Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I'm clearly not worthy

Well, after my hoo-ha with Steve on Friday, it just got worse. We bit the bullet and went to dinner with friends in the evening. WE then drove to a nightclub afterwards, and I told him to please slow down because he was driving very fast around the corners. He yelled at me and told me to get out. I did. And walked, in the dark, 5 km to the nightclub - becuase that's where my mates were - to find him there drinking oh so happily with everyone. It's fine if I'm raped/mugged, etc etc.

So I was now PISSED OFF. The next day I consoled myself, whilst nursing a terrible hangover, by buying "He's Just Not That Into You." This might've been a mistake, because it turns out he's just not. We've been together for a looong time. And it seems as though, although we started out loving each other, we just don't anymore.
Apparently, according to Greg and Liz, this is my case:
1) He's just not that into me because he talks to me badly. Never compliments me. Yells at me alot.
2) He's just not that into me because we never go on dates anymore.
3) Not that I care, or want to at this point, but we not married yet. THis one I found ridiculous though.

So. Apparently I deserve love and respect. And I'm not getting it. I gave Steve plenty of chance to apologise for his idiotic behaviour this weekend, but somehow this is my fault.

I guess this means I'm a single woman again. I haven't been single in 5 1/2 years. This is seriously duanting, and I'm so scared of being alone. I'm not telling anyone until we have sorted out our living arrangements. And I don't feel like more drama of people knowing. I love his family and it's going to be hard. Is there any chance of him realising what he has lost? Maybe. I don't know. I get the feeling I'm easily replaceable.
Please don't pity me everyone, I can't stand that during a break up. In fact you needn't even comment. I'm feeling pretty darn low and hope that somehow this nightmare will end.


Stephanie said...

You are clearly worth more than that. I have no pity for you - you are a strong and intelligent woman who will sort herself out in no time. xx

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Stpeh. I have no idea where to start. I feel like I'm in some sort of purgatory or nightmare - this is going to be so hard.

Stephanie said...

All I can say is that from experience it does get better with time. In the meantime rely on your friends, cry, yell, punch pillows etc.. Do whatever it takes.

Being on your own is a far more enjoyable experience than being in an unhappy relationship with some twat who yells at you. From personal experience I can assure you of that. So don't be too scared.

If you ever want to get in touch, email me on stephanie_jm75 at yahoo.co.uk.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks so much Steph. We're meeting tonight to discuss logistics. I can't believe this is really happening. Will e-mail you the sordid story as soon as I know what's happening.

janie q said...

i think you're much better off being alone than being with someone who's "not into you". you need to feel confident about this, about yourself, enjoy who you are. with the beginning of a breakup it's time to look back and reflect, there's a good chance you've been unhappy with him longer than you realized. sometimes it's easier to put up with the little things someone does because it provides you with the comfort of having something familiar around, but that doesn't always mean it's the best thing for you. i think it's time to put yourself in the number one spot, you should be the most important thing, you need to be with someone who feels this way as well. five years is a long time to be with someone, you can't just walk away like nothing has happened, you are going to need time to get over this, hopefully with some sort of friendship with him still intact. you need to change your title too, because you're clearly not worthy of what you've written, remove that "not". hope you get through your day ok. hugs and kisses

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

oops, i used the wrong name, ahhhhhhh, at least you know who i am, so know who's not worthy?

Binsk said...

I read that book too Laurian.

If you aren't happy then you should find your happiness...I should also take my own advice ;)

Blog ho said...

he sounds kinda dickey. in no time you'll be glad to be rid of him.

Nettie said...

Oh sweetie, I am sorry. :(