Tuesday, March 24, 2015

the first birthday



To think I was in full blown labour this time last year. Cheese and [egg fried] rice.

I was induced, and was told that labour might come on, oh, within a few hours, maybe it will maybe it won't, so just hang out on the beaching ball until I start to feel something.

I was terrified. Genuinely fucking terrified. I'm such a wuss when it comes to pain anyway, but now I was physically balking at the thought of contractions coming on, and having to literally squeeze out two babies.

I just kept thinking, "And once I've had my live baby, it isn't over. I have to do this all again. And for a baby that's not even living."

I went into labour almost immediately after being induced, (surprise! No time to even have a soothing bath and just let nature take it's course,  hell no) so while the Brit went home to grab a coffee and have a shower, I was suddenly having a contraction every minute, and lemmetellyou: period pains had nothing on this. By the time he returned, I was being propped up on the side of my bed by 10 people and having the epidural I was begging to be administered, and the last thing I recall is him opening the door to my room and almost dropping his coffee.

"Yeah. Things are going a bit fast around here. We have to slow the contractions down, so we are going to thrust this injection into you quicksticks."

And then I lay on my back in labour for another 17 hours until they were born [via emergency c section because Sebastian's palms were covering his face and blocking the exit door.]

His cries were immediate; there was a silence the three minutes she followed. With a shock of black hair, strong lungs and the sweetest face. We couldn't believe he was ours.

We got to hold Molly and Sebastian together, as was intended. I was catatonic, but I remember this like crystal.

So here we are, the arrival of my babies' birthday. My little Sebastian is a year old today, it's insane.

The Brit and I and Sebastian have survived a year with each other. We've survived the pooh, the vomit, the colic, the crawling, the new teeth, the hundreds of hours of sleep deprivation, the sadness and the joy, the breastfeeding, the weaning, the separation anxiety, the intense cuteness only a baby could be. And I couldn't imagine it any other way.

Happy birthday my most precious, darling child. And happy birthday twins of mine, one on Earth and one divine.

The love I have for this little boy is indescribable - he is my light, my joy, and pretty much the reason I do anything these days. Anything I do, indirectly relates back to him, even to my looking after my health better for the longterm - also I am paranoid that I am going to die of cancer one day - but I want to be the healthiest I am simply so that I can be with him in this life as long as I can.

Being pregnant and a mother to my children has given me some new perspectives I never thought I'd have or care about. Just being pregnant with Molly and Sebastian and having them kick me, grow inside me and seek comfort in my womb made me fall in love with them both the moment I knew they even existed. There is no doubt about it - the maternal 'thing' kicked in for me pretty much straightaway. The thought of being apart from them, someone hurting them, or getting anything but my love, even before they were born, was inconceivable to me. And yet I also realise there are mums out there that do the unthinkable, and I just can't comprehend it.
My children, dead or alive, have enriched me so much.  I've learnt new things about life and people, picked up new skills, and an appreciation for living every day, and my little family.

I get excited when I think of the things to come - walking soon, talking and seeing him everyday as I rush home from work.

He is such a happy little boy. Now finally settled - almost 3 months later - in nursery, to the point where he waves me goodbye with a giant smile and goes in for a hug with his key worker.

His teeth have finally surfaced, and all at once, so party party party. Over the course of ten days he has four teeth pushing through - and the nights are sleepless once again. They're like little razorblades, and more than ever he comes in for cuddles and hugs.

We are so proud of this little chap, who is such an affectionate soul. He has always loved to be close to us than not, from the day he was born. He holds his hands out for hugs now, and he buries his head in my shoulder. It's absolute heaven.

He is also such a smiley baby. He just beams and giggles at me and at anyone. He is not discerning in the slightest, he is a social butterfly, and just loves to smile.
My heart explodes when I hear his laugh and he looks up at me to check I'm watching him when he plays with his toys. When he scootches around on his bottom - he's a bum shuffler - or when he gets excited and pounces on the floor and commando crawls everywhere.

He is such a character. So funny sometimes, he makes us cry with laughter. 

Then there's the moment I walked into the sitting room and found him standing next to the coffee table, swinging his baby monitor around by the aerial. His first haircut the other day that's made him suddenly look a lot older than he is.

He is also getting naughty. I think we are going to have a spirited naughty little bugger on our hands. He now gets this look when he doesn't like something, and he has started to very gallantly throw his food off his plate while looking at me as he does it. He gets this infuriatingly cute but cross expression on his face, and then will throw his book to the side if I plonk him down somewhere he doesn't want to sit. he throws things to the side he doesn't like, and he is going to have to start learning how to deal with not getting his own way soon. It's the gateway to his tantrum years, I can see it. And while I say 'No' a lot, it's difficult to know how much he understands still.

He is my joy and while he looks like Daddy (mostly), everyone knows he has my eyes. Big, brown eyes - which mirror mine exactly.

He is my little survivor. He could've died, just like his twin. He could've suffered a similar fate, but he survived. He was always the stronger, bigger one, and so to me he is my ultimate little fighter.

I am so lucky to have him. I love you with all my heart my Sebastian George. I cannot believe you are 1 today. I love you with every cell that I am made of.


6 comments:

Cassey Toi said...

Happy Sebastian and Molly day.

My little guy also does the doing something he knows he shouldn't thing. He not only makes sure I'm watching, but also smiles while doing it, and sometimes he claps *sigh*

Val said...

Happy Birthday Sebastian!! Such a lovely boy. ♥

debbie thackeray said...

Congratulations Mom and Dad....1 whole year! Happy Birthday to Seb - may your day be filled with cake and giggles!! My heart is sore for you Peas, but I have no doubt Molly is always beside you...Happy Birthday little angel. x

Beansy said...

Happy birthday Seb and Molly!

Coffee and Books Cape Town said...

Happy birthday precious joyful little Grandson! Xx

po said...

You make BEAUTIFUL babies, Peas, your children are just beautiful. xxx Now that I am trucking along at 13 weeks I wish I had some kind of reference to your earlier posts on how the heck to do pretty much everything.