn, to watch him grow,

These all are pleasures we will know.


Yet through the joy and love and care

We'll remember Molly is not there.

39 comments:

po said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Laurian. Congratulations on the birth of your little boy xxxx

SpecialK said...
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SpecialK said...
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SpecialK said...

I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Laurian. This is devastating news :( Congratulations on the birth of your precious son Sebastian George. Thinking of you and the Brit.
Sending you all my love and condolences. xxxx

The Chantal said...

Heartbroken for you LC but also very relieved and happy your son made it. (I love the name Sebastian)

Sometimes a soul is already so pure and enlightened it is ready to go to the higher level that we all are trying to get to, that's what happens when babies die, they didn't need to live another lifetime, well that's what I like to believe.

Love and strength to you and your husband.

Flarkit said...

...

RIP little one, and welcome young Sebastian. May you live a life full enough for you and your sis.

Kookalooks said...

Oh Peas, how completely overwhelming. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Welcome little Sebastian, may you come to know how incredibly loved you are.

Val said...

How very sad and how sorry I am to hear of your loss. But welcome to the world Sebastian! He will bring you and the Brit so much joy. xxx

Pebbles said...

All the love and all the hugs. XXXXX

Pebbles said...

I've been following your blog for so many years, it's like I really know you as a close friend. I had tears in my eyes reading your post. It's difficult to put in a message both the shear sorrow and sympathy as well as the huge joy. Just wordless long hugs.....

SwissTwist said...

Keeping Angel Molly in my prayers. Big hugs to you 3

Tim said...

Like Pebbles, have been reading your blog for years and so feel like I almost know you. I'm so sorry for your loss, and so grateful that Sebastian is healthy. Wishing you strength!

michelle mccrory said...

Peas i am so so so sorry to hear this devestating news for you and your hubby - (((((( Hugs )))))))) I hope that the arrival of your beautiful boy will ease your pain - go gently xxxxxxx

Lauren said...

I have also been reading your blog for many years - I am so devastated for you to read your news. May your little boy fill your lives with joy, while his sister will always be remembered with love. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Bug Eyed said...

Profoundly moving time for the three of you.

The little family that you are will ease the pain of losing one of you so sadly.

Wishing you many years of love and joy.

xxx

Beansy said...

Thank you for sharing your joy and your loss. Thinking of the 3 of you and crying heartfelt tears at my desk. xxx

Coffee and Books Cape Town said...

Beautifully written Boo. And Molly IS there. In heaven, and part of Sebastian, I believe..... xxx

JJ said...

So completely overwhelmed with sadness for your loss... I've been reading the blog since the beginning, and to hear this news breaks my heart. May your little girl rest in peace xx

Melissa Muller said...

I was about five months pregnant with my daughter when you announced yours - and I am holding her so tightly and crying as I write this. I cant even fathom the pain in your hearts right now - but your joy will only increase as you watch your son grow. My thoughts are with you and your family now in this bittersweet time. So many virtual hugs are coming to you.

charliesbird said...

What heart breaking news... I'm sorry. But I celebrate with you with your little boy's arrival - congratulations.

Allythecatlady said...

Dear Pea, I am devastated about the terrbly sad news. Thinking of you guys ....... I hope Mom is going to see you soon ......

Stacey said...

I am so so sorry to read of your loss. You are very much in my thoughts and prayers. Congratulations on the arrival of little Sebastian! Sending love.xxx

Sweet Pea said...

I've been reading your blog for many years and never left a comment. But today I feel compelled to reach out to you and send my support during this difficult yet joyous time. A friend of mine, Oliver is a surviving twin - his sister died in vitro. Shower your son with enough love for the two of them and always keep precious Molly in your hearts. Sending condolences and sincerest excitement on your new journey. XxX

Marilyn Cabral said...
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Mthembus in Mzansi said...

I don't think there are adequate words. As a reader, I just want to say our thoughts and prayers are with you. How incredible Sebastian is with you, and Molly has gone somewhere even better. So sorry, Laurian. Love and prayers x

smalltowngal said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Vannessa said...

I am so very very sorry to hear about Molly. I lost my daughter at 11 months of age and I know that no words can help ease that pain. Reaching out from Cape Town with a big virtual hug. xxx

michelle mccrory said...

Peas have been thinking about you all day trying to take in your news - be strong and take care love michelle xxx

Wistar said...

Oh Peas, I am so heartsore for you both, but big loves and a huge welcome to baby Sebastian x

Anne said...

May Molly's angel wings give you strength and carry the three of you forward.

BiancaP said...

Rest in peace beautiful Molly. Welcome to the world little Sebastian.

Melissa said...

So sorry this has happened, cried reading it on the train to work this morning. Rest in peace little Molly, and welcome to the world Sebastian. Hoping you and your husband are getting all the support you need.

Madi said...

Oh I am so utterly sorry for your loss but so happy and excited about the birth of your son. I cannot begin to understand how you are feeling but know that your little boy will bring you all the strength you will need.

Lots of love

Madi

Tam said...

I have used your blog as my "happy place" for a few years now, it was my daily indulgence reading your blog which got me through many years at a horrible job, your spirit and humor got me to laugh during bad break ups and tough times. I just want you to know that, and I am positive many, many other people are sending all of the love we could possible muster to you and your family. Congratulations on the birth of the amazing Sebastian, I am sure with you as his mommy, he is going to kick ass!
Xxx

Unknown said...

Dear Peas, I have also been reading your blog for years and also feel like I know you. Words seem so inadequate in a situation like this. So sorry that I can't offer more than deepest sympathies, a virtual hug. Rest in peace, dear little Molly. And may Sebastian bring you deep joy and healing. Wishing happiness for you and your little family. Xxx

Mands M said...

Peas, my heart goes out to you. Also a long time reader, and have journeyed with you through your pregnancy, my little boy arrived six weeks ago. Words cannot express my sadness at the loss of your little girl, nor the excitement for the joy your little boy will bring you. Your family is in my thoughts x

michelle mccrory said...

Peas when you feel ready please do contact Babycentre forum for babyloss - the support they offer is incredible - it got me through 3 very difficult years and 2 losses - and as we have moved on with our lives we are still friends on Facebook. look after yourself and your beautiful new baby love michxxx

MeeA said...

Ah, Laurian. I'm so pleased for you to have met your little boy at last. And so desperately sorry for the loss of your little girl. Love and strength to you all.

Paix More said...

So deeply sorry, was so excited for you! Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful boy