Thursday, November 13, 2008

i got a reply

To: usher_raymond@live.co.uk
From: peasontoast@gmail.com
Subject: Hello Usher

Yo.
Well whaddoyouknow. Look at that, I searched for 'usher's email address' on Google, and WikiAnswers supplied me, within two seconds, with your personal email details. S.c.o.r.e.
You
do realise your email addy is just chillin' on the Net right?

Anyway, although I've been listening to your very haunting yet bashful Love In The Club hit track for over 6 months now, I decided to buy your entire album and not just illegally download it from the web. You're rich enough without me purchasing your album – but what I love about you besides the fact you're fucking beautiful, is that you just don't talk about your Ho's & Hummer's.
Like the other rap dudes. Nothing wrong, but I'm just saying.

So I have a few questions about your
Here I Stand album - and jolly well done. It's a peach.

Tell me, did you compose your own lyrics? Because I have a few questions: You know the track 'His Mistakes?' You talk about how the other person's baggage is fucking up your relationship, because 'what does that have to do with me,' and 'just because he did that doesn't mean I will.'

Well said. It's about time someone wrote a song about this.

Also, are you married? You talk about a longterm bird/wife in 'Appetite',and how happy and satisfied you are, but how sometimes you just want to roam the streets and go mad. Commitment is a pain in the ishkleeim if you want to hump anything that moves.
Well I'm here.

Is your mum still your manager?

Oh and there's a dude who works in my building that looks exactly like you. He has the diamond earring and everything. Carbon copy. I said he could use our Xerox machine/shredder/scanner whenever he likes, but he already has his own shredder in his office, so I don't suppose he'll saunter in. I guess there's always the communal coffee machine.

You can write back if you like. Actually please write back. I'll send you a copy of my book if you want, you know, as a little 'how's-your-father'.

Yours in your ass is amazing,
Peas On Toast (Miss)

PS: You ask in
Love In The Club what I'm sipping on right? ('Tell me what you're sipping on and I'll keep it coming all night long.') My poison is usually vodka, with a splash of orange.

PPS: Is your real name actually Raymond, or is that your surname?

PPPS: I'm not a kiddie-fiddling diabetic coked-up obese cock knocking bunion-owning 80-year old compulsive wanking jizzpot stalker. Promise.


I got a reply. Not even five minutes later. The excitement, the frenzy, the scramble, the tectonic loin movement.

To: peasontoast@gmail.com
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem
Re: Hello Usher

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

usher_raymond@live.co.uk

Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable (state 14).


What a fucking liberty.

Oh and: Ches, Dove and I have found a space to play our Would You Rather game.

11 comments:

icepick said...

You are Un-Fucking-Believable...

:)

Peas on Toast said...

No levels of desperate depravity are too sordid icepick.

;)

Revolving Credit said...

You were hoping to live out your Xerox machine fantasy with the Usher clone, weren't you?

When you get it right, send us a photocopy of your llama.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - what I will do is send you a picture of Fusher (Fake Usher's) bratwurst, but photocopied 8000 times so its one of those flip-motion books.

Keen? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

A bit like shadow puppets??

Revolving Credit said...

Stop motion photography?
Like Wallace and Grommit??
Bend..snap..bend..snap..bend..snap..

Peas on Toast said...

...with a background accompaniment featuring the real Usher (Rusher) and me and Fusher performing plasticine-like movements on the Lexmark.

Aunty Helpful Dictator said...

I reckon that email was from Usher - disguised as a delivery notification failure. It's his secret way of telling you he loves you, but you have to crack the code to find the romantic location he wants to meet you at.

Isn't it obvious?

Peas on Toast said...

Aunty - You're a genius!

You must be right! I think the 'Google cannot deliver your email to this domain' actually secretly means, 'I want to take you over my Cadillac in the carpark of Taco Bell.'

Usher is a cryptic little devile isn't he - which makes our .....non-existenet liaison even better! xx

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Hi-fucking-larious!!!!

Funny that...I got the same damn response from Ms. Spears.
Those damn schlebs!!

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - did Britters give you bat too?

Jeez the least they could do is write something personal, like 'Fuck off, I'm in rehab,' rather than this automated shite.

Honestly.

:)