Tuesday, July 22, 2008

i even sound weird

I'm grappling with some stuff at the moment. It's all positive stuff, so 'grappling' might not be appropriate – it's more like: “I want to feel this much in control and good forever, and nothing will ever, ever fuck with that again.”

Something has seriously changed within me in the last few months. I don't make decisions. I don't make calls. I am robotic. I do things my way. I don't agonise. (For long anyway), I do things that make me happy.

I have become some of my ex boyfriends.

This can't be good, but it actually fucking is.
I'm reversed. Who knew?

The thing that has changed most in me has 'shattered theories.' Or so one of my male friends said yesterday. I don't find men who are liars, are skirt chasers, have bad track records, or think that they're all that and a bag of chips, hot anymore. I find nice guys hot.

Yet, I don't know if I'm a nice girl myself anymore. I think I used to be. Now I am ruthless and don't really blink when it comes to being a dogmatic bitch. In fact I prefer being a bitch someone who doesn't tolerate idiots. I enjoy being hard and I enjoy my secrets, and I enjoy knowing exactly who I am and not giving a fuck whether people dig that or not.

And yes, maybe it gives me control over my own stuff. But that's good, I don't care which way you look at it.

Something has to be fucking good for me, great for me, fit in with me, get me, otherwise I'm just not fucking interested.
Basically, I don't care about things, or take things so seriously anymore.

What the fuck is going on? Over the last 3 months, I have never felt so untouchable. How does this make sense?

Everything has reversed. I now like people with solid morals and values, but I don't know if I'm up for being dotingly good just yet either. Somehow, I should probably care about this. I should probably look deep inside myself and analyse all of this, but why? Why question it? It feels fucking superb.

Hell's tits, no. Taxing. Over that shit. Too time consuming.

Although that said, it doesn't mean I don't have a big heart. This has nothing to do with me not having a heart. It just has its limitations now. I just protect it, and it has this uncanny ability to know what's good for it now. About fucking time.

With all of this, comes a strange sort of bliss and being so comfortable in your own skin. I'm so unbelievably happy and feel so fully in control of everything around me.

Maybe it's because nothing in this life is resolute. Or infinite. Or conclusive. Or anything. It just is. Seldom anything is forever. And this isn't necessarily bad. Focusing on moments, one step at a time is healthy, frankly.

There's power in knowing and accepting that.

I am protecting myself. And one should always do that. Always.

But right now, I am seriously enjoying being in the moment, with lots of things in particular.

I am so happy.


kyknoord said...

Kevin, is that you?

Peas on Toast said...


Oh my aching vajayjay, Kyk that was fucking classic!

Just spewed coffee all over my keyboard.


Hayzoos Chrysler.

PS: Everyone wants to be Kevin.

Peas on Toast said...

I actually need to leave my work station to go and guffaw somewhere.

Ches said...

Good, good...Gee, I wish I could find my own pair of 'hells tits', they sound fantastic. :0

Nessers said...

I am with you on the turning into a "guy" thing. I find myself less interested in the stupid "details" (as my ex used to put it) of peoples lives. I always used to ask and listen to make them feel good (being the polite girl and I was interested) and now I am like "give me the short version". I too don't care about other peoples stuff unless it directly has an impact on me - think I am becoming harder and for now that is not a bad thing

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - they are.

Nessers - Yeah, don't you find that everyone's shit is the same? Especially in Joburg. Everyone's shit is the same, and it all seems to concurrently come down to the same people.

Boring. ;) We have other fish to fry, innit though!

Revolving Credit said...

Welcome to my world.
Do things cause you choose, not beacuse you have to.

On the subject of humouring fools,
if I wanted to be entertained by a fools, I'd go to the circus.

So unless they've got a red noses and really big shoes, I don't really give humour these fools gladly ( unless it suites me and I choose to).

Time is in short supply, so I don't have to waste it on oxygen thieves (unless you happen to be somehow related and you're at a family event...at which point strong drink becomes your best friend)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev: If I wanted to be entertained by fools, I'd go to the circus.

I love that - can I steal it as my new mantra?

Thanks for welcoming me into the world of Rev, Rev. I have a feeling I'm gonna LOVE it in here!

Anonymous said...

hells tits peas, this sounds a little like growing up...maybe?

Peas on Toast said...

Cheap Thrills - no ways China. I just STARTED living. :)

Wait until I gain momentum...;)

Charmskool said...

Hmmm are you getting wise? Self-knowledge and self-confidence are definitely something that a smart girl learns as she grows up - so I guess you are turning into one smart grownup!

Peas on Toast said...

Charmskool - ag bless, thanks :)

I don't know if it's about feeling grown up. Maybe I'm just going through a very self-indulgent obnoxious arrogant phase?

I just hope it lasts! :)

Lisa said...

amen babe!
thats the fricken spirit!
now gimme some of that! i need some too.

Peas on Toast said...

Lisa - it's easy. All you have to do is:
1) Fall in love with yourself
2) Feel the gradiose.

It helps if you discover one thing: Hair Maintenance.

Mini said...

You have blossomed into a better human being and your values have changed for the better.Good on you!

May your life be filled with peace tranquility and blessings.


Peas on Toast said...

Mini - AMEN! And thanks very much my dear :)