Friday, July 08, 2005

you can never win

I am very irritated. When Steve and I fight, it's usually after he gets home from the pub. Like last night.

I came home from book club at a reasonable hour - 11:00pm. Steve said he'd be home at 11:30pm. He promised. Like always. A friend of ours from London is staying with us at the moment, so they went out. The big night of going out, however, was planned for tonight - Friday. Steve rolled in at midnight, but only got to bed at like 1:00am, because he carried on boozing at home. I was livid. When I say I'm going to be home at a certain time, I fucking well am! I don't want to feel like a fishwife waitign up for someone the whole time! Am I being unreasonable? Probably.

AS lovely as Steve is most of the time, I have realised why I crave my ex a lot. It finally dawned on me while we were hurling abuse at each other in the early hours of this morning:
I am invisible to Steve. It is as simple as that. I can't remember the last time he said I looked nice, or smiled at me from across a crowded room. When we are out, we might as well be strangers most of the time. Perhaps I'm needy and immature. Perhaps. But this doesn't solve the problem.

As fucked up as my ex is, he always used to tell me I looked nice, or look at me from across a room and wink, or check me out, etc etc.
And quite frankly, being a girl, one needs to hear these things from time to time.
But try telling Steve this: 'please compliment me once in a while.'
He'll bite my head off.



Better Safe Than Sorry said...

you've commented on so many things here and i'm on my way out the door, so i don't have the time to really say what i want, but this pretty much sums up guys as far as i'm concerned

women become lesbians because guys are assholes!!!!!!!!!

i adore my husband, i've been married 26 years, but you don't stay married happily that long without working at it. i will get back and leave you a comment later today (i'm sure you'll be eagerly awaiting it!) but you'll probably be out for the weekend or off to bed, but i will be dropping back in. have a great day and have a nice glass of wine at lunch.

Ed Abbey said...

Leave him. I would have done so a long time ago.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Janie. Yip, if I could turn lesbian it wouldn't be the worst thing.

Relationships are HARD work. Especially when it feels like you're the one putting in all the effort.

Peas on Toast said...

So its official then: my taste in men is horrific. I attract assholes.

Goddamit, this is too much. I really can't wait to pour my heart out to my new car.

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i wanted to leave a comment earlier, but i didn't want to be rushed. i have a 20 year old daughter and i've seen her struggle trying to figure out a relationship that involved two guys, she tried to juggle both of them at the same time and then tried to decide which one she really wanted to be with. one was a complete asshole and the other was a really nice guy. of course you know which one she really wanted to be with, but in the end, she did chose the nice guy, but it never did work out the way she wanted it to. as a mother, i did my best not to comment at all, i tried to let her figure out what to do, so i hope it's ok i make a few comments, based on what limited knowledge i have on what i've read about your ex and your current.

1. i don't think steve coming in late at 12 is too big of a deal, if the only time he comes in late is when you have a friend staying with you. same goes with him staying up until 1, unless their staying up drinking interfered with your nights sleep. however, if he constantly comes in late, doesn't phone to say he's late or running late, then yeah, that actually is a big deal, cuz it will just get worse, it's very inconsiderate to you.

2. i don't know if you are invisible to steve. you should ask him. he might feel so confident in your relationship that he doesn't think you need this extra attention. there is nothing wrong with wanting attention, my daughter craves it, the guys she dates have to be willing to give her the attention she needs, or it's not going to work out. if this is a problem, you have to let steve know, you can't change how you feel and what you need, but you can make him aware of this. if he can't do these little things for you, he needs to know it's going to be an issue for you. some guys are better at doing this kind of stuff on their own, but don't write someone off until you give them a chance.

3. same thing applies here as #2, make sure he knows you're serious about this, cuz if he's going to bite your head off over this, then maybe he's not for you. i don't know why your ex is now an ex, but from what i've read since i've been reading, he does seem to be an asshole. maybe you need to start over fresh with someone new, that's always a possibility.

4. this is something that i'm trying to instill into my kids, but i don't know if it will make any sense to you. you say as a girl you need to hear these compliments. to me it makes it sound like you lack confidence in yourself, you need others to remind you of how wonderful or beautiful you are. it shouldn't be like that. yes, compliments are great, but you should feel so good about yourself that you don't need a compliment, so that when you do receive one, it makes it even more special, because someone else noticed how amazing you are. i believe beauty does start from within, if you feel good about yourself and confident about who you are, you will glow from the outside, people will notice this about you. i think if you feel really good about yourself, a bf becomes an accessory in your life, something to compliment who you are, not something necessary to make you feel better about yourself.

anyway, that's it, i hope it's ok to make these comments, it's just an observation from what little i've read about you and your life so far. i do see similarities between you and my daughter, it's quite strange at times.

right now my daughter has me worried that i'll never have grandchildren, she's so over men too!

Binsk said...

Me too!!!!

Damn men and their damn irritatingness. :)

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

damn men, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Nettie said...

I have to say I agree with that last comment, Janie.

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Janie

Thanks so much for your honest input. I really appreciate it. I have read your comments and will blog a new entry today concerning my current state of affairs.