Monday, June 22, 2015

the four pillars of american shopping

So, shopping in America is a special kind of purgatory reserved for those who love being harassed and who also like stuff for, practically, free.

It's no secret that when people from the UK (I got my greenbacks; I got my benjamins), shop like they've been stuck behind the Iron Curtain for thirty years.

But it's not like shopping in Thailand or Dubai or other shopping meccas across the globe blessed with diminishing exchange rates.

America: it's landscape, people, entire value system, is based around how people consume stuff. Love it or hate it, it's there. And if you've got some pounds to spend [realised that you don't, in fact, have "disposable income" to spend anymore but go right ahead and do it anyway], you can come away with a builder's van full of stuff if you're not careful.

Why? Because there is a sale going on at any one time, at any store, on any day, always.

Americans know how to do sales. Actual sales. Not this whole "End of summer sale!!" Bullshit. "Come in and get 3% off on selected items!! Between the hours of 8-10am!! First come, first served!!"
This is why fights break out in these kinds of places, with women completely losing their shit, as they play tug 'o war with a [pretty average] pair of trousers, for example. Hair-pulling, queue-jumping, sweary-talking; civilised department stores that end up looking like Primark with people throwing clothes around like how people throw powder around at a Holi Festival. Would I plan a day around going to a sale in a UK store? Would I fuck.

But America! Not only do they slash prices on multiple items, all the time, they slash a further off "just for being foreign."

This is a conversation I had in Banana Republic in San Francisco:

"Hello, it says here if I spend more than $100, I get $50 taken off?"

Shop assistant: WHY HELLO THERE, HOW ARE YOU, SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKING! SO, THAT IS CORRECT! AND BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO ITEMS, YOU GET THE THIRD ONE FREE TOO.

"Third one free, plus $50 off?"

"YES, OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOU FROM? AUSTRALIA? I LOVE AUSTRALIA! I'VE NEVER BIN, BUT I LOVE IT! BECAUSE YOU'RE FROM AUSTRALIA, WE GIVE YOU AN ADDITIONAL 10% FOR TAX."

"................[sorry eyes].... actually, I live in another country, not actual Australia, but it's practically the same thing, so do I still get my 10% tax off?"

"OH MY GOSH, I AM SO SORRY! OF COURSE YOU DO! WHERE IN AUSTRALIA ARE YOU FROM?"

"London."

"OH MY GOD, THAT'S MY FAVOURITE PART, I LOVE LONDON!"

[pause]

"OH AND HERE'S A COUPON. IN CASE YOU COME IN TOMORRAH. WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER SALE TOMORRAH; BUY ONE GET THREE FREE. GEDDIT? GET THREE FREE!"

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In America, they pay you to buy stuff basically.

It's fairly reasonable

Even if in the [highly unlikely] situation that a store isn't having a sale, [but I mean, this is so highly unlikely, it's not even a real possibility], you can buy quality stuff at low prices.
In some countries, clothing is dear in comparison to cost of living prices. South Africa is a good example of this; even as a sterling earner, I thought clothes there were really expensive.

In the UK, it really depends where and how you shop.

In America, they'll throw five [genuine] Hugo Boss polo shirts at you for a twenty each. Which is why the Brit now has a replenished polo shirt collection in his wardrobe right now.

When you enter a store muttering the words, "Shit. The. Bed. It's 70% off," realise that you are in a lot of trouble.

It's plentiful

America is built on strip malls, a grid network and wide super highways. There's a lot of free space. Everywhere you turn are shops, shops and more shops.

There is just not enough days, resilience, monetary endurance, foot massages and mental dexterity to really even scratch the surface of what is available to buy in the United States of Sales.

The shop assistants will assault you

We had a discussion amongst ourselves before leaving to go on this trip. On how to deal with shop assistants in America. Their persistence is nothing short of Olympiotic.

This is what will happen to you when you enter a store, even if you avoid eye contact and try to hide behind a rack, like I do, because generally I can't deal:

"HEY THERE! HOW ARE YOU HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY, SUPER, THANKS FOR ASKING!"

Hello! Just browsing thanks! [cue left, immediately perform illegal U-turn and head towards a rack of unassuming jumpers]

"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR?"

Nope, just browsing thanks!

"IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL, MY NAME IS CHERIE-JO, AND YOU CAN FIND ME RIGHT HERE. STANDING RIGHT OVER HERE IN CASE YOU MISS ME."

Thanks Cherie-Jo!

"WOW, THAT LOOKS AMAZING WITH YOUR SKIN TONE! THAT IS SOOO CUTE! ISN'T IT CUTE? I THINK IT'S SO CUTE. I EVEN HAVE ONE MYSELF. AND SO DOES MY SISTER. IT'S ALSO 50% OFF BECAUSE YOU'RE FROM AUSTRALIA."

50% you say?

"YEAH. LET ME TAKE THAT FOR YOU TO HANG IN THE CHANGING CUBICLE SO THAT YOU CAN TRY IT ON. AND YOUR OTHER STUFF. HERE, LET ME TAKE THAT FOR YOU."

But I want to hold onto my shirt, please. The one I'm wearing.

"OK, WELL YOU JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DONE BROWSING. YOU CAN FIND ME RIGHT HERE. STANDING RIGHT OVER HERE IN CASE YOU MISS ME."

[Once in the change room.]

[BANG BANG BANG BANG] HELLO, HOW IS IT GOING IN THERE? DOES IT FIT? CAN I COME IN? I BET IT LOOKS REAL CUTE!

It's great thanks, I'm just naked. So all good thanks!

"IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL, MY NAME IS CHERIE-JO, AND YOU CAN FIND ME RIGHT HERE. STANDING RIGHT OVER HERE IN CASE YOU MISS ME."

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God bless America.

2 comments:

Flarkit said...

Wahl thank yah for giving us an extra, FREE, copy, of this! Cos, y'know, Murica! Yeah!
;-D

It's a pleasure treasure said...

So true! Love it!!