Friday, July 29, 2016


The honeymoon period is well and truly over. This comes to you from deep in the trenches. It's brutal.

I am so sleep deprived, I tried to put on Florence's babygrow in the middle of a breastfeeding clinic yesterday, thinking it was my own shirt. It took a good 40 seconds to register that it wasn't mine.

She isn't latching on or feeding properly, and by first assessment, tells me she has Tongue Tie. In order to see how bad the Tongue Tie is, no teats allowed for a week and have given me these miniscule little tubes to feed her with.

I have to express every feed.
She hates my boobs.
She still isn't up to her birth weight.
Sebastian has also decided that while he lives his sister, he loathes us. And has become 'that' child - smacking us, throwing his milk all over the floor, tantrums, basically anything for attention, even if it is negative attention.

I have a cold.

I have the baby blues. I miss Clapham and a neighbourhood I know. When I do venture out, all I seem to see are weirdo's and chavs (have we made a massive massive mistake?)

I had an altercation with one at the local park a few days ago and never want to go back.

I want to pack it all in.

I have to decide whether Flo has a small op on her tongue, or just turn to bottle feeding and hope it outgrows itself.

While feverishly trying to read up on how to deal with my toddler who hates that he isn't the centre of our world anymore. I feel so hurt and sad for him, and am trying to give him undivided attention when I'm not feeding/changing a nappy/rocking to sleep.

Flo is luckily a lot more placid than Sebastian, and for now, doesn't mind being put down to sleep for a few hours. Please dear God may that not change.

Life with two children is HARD. Especially if things aren't going as planned.

Crikey. When does it start getting better again? Someone tell me things start to look up in a few weeks. Nevermind the three hourly feeds, but how will we do this on our own when my mum leaves?


polkadotcupcake said...

I saw your instagram on this this morning, and my heart goes out to you. My babe didn't want to breastfeed either, and I ended up formula/expressing for the better part of 4 months and it nearly killed me. Friends of mine have dealt with the tongue tie, and say that the small op is very easy to heal from and completely changes your life and makes feeding one trillion times easier. If she gets a bit of nipple aversion, try a silicone nipple guard for a while, until she's used to it. I hear they get over things quite quickly. If I were you, I'd do the op. Expressing while handling a newborn alone is a nightmare.
Re. Seb and the hating - it gets better. My friend had the same experience when bringing a newborn home, and they adjust. It's hard, so so so hard, but he will adjust and learn to deal with the new one and you. He's just finding it hard to express his feelings, and wants your attention no matter what it takes. If you can farm him out to friends with more time on their hands, who he likes, that will help you get some rest while he is catered for.
Good luck. YOU CAN DO THIS. It's fucking horrendous and brutal and killer while it lasts, but the newborn days end much quicker than you think.

Cassey said...

You got this. You can so do it. It will get easier. Go for the op, I've heard from folks that it makes things much easier.

Nicole B said...

Aw, I am so sorry you are having a hard time - these things just seem to be coming at you all the time. If it is not one thing, its another.
I have nothing helpful to say about the feeding situation as I dont have kids, but as for your house and new neighbourhood: you will get used to it, you just have to give it a bit of time. The timing surely is shitty because, with everything being so different and difficult, its natural to crave familiarity, but you love your new home and its fits your family, so thats the most important thing. The neighbourhood will grow on you, and you will find that not everyone is a chav or a weirdo. I found the same thing when we moved from Sevenoaks (which has lovely people who have manners and scrupals living in it) to Orpington (which also has lovely people, but also has many weirdos (I have seen two people en route to work who wear the same clothes every day...and I dont black slacks which look the same, I mean the SAME clothes) and chavs...particularly on my evening bus because the bus goes to St Mary Cray which is well dodge. But, we love our house and our garden :)

Good luck with Flo, I hope things get better quickly xx

Val said...

I'd never heard of this so had to look it up. Things were certainly different when I had kids. When babies couldn't/wouldn't breast feed, we simply went to bottle feed. Strange that she 'latched on'when she was born and now not getting enough. Sometimes I feel that, like most things in life these days, things are made more complicated?
Involve Seb in her upbringing. Let him put baby powder/salve after bathtime, bring you her nappy etc. Bring him into her life, make him feel important to you as a result and you will find such a difference.
Hang in there in any event. You can do it!

Anonymous said...

Good luck. It does get better. My youngest is now 2.5 months and the 2.5yo brother said "I love Iyla" this morning. Before that it was hatred and I stopped existing in his life. I involved him a lot with bath time and he liked that. Re the tongue tie: Depending on severity, my eldest had it (now 5.5) and with a medela silicone shield the feeding worked out, but it was hard work. And so messy, as half the milk leaks everywhere! He was born at 2.76 and for 3 months I hardly went anywhere and the b/feeding specialists hated me using the shield, but it worked. Best of luck!

Bridget McNulty said...

I heard that in the olden days (in SA) nurses would just grow their pinkie fingernails long and if a baby had tongue tie they'd cut it for them... Apparently the op is really simple and makes a huge difference. Haven't had to do it myself so can't say for sure... Good luck! This too will pass.

ktp said...

Oh hun, this is me in 7 months time eeeekkkk. Although I'm much relieved to hear your little girl is more placid, that's what I'm hoping for too. On the tongue tie: it's such a simple little procedure and will change your life. Seriously just go and have it done. Then you won't have the time consuming expressing to add to the mix. Well done for persevering and not going the formula route. When they so tiny, breastmilk is really really important. Hang in there!

Beth said...

its going to be a tough few months , but to see your lovely two children playing together in a year, it will be all worth it and these days will be a blur. good luck with the feeding situation, hoping it gets easier.

Anonymous said...

1) Yes to little tongue tie cut it doesnt hurt baby and makes a huge difference
2) try to find local baby centre for breast feeding support - the one i had in Devon was amazing and meant i got support for the first 2 months almost daily if i needed it and helped baby to latch on and milk supply to increase - keep expressing milk to maintain milk supply as well
3) local mothers groups also really important so you can meet people and not be isolated - we moved from our lovely Bath to Devon 5 days before our little boy was born so i knew nobody but found friends at nearby breastfeeding group
4) beckenham is a very desirable area and has some lovely places - my sister first lived there 20 yrs ago then moved to orpington and worked in bromley - i know how horrible it is to move to a completely new place but you are seriously not that far from everything in London!


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