To: usher_raymond@live.co.ukFrom: peasontoast@gmail.com
Subject: Hello Usher
Yo.
Well whaddoyouknow. Look at that, I searched for 'usher's email address' on Google, and WikiAnswers supplied me, within two seconds, with your personal email details. S.c.o.r.e.
You do realise your email addy is just chillin' on the Net right?
Anyway, although I've been listening to your very haunting yet bashful Love In The Club hit track for over 6 months now, I decided to buy your entire album and not just illegally download it from the web. You're rich enough without me purchasing your album – but what I love about you besides the fact you're fucking beautiful, is that you just don't talk about your Ho's & Hummer's.
Like the other rap dudes. Nothing wrong, but I'm just saying.
So I have a few questions about your Here I Stand album - and jolly well done. It's a peach.
Tell me, did you compose your own lyrics? Because I have a few questions: You know the track 'His Mistakes?' You talk about how the other person's baggage is fucking up your relationship, because 'what does that have to do with me,' and 'just because he did that doesn't mean I will.'
Well said. It's about time someone wrote a song about this.
Also, are you married? You talk about a longterm bird/wife in 'Appetite',and how happy and satisfied you are, but how sometimes you just want to roam the streets and go mad. Commitment is a pain in the ishkleeim if you want to hump anything that moves.
Well I'm here.
Is your mum still your manager?
Oh and there's a dude who works in my building that looks exactly like you. He has the diamond earring and everything. Carbon copy. I said he could use our Xerox machine/shredder/scanner whenever he likes, but he already has his own shredder in his office, so I don't suppose he'll saunter in. I guess there's always the communal coffee machine.
You can write back if you like. Actually please write back. I'll send you a copy of my book if you want, you know, as a little 'how's-your-father'.
Yours in your ass is amazing,
Peas On Toast (Miss)
PS: You ask in Love In The Club what I'm sipping on right? ('Tell me what you're sipping on and I'll keep it coming all night long.') My poison is usually vodka, with a splash of orange.
PPS: Is your real name actually Raymond, or is that your surname?
PPPS: I'm not a kiddie-fiddling diabetic coked-up obese cock knocking bunion-owning 80-year old compulsive wanking jizzpot stalker. Promise.
I got a reply. Not even five minutes later. The excitement, the frenzy, the scramble, the tectonic loin movement.
To: peasontoast@gmail.com
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem
Re: Hello Usher
This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:
usher_raymond@live.co.uk
Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable (state 14).
What a fucking liberty.
Oh and: Ches, Dove and I have found a space to play our Would You Rather game.
