Friday, July 25, 2014

my ten positives, mostly

Feeling depressed at the moment. (Ref previous post regarding the world going mad), and for some reason this has all really got to me.

Perhaps it's other things manifesting as this thing, but even so I am not feeling good at all.

I had a dream last night that we had Sebastian cloned. So there were two little Sebastian's running around, both little boy twins. I still missed Molly deeply in my dream, but also felt joyously happy that we could somehow just 'recreate' another Seb. And they were at walking stage, running around together in their identical little outfits.
"You lost a twin? No problemo, just bring the one twin into the shop and we will clone him for you for a hefty sum."

Then I woke up. Gah.

I also bumped into one of the twins club ladies at a weaning class. While the rest of the world takes yoga and craft classes; I went to a session to teach me how to introduce solid foods to my baby.

Fuck, he is growing up too fast.

Anyway. She was there, her twins the same age as Seb. It was awkward as she was so lovely, but also aware I suppose, that I had said, "Sure, let's meet up in say 2020 when I feel like spending time near twins again."
Her twins were gorgeous, and she looked like she was glowing and handling everything in her stride.
I am REALLY MISSING HAVING MY TWINS NOW.

There's a piece of me that also realises that everyone has forgotten Molly mostly, and that by now they think I should have moved on. I've been told this will happen, family members and even close friends will tell me to stop dwelling on it.

So I just feel a little alone. In my feelings and with whom I can express them.

Now that Sebastian is pretty much starting to sleep through the night (long may it last, God help me), that he is in a routine and that his little personality is starting to shine through - basically, now that I have a little more of a handle on being a parent, I think I could've coped with two now. At the same time. Easily.

Fuck.

Anyway, before I drag down everyone with me, I've seen that lots of people are doing this (frankly, a little twee) "Three positives in my status bar a day" thing.

So. I shall end this post, before the weekend with not 3, but 10! Yes 10! positives to compensate for the sadness I feel right now.

1) It's summer. The days are long and hot, I'm getting my basic quota of Vitamin D. And there's a storm on the way - hooray!


2) I'm getting out more now. But out out. Visiting parts of London I haven't been to since before I was pregnant with them. Like Kensington Palace and Hyde Park with a friend, and another cheeky visit to the baby spa so that Sebby could swim.

3) Sebby loves to swim so far. I was always scared of water as a child, so this has got to be a good thing.

4) Getting a pedicure with She Who Also Loves Tweed, tomorrow.

5) For having such a lovely network of friends and fellow mums around me

6) For my wonderfully supportive mother - even from afar. We Skype everyday

7) For not getting stretch marks on my tummy. I got everything else, but amazingly no stretch marks even though I was the size of a Volkswagen Sharan.

8) For losing 1 kilo. One little kilo. On WeightWatchers. Am back on a diet plan.
High protein, no carb. 

9) For coffee. My one cup a day is my new cigarette. It's my vice and it keeps me awake.

10) Last, never least: my beautiful son. Who is my everything. He is 4 months old today.

2 comments:

michelle mccrory said...

Peas dont ever feel that you cant express exactly how you feel to anyone - these are your feelings and dont worry about sounding harsh.People understand (well they should understand) and if they dont then they arent worth your time anyway - focus on the people who know you and understand how you are feelling and dont worry about the rest. Mx

MeeA said...

I don't know you, apart from what you've shared on your blog since before you moved to the UK... And even I still think of your Molly most days. There is never an "appropriate" time to stop grieving. And if you ever get to a point where it doesn't feel like having your innards plucked out every day, you are still allowed to remember and to feel your loss and to want to hold onto her.
xx