My French friend - Mademoiselle - is in town again, God I love it when she's here.
Like last night. We drank a bolinger of Champagne and ate fois gras and Pro Vitas.
And then she spoke about her Fear. Mademoiselle says her one thing about getting into a relationship is the kind of chit chat longterm couples have with each other.
Not entirely true - she actually said: 'I am not going to ave ze argument wizz my partner in ze grocery store over which ozzer washing powder brand we should use. I ave seen it appen, mon dieu, just look at my parents.'
Woman: Ooh what izz zat noise?
Man: Ooh it must be four o' clock Susan, ze sprinklers come on at four o'clock.
Woman: No really? It's four o' clock already?
Man: [looks at his watch] Ah oui, it is four o'clock.
Woman: Time flies when we are aveeng fon.
Man: Are you going deaf Susan? Eet always comes on at four o'clock.
Woman: I'd better poot ze washing in ze machine.
'I'm telling you, zose are ze conversations I never wont!'
Come to think of it, all longterm couples - my parents, grandparents, even I - have been guilty of reaching into the deep trenches of domestic convo-speak.
My grandparents:
'Ah hasn't the pin-cushion protea grown so big?'
'Yes, we chatted about this yesterday.'
'Look at Mr Pickles next door, it must be the end of the month, he's taking the car out for a drive.'
Imagine when you're retired? What else do you talk about except those climatic parts of the day when it's time to turn the water feature on, or it's 5:00pm and he wants his gin and tonic, or you debate for hours on a Saturday afternoon whether it's four o'clock or four fifteen, or which cups should you use when friends come over?
What else can you do? You're retired, the kids have left home, you both don't have jobs, you spend every second of every day together, so gardening and kitchen appliances are the joy of your day?
God. I almost started sweating when writing the above, in a wild panic.
Even if bleach talk could be exciting after 8 cognacs together on the porch.
Maybe that's why old people play Bingo.
