I'm grappling with some stuff at the moment. It's all positive stuff, so 'grappling' might not be appropriate – it's more like: “I want to feel this much in control and good forever, and nothing will ever, ever fuck with that again.”Something has seriously changed within me in the last few months. I don't make decisions. I don't make calls. I am robotic. I do things my way. I don't agonise. (For long anyway), I do things that make me happy.
I have become some of my ex boyfriends.
This can't be good, but it actually fucking is.
I'm reversed. Who knew?
The thing that has changed most in me has 'shattered theories.' Or so one of my male friends said yesterday. I don't find men who are liars, are skirt chasers, have bad track records, or think that they're all that and a bag of chips, hot anymore. I find nice guys hot.
Yet, I don't know if I'm a nice girl myself anymore. I think I used to be. Now I am ruthless and don't really blink when it comes to being a dogmatic bitch. In fact I prefer being a
And yes, maybe it gives me control over my own stuff. But that's good, I don't care which way you look at it.
Something has to be fucking good for me, great for me, fit in with me, get me, otherwise I'm just not fucking interested.
Basically, I don't care about things, or take things so seriously anymore.
What the fuck is going on? Over the last 3 months, I have never felt so untouchable. How does this make sense?
Everything has reversed. I now like people with solid morals and values, but I don't know if I'm up for being dotingly good just yet either. Somehow, I should probably care about this. I should probably look deep inside myself and analyse all of this, but why? Why question it? It feels fucking superb.
Hell's tits, no. Taxing. Over that shit. Too time consuming.
Although that said, it doesn't mean I don't have a big heart. This has nothing to do with me not having a heart. It just has its limitations now. I just protect it, and it has this uncanny ability to know what's good for it now. About fucking time.
With all of this, comes a strange sort of bliss and being so comfortable in your own skin. I'm so unbelievably happy and feel so fully in control of everything around me.
Maybe it's because nothing in this life is resolute. Or infinite. Or conclusive. Or anything. It just is. Seldom anything is forever. And this isn't necessarily bad. Focusing on moments, one step at a time is healthy, frankly.
There's power in knowing and accepting that.
I am protecting myself. And one should always do that. Always.
But right now, I am seriously enjoying being in the moment, with lots of things in particular.
I am so happy.
